I've Moved!

My apologies ...

I didn't realize I hadn't stated I moved. :(

The blog is "evolving" and so I decided to move it.  I've transferred all the previous blogs from "Beyond the Veil" to its new location "FURTHER Beyond the Veil."  I do hope you'll all join me there.

**besos**
VWayne

All Roads Lead Back To You

My love ... there's only you in my life
The only thing that's right
My first love ... you're every breath that I take
You're every step I make

Dear You ...

Heaven only knows the amount of emotional turmoil I have unleashed upon myself the last few days.  Among the positive of growth, life has placed me upon a tightrope - performing a balancing act of self reflection.  The revelations have not been completely easy to absorb and implement.  I have found myself quite enlightened on an array of personal topics while, in some cases, even less is known of myself.  But this is still good.  I am aware.  I prayed for a greater level of discernment between what I know and do not.  This new acumen has yielded greater awareness and therefore even further opportunity to ensure I'm on the correct path.

One major epiphany within the last couple days has been regarding matters of the heart.  Amidst all the pain and confusion unleashed for positive forward momentum, I've found that my heart continues to return itself to You.  Despite all the lamentation for things I had to give up, I find that my heart continues a certain level of consistency in that I can always revert to You.  You've been a constant lighthouse in every storm as I have worked toward finding my way.  I'm not always certain WHY You still allow me to come back but I'm grateful.

You've held me closer with each new complication.  With every loss and every gain; for every blessing and every curse; with every pain or every sense of accomplishment, You create a desire for me to use it as a fuel for personal betterment.  You are my perpetual motivation cheerleader and also my teddy bear when I'm feeling less than self.  You're filled with God's love and, for that, I am always in love with You. I find it interesting, I didn't always realize your love was there, nor did I realize how much I loved You.  Your steadfast backing of whatever happens to me does not go without notice.  I'm not so naive as to think there are others who would do what You do without condescension or judgment.  I often feel as though I'm using you since You've become my "go-to" whenever I need you.

I do realize though, if there was no You, there would clearly be no me as a result.  You are the ever present blessing to my life and I'm glad that I can always count on You and your presence whenever - if ever - there is something going on in my life.  You are thee love of my life and I'm glad You've never decided to leave me hanging.  I do hope the one I am to spend my life with understands you are a staple and I will always choose You if ever it comes down to a choice.  My awareness helps me to realize that I am able to move on with another yet still keep You close by as well.  I need to learn to live with the fact that I can't live without you and to build up my necessary affinity toward polyamory.  I'm unable to live without You, so he - whomever he may be - will need to be willing to share me with You.

I quite obviously cannot get enough of You!

I love you forever and ever, You!

I will see You soon,
~You

Blessed Despite the Circumstances!

You may or may not have seen this before.  There are always inspirational videos from America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent, but you never hear about the stories along the periphery in other countries.  I never knew there even WAS a Korea's Got Talent.  Aside from this young man's amazing talent, his story touched my heart in ways that only God can explain.  There are such tragedies that happen in our world on a daily basis and some people live with and must ENDURE those tragedies on a daily basis.  I am truly amazed by the blessing God has bestowed upon the human being - what we can endure physically and/or emotionally just based upon sheer will is literally a phenomenal gift squandered by most.  We have grown so accustomed to a life of privilege and circumstance that, when something goes wrong, we would rather complain about the setback instead of doing what is necessary to get ourselves out of the predicament.

I've said all that to say, My God is AMAZING!  I REFUSE to allow the "negative" issues within my life to deter me from seeking out my destiny!  I shall not be moved from the path.  Thank you God for bestowing upon me these gifts ... I shall not stop until their purpose has been fulfilled in your eyes.

Bag Lady *OR* It's Our Anniversary *OR* In Time

Bag lady

You gone hurt your back

Dragging all them bags like that

I guess nobody ever told you

All you must hold on to

Is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way…

~ “Bag Lady”, Erykah Badu, Mamas Gun, © 2000 Motown

Today is an interesting day …

**sigh**

While I've known for some time that today was coming, I have not really been certain how I wanted to approach it.  A few days ago, after a conversation, I thought it would be easier to just begin writing about my feelings on this day.  Last night, however, I listened to the above song and the ground fell out from under me.  Allow me to clarify in that it wasn't a bad thing.  I've just been presented with an opportunity to look at things from multiple angles.  This day COULD be hard.  It could be easy.  It could be a mixture of fantastic and terrible, nostalgia and/or heartbreak.  As thoughts begin to flow through my fingers and I read them for the first time as they appear before me on the megapixels of the LCD before me, I realize it is a mixture of everything previously stated … and then some.

Today, you see, is my anniversary.  Well … kind of.  Last year, on this day, I was to stand before God and my family (blended as it was to become), and declare publicly that I would spend the rest of my days with him – my love, my heart, my breath, my soul, the ‘Moon of My Life.’  Unfortunately, my anniversary has been replaced.  In its stead, this date currently holds the reminder of what should have been or what was to be.

It’s funny what symbolism a song can conjure up within the mind.  I realized last night that, until I heard this song, I had been living a lie of sorts.  I had grown accustomed to a certain level of weight being added to my person.  I was content with allowing it to be my new norm without even considering its source.  I walked around touting this persona of forward movement and clear-minded, daily, new beginnings.  All the while, I was completely oblivious to the fact that I had a tremendous amount of invisible (at least to me) baggage that had been holding me back in a number of ways.  Despite all the forward momentum and progress being made in other efforts, I was still tethered to an invisible source within my past.  This song shed light on so much.

Honestly, how could I not want to hold on to it?  It was, and still is, on top of the list of “Greatest Things I've Experienced Within My Few Days Upon This Rock” and therefore requires a certain level of respect.  I was in love.  Truly.  Madly.  Deeply.  Completely.  Irrevocably (?).  On May 5 of last year, I wrote a post entitled “Orange Moon” (click and opens in another window) to give a glimpse into a love that had enveloped me and every fiber of my mind, body and soul.  I was so happy and so excited to be in love with him that I needed to share with the world just why it was that I was to marry him.  In truth, I wanted everyone to fall in love with him just a modicum of how much I had already fallen for him – to show off the blessing I was so grateful and humbled to have received.  I couldn't wait to walk down the aisle to/with/for him.

Anyone who might have attempted to tell me that day was not actually destined would have been a liar.  Unfortunately, 2 short months later, our love would fizzle from what was then its physical manifestation.  Our dynamic as ‘one’ had transformed us into more of a ‘duo’ working together to bring about something – I could no longer tell what.  We had become two individuals on the precipice of doom.  We were building a ticking time bomb.  We fought against ourselves in that we were continuing to build it while also attempting to dismantle it – any stray movements sending us into a catastrophic blast of destruction and chaos, hearts flailing about amongst the debris and rubble.  There would be no return from either of these scenarios.  Two months, a moment that doesn't even seem significant enough to be a quantifiable measure of time.  The rapid deterioration depleted blood from the heart, the mind and the body, leaving in its wake, an emaciated shell that once was a house of love.  Now there were only 2 choices: continue to build the bomb and await the blast, or work to disassemble it – touching so many wires that the detonation was more than an inevitability, it was an absolute certainty.  The gravity of such a decision could suck the body of an elephant through a drinking straw.

Eyes wide open, I still saw nothing but total and complete darkness around me.  The void of light, this black hole that was my heart, consumed me more and more until I became one with and within it.  Differentiating yourself from a pain so black that no sound or light would dare come close is a task no one should have to endure.  The brain begins to play tricks on you and mirages form within your mind.  Because you have nothing but your mind, the mental representations seem to form themselves before your eyes.

A white speck seemed to form before my eyes and I figured I was creating another delusion.  It got closer and closer until it became a blinding light.  It was love – more specifically the love we once had.  Having become one with the blackness, it hurt to look at this love.  It hurt to feel this love upon my flesh.  It felt as if I was sitting upon the sun and slowly melting.  In the slowest of slow motion, I felt every layer of my skin bubble and incinerate – each piece only finishing its pain long enough for the next portion to begin its slow and painful deterioration.  Relief came only upon the realization of a third option: we would only be spared the fate of tragic destruction and complete obliteration if we left things as they were - separate ourselves from a love so pure and so amazing but also from a tragic fate that would consume us until we became one with it and lost ourselves (and each other) completely.

**side note: the New York sky just opened up and began to weep for our lost love**

On this day, one year from the day I was to fuse my spirit with his, I allow my limbic system to push forth a single secretion beyond my lashes and down to my chin, depositing itself along the surface of my shirt.  It sits there for a moment until the fibers give way to allow for its absorption – only just in time for the for a few hundred of its friends to join in the now mushy graveyard along my chest.  It doesn't take long for me to realize these aren't caused by pain.  That it’s taken me this long to come to the realization that I must put down this large receptacle and leave it there is one thing.  The realization itself is the focus, however.  Awareness that there is actually a bag to put down – that I’d never let go – now means that I can do what’s necessary to truly move forward.  I am finally, some fourteen months after our relationship’s dissolution, able to completely let go.

The initial reaction is pain - tumultuous and immediate - not unlike ripping a band-aid made of duct tape from the chest of a man covered in coarse hair like that of Steve Carell in “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.”  Just as it’s pulled off though, there is an immediate subsiding and the body does what it needs in order to repair the lost skin cells, replenishing what was removed from the heart.  The heart begins to replenish the mind.  The mind rejuvenates the spirit.

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Since there’s no more you or me

It’s time I let you go

So I can be free

And live my life how it should be

No matter how hard it is, I’ll be fine without you

Yes, I will

Thought I couldn't live without you

It’s gonna hurt when it heals, too

It’ll all get better in time

Even though I really love you

I’m gonna smile cause I deserve to

It’ll all get better in time …

~ “Better In Time”, Leona Lewis, Spirit, © 2008 J Records

I miss you.

My First Time

It had been raining for, pretty much, the whole day.  Interestingly though, it didn't seem to be gloomy and depressing but more like those little drops of liquid sunshine we'd been told so much about as children.  It seemed to truly be about renewal and re-purposed use of the space.  Why think negatively about it, right?

Truth be told, it was the start of a new experience for me. I was embarking on new experiences - as I have been on a daily here in New York.  The rain merely mirrored my thoughts on the day and all the happenings within my life since my arrival here - it had been a continuous refreshing of my mind and spirit so that I could be better prepared to live in each moment.

As I left the restaurant, the rain had not subsided.  As I strolled down the Brooklyn streets, I found myself singing in the rain (in my mind, that is).  I called my parents to tell them of my day.  I was sure I'd be on the phone with my mom for a little while, so I stopped in the doorway of a closed store to shield myself from the rain.  I was dressed rather business casual (but with VWayne appeal) but nothing too flashy.  I was knee-deep in a discussion on the virtues of maintaining a positive attitude in life when he approached me.

He was an attractive older Caucasian (is that a PC term anymore?) gentlemen - perhaps late 30s to mid 40s.  He wore khaki slacks, the long sleeves of his plaid shirt were rolled up, a gray sweater tied around his waist, dark brown shoes, and a seemingly matching dark brown messenger bag across his chest.

He seemed to walk toward me as if he knew me - quickly down the street, then slowing when he was about 5 feet or so away.  I wasn't standing very far from the subway, so I assumed he was making his way into the station.  I didn't pay much attention but still noticed his movements - being cognizant of my surroundings is, after all, my favorite pastime.

He made eye contact and smiled.  Of course, I've been taught to be cordial so I flashed him a polite smile and continued my conversation. (these pleasantries may stop going forward)  A couple moments passed and I realized he was still hovering within that same 3-5 foot radius around the door I was in. He smiled again.  A curious smile appeared on my face.

What he did next freaked me out a bit and opened my eyes to a phenomenon women talk about all the time.  On his 3rd or 4th trip past me, I watched him remove a gold band from his fourth finger, left hand before placing it into his brown messenger bag.  I did my best to disguise my disgust - both on my face and in my voice while I was speaking with my mother.  The sheer fact that he continued to slowly circle me as if I were chum in the sea and he was some sort of great white shark bothered me already.  Add to this that he basically tied a bib around his neck before going in for his meal, well ... yea.

I ended the conversation with my mother "good night, I love you.  Kiss my dad."  I could tell he assuredly saw this as his opportunity.  He turned toward me with a smile (significantly wider than those prior) and raised eyebrows.  I figured the thoughts in his mind had something to do with the bulge he then sported within his khakis and how he might use me to assist him with this.  I can't imagine the level of disappointment he must have felt as I walked right past him without acknowledgment.  As I descended into the subway, I assume there was a great deal of deflation in his ego, not to mention his pants. Sucks to be him.

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I survived my first cruising experience in New York.  While it may not have had the happy ending most might expect from such an encounter, it was still worth going through at all.

Friends ... (How Many Of Us Have Them?)

A man's life story could be told in the company he keeps.  To review a timeline of the friends in one's life could tell you much of what you need to know of an individual. Those who remained, those who went, shows growth (or stagnation, in some cases). It isn't the NUMBER of friends one has, but the quality of those friendships along with each person's individual qualities.  As I look at my current friends, I am reminded of many memories and I can see some glimpses into the memories yet to be made. I'm blessed in many ways. Despite the fact that I clearly see the deterioration of some friendships, I know it's for the best.  But right at that same time, I can see those who are hear to stay. I love my life and I love my friends - past, present and future. <3 <3

What A Trip

Based on actual events ...

Headed into the city to spend some farewell time with my old coworkers before I leave for New York, I see him. He isn't unattractive, per se, but I immediately know he isn't my "type." He's the kind of gay that isn't afraid of speaking up or out. This isn't a bad characteristic but he is assuredly "catty" or "messy" in his overall, fairly loud, demeanor. He's wearing what looks like (from what I can see through my dark shades) a dirty pea green t-shirt, some torn shorts - the kind with tattered edges at the bottom, and some dusty brown flip flops.  It kind of looks like he might have had to walk a bit before he got to the train station because his feet seem to have a layer of black dust on them.  He could use a haircut, at least a brush, and he wouldn't look terrible - he'd be at least somewhat presentable ...again, I said he isn't ugly.

He hasn't seen me yet - at least I don't think - but I know once he does, he will speak and try to spark a conversation.

Sure enough, when he comes up the stairs - I'm sitting right at the top of the stairs in the single seats against the left window - he stops, kinda taken aback (his reaction is so extra!). I'm doing my best to not look his way, but I notice this along the periphery. Once he regains his composure - after maybe 3 seconds - he continues up the stairs. Just when I think he will bypass me and I can relax, he speaks.

"How you doin'," he says in one of those whispers as if he doesn't want to draw attention to himself and, more importantly, me - just in case I'm not his type of guy (gay).  He does this as if he cares what others might say. I can immediately tell he has a louder voice, oozing femininity. Now, this isn't a terrible thing when kept within a certain level, however I don't think this is the kind of guy he is.  I am somewhat dreading where this might go.

My mother didn't raise me to be rude so I respond - after I realize he actually did speak - with a short, "Fine, thanks. You?"  I'm hoping he will understand it isn't an invitation to converse but merely an exchange of pleasantries.

"Oh, I'm good, sweetheart."

Oh, dear God.

He continues past me but decides against the empty seats further back, choosing the seat directly behind me instead.  This should be interesting.

I immediately begin looking for my ear buds to blast Aniba Hotep and the Sol Collective, but don't retrieve the, before he begins speaking short, random thoughts aloud - to no one in particular, of course.

"Sexy, sexy, sexy ... Just my type ... Ooo wee."

He's beginning to get louder - he can't help it, nor does he care.

I'm still scrambling to get my buds into my ears.

Just when I begin hearing Aniba's smooth, sexy, sultry swoons, I hear one last piece.

"Damn! Mm-mm-MM." I can hear, in my mind, him licking his lips.  Ick!

I am hoping he will get the picture but I fear I'm trying to alter reality with my mind somehow.  I think to myself, "If he taps me, I'm just going to die!"

Moments later, the guitar riff has taken me to another place and I'm jamming with the band, 

          He say he needed me

          He say he want it baby.

          He say I'm such a freak

          That he could almost taste it.

          I try to play it cool

          But I can't hardly ta--

He taps me.  I try to ignore it.  He does it AGAIN, of course.

I can't decide if I'm pissed or just annoyed. He doesn't tap me on the shoulder, like a normal person would, but on the side of my ribcage just under my arm.  He is really testing me now.  Without turning around, I pull my right bud out and lean toward as to say, "yes?"

"Do you have a pen?" Back to the whispering I guess.

"Huh?"

"An ink pen, do you have one?"

"Sure," I say. I look for something I don't care to receive back.

I know I might be sounding a bit "judgmental," perhaps "snobbish" or "uppity," in the words of many men who have been spurned by someone who had previously caught their eye before.  I just am over this whole exchange.

Between songs, I hear him on his cell phone, LOUD, of course, chatting it up with whomever.  OK, perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, but it feels like he is overpowering Aniba's powerful vocals.

          I'm so into-

          I'm so into-

          I'm so into-

          I'm so into-

          I-I-I'm so into into youuuuuuuuu

He taps me again.  This time it is more of a rubbing on my ribcage. I can't tell if its the pen or his finger but I've just about had it.

I turn my head slightly to the right, see the pen between his dirty fingernails (long, unkept coke nails that they are), grab it, place it back into my bag and try to get back into the web Aniba's spinning around me.

Deep breath.  Exhale slowly.

"Is it my stop yet?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Music lyric credit: "Don't Stop The Feeling" & "I'm So Into You" 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

What I look like today:

Have you ever wanted (SO BADLY) to just HATE someone - someone who didn't even do anything directly to you?  Have you ever wanted to just HATE someone who hurt one of your loved ones (friend, sister, brother, mother, etc?) just so your loved one wouldn't have to?  Your loved one has such a huge bleeding heart that they continue to try and see the potential good within this person regardless of the NUMEROUS times his/her own sacrifice made him/her vulnerable or susceptible to further peril?  This person just continues to hurt and harm your loved one over and over again - each time increasing the severity of the pain?  This goes on until the ULTIMATE pain ensues and your loved one is left with less than a mere PORTION of their former selves to help cope with the pain.  Have you ever wanted to hate a person because you feel like their blatant disregard for someone - especially someone who CONTINUALLY gives to them in one way or another - has put them in a position where they "DESERVE" to be hated?  You don't want it to be your loved one because you don't want this sort of karma on them - they don't need that extra burden ... nothing more.  SOMEONE has to do it, right?  Perhaps you should just go ahead and lay on that sword to absorb the extra pain your loved one should NOT have to endure.  You should just eat that for them.

Have you ever wanted to just HATE someone who didn't do anything directly to you?

'Notting Hill' or 'Love Found In The Movies'

There's something about Julia.  Hugh is beautifully dynamic.

Maybe it's the rain but, I'm quite introspective today.  Before posting any of my blogs, I tend to re-read them to try and ensure my initial point comes through.  While I read this, I realized my point came across, but it isn't what was originally intended.  Either way ...

I must admit, when I first saw the movie "Notting Hill," shortly after it came out in 1999, I thought it quite boring.  I think I might have even fallen asleep.  I'm not sure what it was - the dialogue, the acting, the fact that it seemed to be about absolutely NOTHING at all - I just couldn't grasp the concept.  I think it's because I had never been in love.

I watch it now (I'm currently watching it on the USA Network) and I fall in love with both Julia and Hugh and their relationship as a whole.  It's the quintessential love story.  Two people who were not "supposed" to be with each other, find themselves thrust into a gravitational pull neither one expected, nor could they explain.  It's just the way he looks at her - he immediately is enamored each and every time she comes into a room.

I have two favorite "moments" within the 124-minute film.  The first is their original moment of lovemaking (did I just use that word? SMH).  After many missed or botched opportunities and extenuating circumstances preventing them from any real possibility of physical intimacy, the time comes and you can just FEEL how much he desires her.  Even moreso, the screen literally seems to pour out every ounce of how much he is enamored with her.  The way he gently caresses and strokes her back appears to show a bit of worship for her skin.  He's already in love with her before he even has an opportunity to realize it.  He takes a pause and glances at her face in the dim light and says, simply, "Wow."  Her smile shows that she is taken aback but slightly uncomfortable because she CLEARLY realizes this is the first time anyone has actually seen her in this way - or even at all, for that matter.  She knows he's honest - he's genuinely seeing *her* for the woman she is, not the successful actress.  The next morning they have an exchange of words:

Anna Scott (Julia): Rita Hayworth used to say, 'They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me.'
William Thacker (Hugh): Who's Gilda?
Anna Scott: Her most famous part.  Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality.  Do you feel that way?
William Thacker: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

He isn't looking for any recognition ... just genuinely expressing his affections for her.  Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You can just about see the puddle she melts into.

My second favorite moment is toward the end of the movie.  After Anna realizes she has been exhibiting a great deal of childish antics - "having behaved so badly" - she apologizes, in her own way.  She brings him a gift from her apartment, an original painting by an artist he likes (she noticed a print of it in his "flat" earlier in the movie).  She's nearly shaking with nervousness and worry.  She doesn't know what he will say and she doesn't know if she's ruined every hope of being with the first person to see her for who she is.  She proceeds to ask him for reconciliation, dancing about the concept as best she can.  Ambivalence and vulnerability can be read all over her face.  Through nervous laughter and timid hand wringing, she opens herself up for every possibility of response.

He considers his options, matching her trepidation with his own fears of doing what's right for himself while attempting to spare her feelings at the same time.  He ultimately says, "I'm a fairly level-headed bloke - not often in and out of love.  But, uh ..." He pauses and states, simply, "Can I just say no to your kind request?" He doesn't want to cause either one any pain but feels compelled to explain, though he doesn't want to.  He touts their vast differences as rationale - he lives "in Notting Hill" and she "in Beverly Hills."  He says, "Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name."

In an attempt to explain that "the fame thing isn't really real," she says (arguably one of the most profound lines of any love story ever told), "I'm also just a girl ... standing in front of a boy ... asking him to love her."

How can you beat that?

It's a story of love in such a way that you feel they are doomed before they begin, yet they are still drawn to each other by that invisible gravitational pull.  There is a magnetism that causes them to continue returning to each other, though the odds are stacked against them.  It's a love we can't understand unless we've been with another in such a way to validate its very existence as even true at all.  It's a love that seems to transcend any and every trouble around you.  It's a love that lends itself to a certain comfort level whereas all your worries/woes/concerns seem to fade away whenever you're near this person.  It's a love where you think about the person all the time - even when they are right there next to you.  It is a love that is, in a word ... true.

So yea ... I used to feel like Notting Hill was boring.  It was a movie that induced eye burning for lack of allowing them to just close.  I don't think I actually saw the whole thing from start to finish for a really long while.  I just felt as if it was not worth watching.  That is, until I found love.  I now find that I must watch it whenever/if ever it should come on.  I'm compelled to watch it.  I fall in love with it each time and realize something new about love every minute.  It doesn't help that it is one of his favorite movies.  I think I just realized the first time I saw the complete movie in one sitting was with him.  **sigh**  Him.

**sigh**

I. Miss. Him.

Undetectable: The New Condom(?)

I do hope that everyone understands I don't currently have an agenda to become an HIV advocate.  I just want it to be known that my reasons for "coming out" with my positive status last month had nothing to do with any sort of political platform or trying to build a career in advocacy. I merely needed to do it for myself and I am now absorbing the things that have come across my oath since divulging that information.  With that being said, today I posted in a forum on a popular gay social networking site.  Let's just say certain chats with guys on sites such as this one lead to my venting and questioning.  As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment below.

FYI - Undetectable, as defined by Dr Frascino via thebody.com is "the HIV plasma viral load is below the lower limit of detection for the particular test assay that is being used. Early viral load tests could only test down to 10,000 copies. Newer tests were able to test down to 500 copies of the virus per milliliter of plasma. The even newer ultrasensitive viral load assays can test all the way down to 25 or 50 copies/ml. We now have ultra-ultrasensitive assays available in some research laboratories that can test down to a single copy per ml! However, even in HIV-positive patients with HIV plasma viral loads below 1 copy/ml, this does not mean they have zero virus in their body. HIV still exists inside cells in the blood, lymph nodes and other body compartments."

I'm not certain how many of you have noticed this trend but I am curious the thoughts of others because I often feel like I'm on my own when it comes to this.  Have we evolved into the thought process that sexing someone who is HIV+ but "undetectable" provides us the same "risk-free" behavior as if we were with someone HIV-?

Let me start this by saying, after 5years of being "poz," I have learned to live with it and now allow myself the freedom of posting it freely on sites as if it were my eye color.  Let me also mention that I have divulged my status to my sexual partners before now but recently decided that I needn't be closeted about my status to anyone.  No, everyone doesn't need to know, but I have found that even using "everyone doesn't need to know my business" was as an excuse to be hidden about it.  The more I hid it, the more I seemed to feel there was something wrong with me and that just wasn't the case.

Sorry about that - it wasn't my intention to talk so much about myself, but I guess it was necessary.  Recently, when divulging my status to those who ask (or it seems like we might go further than idle online chit chat), I've found that the response is favorable (at first).  Guys say "thanks for being honest" or "I don't judge people based on their past" or something along those lines.  But then it changes.  The very next question tends to be "are you undetectable?"  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm aware that some guys are wanting to verify that you are taking care of yourself so as to ensure they aren't increasing their risk on multiple levels.  Te problem, however, is that I find many of these guys have a follow up question of "do you bareback?" 

**insert shocked face here**

Please don't get me wrong, it is not my intention to publicly condemn or judge.  I'm curious and I am concerned.  Have we gotten to the point of adaptation to the virus and are really thinking a cure is coming so soon that we have decided to disregard our only saving grace, save abstinence?  When did we (as a community) decide roulette was the game du jour?  Did I miss something?  For 4 of my 5 years, I had been in a committed relationship and so I don't know when this shift happened? 

I recall the evolutionary stage where it was decided (after all the information stating "it's no longer a death sentence"] that medication made it easier to live longer, healthier, happier lives.  But the community then adapted and said, "if I catch it, I can get on meds, so it isn't a big deal."  Now, obviously this wasn't the thought process of the community at large, but I'm sure we all know (of) someone who seemed to have blatant disregard because of this.

My only concern is that we have now evolved into even riskier behavior and I'm afraid of this current trajectory.  A couple of months ago, I posted on my blog that I fear a cure to the point of saying I hope we don't have one any time soon.  I feel like the more we get to a point of feeling any more as if we can live risk free, we will have disregard for our own health and the health of others.  One could pontificate on many reasons for this but it boils down to (de)evolution. Guys have gotten to a point of always looking for creative ways of doing what they want without regard for themselves or others.

Obviously I didn't really mean I don't want a cure.  Despite my new "out of the closet" mindset, I don't *WANT* HIV.  I would gladly give it up.  My fears are still the same, though - dudes have become ridiculously oblivious to the risks because they feel like there is still a remedy.  I'm a human (a human MALE) so clearly I can enjoy sex like all the rest.  I'm also aware of the "increased" physical pleasures of sex sans a condom.  I just feel there is a greater social responsibility being shirked.  It appears dudes have this feeling of invincibility or just merely a lack of real and tangible consequences to their actions, so why bother?  Isn't that what it is?  Am I the only one who is noticing this?  Am I the only one concerned? Hmmmm has being "undetectable" been translated to render condoms obsolete?

For many, you are getting a glance into a world you only partially understand.  In many cases, I do feel like the oblivious or naive attitude many heterosexuals have toward the inner workings within the gay community tend to feed into these behaviors.  This tends to stem from the healthcare policies created to quell the known aspects but not treating the causes.  As a society, the population at large speaks for all these minorities but there isn't enough representation to inform those who would choose to remain oblivious.  For this, both sides hold some blame.

As always, I would be remiss if I didn't state:

Make it common practice to get tested! There are better odds when you know than when you don't!

~VWayne

KiK: V.Wayne
Twitter: @VeeWayne
Instagram: @VeeWayne
Facebook: /ITS.THE.GEM.IN.I

Giving of oneself (?)

Life throws us many curve balls.

Today my best friend called me crying - I hope she doesn't mind that I'm posting this about her (she'll get over it).  She called me crying because things are not going her way.  She wants for things in her life to take a turn for the better and she feels that she's working hard for these changes, yet she continues to be slapped in the face with continuous let downs.  Let downs are caused by an expectation of others.

Truth is, we would like to be able to count on others, but this is an unrealistic expectation and will tend to cause undoubted turmoil for ourselves.  We will more than likely end up with a feeling of being let down - a feeling of being an ultimate victim.  Before you think I'm going down the road of cynicism, allow me to provide you with my stance on this situation.

I'm a FIRM believer that everything we attempt in life must first come from a wealth of love and affection we first give ourselves.  If you haven't given anything to self, you can't expect to be able to give anything to others.  I feel as though there is a bank within each of us from which we tend to give to others.  Unfortunately, we tend to focus so much on what we can do for others, that we often forget about refilling the bank.  This leaves us with nothing, since we've given it all to others.  Then, because we've given to others, we expect for them to do the same for us.  This is not fair to request of others, yet we still feel them selfish since they took from us but give nothing in return.

The REAL problem with this is that we have given nothing to and left nothing for ourselves.  When the other person gives nothing in return, we finally realize that we haven't a bit of reserve for ourselves and so the "selfishness" of the other person is felt even stronger.  How could they do this to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why doesn't he love me?  Doesn't he realize what I've done for him?  Truth of the matter is that we cannot expect for others to give to us what we should first have given to ourselves.

The moment we realize it is NOT "selfish" to give to self first, but a natural requirement, the better off we will be going forward.  Consider a bank.  Financial institutions are in the business of doling out money.  If the financial institution doesn't first build the reserve, there would be nothing for them to give others, right?  If they were to still give out a loan to whomever asked, the bank would be stretched thin and eventually file bankruptcy, correct?  If you continue to pay bills with money you don't have, you will not be able to take care of the other responsibilities you have, correct?  You will be left with a negative bank account and bigger questions about how you replenish said bank account in order to take care of the things you need (and WANT) to.

Why do we treat our happiness any differently?  We tend to focus a great deal on the things that are going on with others but neglect ourselves.  We work to improve the happiness of our friends, family members, and even some folks we've never even met, yet we forget the importance of our OWN happiness.  Most of us have heard that when you give to others, you get back a great deal.  We've interpreted this to mean that we have to think of others first and this is WRONG!  W-R-O-N-G!  WRONG!  (Before moving forward, I should say that this is IN MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION, of course.  I don't know all the answers)  The interpretation of this SHOULD BE that you give of yourself (WHEN YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO) because (AND ONLY IF) it's what you have within you to give.  People must focus on self FIRST so that there is something AVAILABLE others.

I believe if we treat ourselves as a bank, perhaps we will learn to give out only what we are able.  If you build up your happiness bank, there will be plenty to give.  No one should give their last happiness "dollar" because you, yourself, are then left with none.  I do believe, however, the DESIRE to give to others, even when you haven't a happiness dollar to give, is another way you replenish your own.  God sees this desire within your heart and immediately provides for you the excess you need.  He makes up for what you're lacking so that you may give to others yet STILL HAVE FOR YOURSELF!  However, if you neglect yourself, but still give to others, God needs to show you where it comes from.  This is why we find ourselves down in the dumps - crying and confused.  We've given our last bit of happiness to another and left our bank empty.  Then we continue to give without even considering the source of refilling.  How can we expect to give something to others if we haven't anything to give.  God needs us to know that this is not possible - and so he doesn't replenish it until we figure it out.

Often times, this process leaves us to feel as though everyone is "against" us.  They appear to have taken and taken and taken but given nothing in return and we feel as though they have attacked us personally.  Perhaps those people had something to give and didn't, but perhaps not.  It's possible that, in our own hour of need, the other person just didn't have anything left in their own bank and so we are left to suffer.  Yet we still hold them in contempt when they did not mean any personal affront to us.  We have to get out of our own way.

The moment we realize that we are in control of filling our happiness meter, we can give to self AND to others, THEN - and seemingly ONLY then - will God begin to bless us to the point that our happiness meter overflows.

Where my friend is concerned, I issued her a challenge and I will issue it to you as well.  Throughout the motivation I attempted to give her, I found myself repeating these words: "You are stronger than you think you are! You CAN do this!"  These words continued to fall out of my mouth before I even realized it.  I also realized that they were meant for me as well (how awesome is it to realize that your assistance to others can be used for self, as well).  That being said, I have ALSO accepted the challenge: I've set an HOURLY reminder in my phone.  This reminder repeats those words - "You are stronger than you think you are, VWayne! You CAN do this!"  The challenge is to say this aloud as an hourly affirmation.  The idea is to say it so much that you have no choice but to believe it.  You put it into the world so that God can build upon that seed within your life until it builds a great harvest within you.  We could all benefit from a harvest of abundant happiness.  Won't you join us in the challenge?

We're all enduring things within our lives.  We continue to question why they are happening to us and this is not necessarily a bad thing.  The bad thing happens when you don't allow yourself to be receptive to the answers (or the steps toward the enlightenment that is 'the answer').  When we find that our friends and family members have "let us down," we are actually realizing God's plan for us.  He is continuing to prune us.  We are His flowers and He tends to His garden with great diligence.  When rotten leaves spring about, He carefully removes them so that we are healthy and happy and blossom to our greatest potential.  Don't stunt your growth by focusing on those lost leaves.  They were already dead and could ultimately kill you, if left unattended.  Which is better: to focus on others and ensure they grow to their own predetermined height (blocking the light you need for your OWN growth), or to allow yourself to be pruned, so that you can blossom as much as you can and allow the natural pollination process to then assist in the growth of those others?  As for those tears - they are a good thing also ... every plant needs to be watered, right?

This is how you help yourself AND help others!

Faith & Success

I often wonder about people.

Many of you may (or may not) know that I count myself as an amateur psychologist. Clearly, I haven't any official training or certifications for such a profession. For that reason, I don't PRACTICE psychology. I do, however, still find myself making small (and large) psychological observations. I watch people in many ways - on the train, walking down the street, riding the bus, talking to their children, complaining about their lives, etc.

The positivity challenge my friend Kia issued to me recently will be a continuous challenge for me. I love what it did for me during that month. I believe, however, that the moment I knew the challenge had been completed, I allowed myself to backslide and I, once again and without trying, embraced the concept of negativity. I'm working on "pivoting my thoughts" so as to allow only positivity into my life. I challenge you to join me.

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So ... clearly I wonder about me, but I started this post by saying I wonder about people.

Now, I don't mean that I wonder about people in the sense that I worry about them so much.  I do worry, but that's not the focus of this post.  I often wonder about people and the things for which they ask.  Many people tend to discuss all the things they desire, yet the actions tend to be lacking in order to accomplish said desires.  Let's - for the sake of specificity - use the idea of financial hardship.

In the wake of our generation's biggest economic catastrophe, most all of us have felt the noose tighten around our necks (and wallets).  While we still have many things for which we can feel thankful, our lives, our very way of life revolves around money.  The basic (understood) necessities to sustain our human lives - food, drink, clothing, and shelter - all require some sort of financial sacrifice to provide.  This wouldn't be as bad of an issue if the cost to acquire these fundamental requirements wasn't continuing to increase - and skyrocketing, in some cases.

So what do we do?  How do we overcome these challenges and still make out to a place of not only "getting by," but also to a place of living comfortably?  Typically, we try for higher paying jobs.  Of course, to acquire one of these, there has to be substantial schooling and degrees - not to mention experience in the particular field.  Because we are unable to afford returning to school (even if we might have wanted to), we try to make do with what (jobs) we have.  Then we must deal with the fact that we find ourselves underpaid and unappreciated, but stuck.

Our generation is one that is always seeking growth in ourselves yet we tend to find ourselves pensive in our approach to this growth and success.  We tend to want our success to be quick and cheap (this usually meaning free).  We are also innovators and forward thinkers so we're all about the next big thing that will grow our money and our success.

So I'm wondering about people in that we have no faith in ourselves, nor do we want to place ourselves into a position where we are required to do work for our own betterment.  We are much more content with staying in our current state and complaining of all the things wrong and all the things against us.  Do we not tire of this?  Is there a solution to our current state?  In short ... YES!

Many of you know that I have been trying various programs/opportunities for making money.  I don't feel like I was bred for the "9 to 5" life, and so I've been seeking avenues to remedy my current state of 9-to-5-dom.  For the past few months, I had been researching a company and procrastinated on taking the next steps.  I'm fully aware that not every thing is for every one and I just didn't know that this one was for me.  But in all my research, I hadn't had an opportunity to reach anyone who was having any great deal of success.  Then someone sent me a video and my fate was sealed.

I'm going to provide you with a link to this video and I do hope you consider it and join a network of individuals who are SERIOUS about the success of every member within the organization.  The main business is simplistic in nature and there are many out there who are doing it.  However, only the group I've joined has created all the tools necessary to provide you with the successes you deserve.  You'll have the training necessary, the support necessary, and a corresponding option that can catapult your financial independence into a realm you only imagined possible.

Yes, this sounds really amazing and yes it sounds "too good to be true."  I can assure you, it is not.  This opportunity is not something that falls into your lap often.  Many people will ignore this, simply because they fear the "get rich quick" idea that many are perpetuating around the world.  I can assure you, this is not that.  You absolutely ARE presented with an opportunity to find yourself financially successful and independent.  However, it is not something that happens in a week and may not happen for you in a month.  HOWEVER, we are working to ensure those of us who don't want the 9-5 lifestyle have the chance to leave it.

For those of my readers who are not within the borders of the United States, fret not.  This is a GLOBAL OPPORTUNITY and each of us has an opportunity to partake in the business.

Check out this link and get back to me if you have any questions.  If you don't and you're ready to get started, either contact me or click one of the yellow "Sign Up Now" buttons on the page.  I do hope to hear from you soon!

VWayne
KiK: V.Wayne
Twitter: @VeeWayne
FB: facebook.com/its.the.gem.in.i (be sure to add me as a friend and send me a message!)

Fallout Boy: My Thoughts From Within The Aftermath

Where do I start?  Hmmm ... I know ...  I'll start with this ...

The above picture is from a post I sent out to all my social networking followers.  It gives you a GLIMPSE into the abyss holding on to the vast number of emotions within.  It's only a little bit of a smidgen of a portion of a "teench" of a modicum of the depths of indescribability therein.

Here's another ...

In each of the languages of those who have recently visited and shared with me ...
Thank you. (US/UK/Canada-English)
Спасибо. (Russia-Russian)
شكرا. (Bahrain-Arabic)
Danke. (Germany-German)
Go raibh maith agat. (Irish-Gaelic)
Merci. (France/Canada-French)
Terima kasih. (Indonesia-Indonesian)
Dziękuję. (Poland-Polish)
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In the previous post, I mentioned how I had written and REwritten that post quite a few times.  I revised it again just before submitting the post on Sunday.  The problem is, in my haste, I realized I left some hanging sentences and even a complete paragraph. (LoL SMH)  I apologize for that.  I do want to fill you in on the details of the phantom paragraph.
Recall, I mentioned the process by which the health department collects the names and phone numbers of people you've been with?  These are the individuals with whom you've been intimate ... the ones from whom you might have contracted a disease, or with whom you've so graciously shared the one you might already have had.  Again, I believe their process is to try and keep outbreak numbers low and to get people tested and treated as quickly as possible - and of course, to prevent any possible chances of an outbreak.

Well, I never told you the circumstances surrounding that phone call from the health department.  OBVIOUSLY I was surprised to receive the phone call:

"Hello, may I speak with Victor **insert my last name here**?"

"Yes, this is he. But who's calling?"  (Today, I can pinpoint this as the second to last time I have EVER answered a phone call without, first, knowing who it is.  Not surprisingly, the last time involved this same person as the catalyst.  I won't discuss, but let's just say "Jerry Springer" called.)

"My name is **Let's call him 'CCHD'** and I'm calling from the Cook County Health Department."

"Um ... what?  Who? From Where?"  I clearly haven't put two and two together regarding the sheet of paper I had found some time before this phone call.

He repeats his name and from where he's calling.

"I'm sure this is confusing, so I will just get right to it - The reason for my call is that someone with whom you've had sexual contact has come in to and tested positive for HIV and Syphilis."

**LIGHT BULB** It's starting to make sense to me now.

"We'd like for you to come in as soon as you can in order to be tested to ensure you're OK and to get started on treatment, if you're not."

"Who might that be, CCHD?"  Of course I already know who it is.

"I'm unfortunately not able to tell you that, due to privacy and confidentiality reasons."

"No matter - what's your address?  When can I come?  What time do you close?  How does this work?  What the FUCK?!"

I'm doing my best to not jump out of my body, but the vibrations and pulsations throughout my skin are hard to mask.

"This is some CLEAR bull shit!  I will leave work right this minute to come and figure this all out but SOMEONE needs to provide some answers!"

(I have the tendency to get a little dramatic - I'm sure you could gather that, already.)
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When I arrived, I received all the necessary tests - and those fun shots in the butt (I didn't want syphilis! even if they hadn't found it in the tests).  He also mentioned to me the process by which he came upon my phone number.  Apparently he had been trying to contact me for some time - recall I had found the "sheet of paper" some time before Thanksgiving and now it was almost Christmas.

"Did you change your number recently or something?"

"No, what do you mean?"

"Well, I'd been trying to reach out to you since the end of October but apparently had the wrong number.  Has your phone number ever been 312.XXX.XXXX?"

"No, but it was 847.XXX.XXXX since I'm from the north suburbs.  But I haven't had that phone number for a long time now."

"That explains it. He must have given me the incorrect phone number. That seems quite shady, don't you think?"

OK, I'm, at this point, already brooding, I don't need you fueling the fire, but I'll bite.

"It would appear that way. It sets him up to have simply 'made a mistake' with just entering the incorrect area code.  He would look as if he made a common mistake.  Only, we are/were in a relationship, so that shit doesn't fly.  What I still don't understand is how you have the CORRECT number now?"

"Oh, right.  Well, like I said, the number was wrong, but we did have numbers of others."  I am more intrigued now.  "Apparently there's another person the two of you shared sexually."

"Let's not try and piss me off now - I don't do threesomes with people I'm with."

"Calm down. I didn't mean it like that!"

"Oh."

"I simply mean that there's someone you two have both been with recently."

"This also can't be true because I've only been with him."

"Let me take a look at my notes." He does, while continually eyeballing me. Ain't nobody got time for his advances right now. I'm ENDING a relationship and he's trying to pounce on that rebound status. SMH.
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Apparently my boyfriend had been sexual with his ex-roommate (I used my deductive reasoning to figure this out).  CCDH told me the person was someone I had "messed around with" some time ago, but who had also figured out who the person behind the whole situation was.  Knowing the person in question, he immediately wanted to make sure I was covered because there was a fear that I would not find out - I was providing food and shelter for him at this point.  The boyfriend had plenty of reason to hide this from me.

If he hadn't withheld the correct phone number, there is a possibility that I wouldn't have gone so many months with the virus coursing through my veins.  I could have been made aware of the circumstances before Thanksgiving.  There is also the possibility that I could have been done with him before I even had an opportunity for exposure.  Actually, the more I think about it, this is almost an absolute certainty.

Based upon the timeline, I tested in December and was negative but tested positive in April of the next year.  I wasn't engaging in risky behavior at that time, so it had been sitting in my system.  Basically, when I tested in December, there were no antibodies present to cause the test to register as positive.  I believe the "window period" for the particular type of test used to be able to detect the antibodies in the blood was (maybe still is, I don't know) is like 30 - 90 days.

To explain this, HIV exposure can cause antibodies to be created in like 2 weeks for some and longer for others.  In order for this to be captured (or detected) by the tests (looking for antibodies only), there needs to be enough copies of the antibodies in the system.  This is the reason these rapid tests are so common - they yield quick results because they are looking for antibodies.  It begs to reason that, if there are antibodies in the system, the virus is also there.  (How else do the antibodies form? The body has to have a reason to create them.)

The timeline leaves open the possibility that I had not been affected by the time he had tested positive and provided false contact information for me.  Honesty provides the opportunity for me to make decisions myself.  I would have had an opportunity to ensure I was healthy and determine the proper course of action to move forward.  We could have been "more careful" than we were.  We could have talked about it.  We could have dealt with it.  But I wasn't given this opportunity.

Please don't get me wrong, I am NOT without blame in this situation.  I wanted to be treated like an adult in all other ways, so I should have been protecting myself better to ensure I emerged unscathed.  But I did not.  I made the adult decision to engage in risky behavior and I have to deal with the consequences - as an adult would.  Now I'm here.  Of course, there was deceit involved on many levels.  But his increased antics of deceit and situational manipulation do not remove any blame from me.
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I am beyond pleased that so many of you have taken the time out to read my novels! **smile**  I cannot tell you how much it means to me.  It means even more that so many of you felt it necessary to reach out to me - via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and via email.  The overwhelming part comes from the OUTPOURING of contact from you all.  Your well wishes.  Your kind words and thoughts.  Your support.  Your stories of solidarity.  Your words of encouragement and inspiration. Your stories of a similar nature.  You inspire me!

I truly didn't know what the aftermath of posting such a personal testimony would yield.  I will state that I am pleasantly surprised.  Using words such as "amazing" or "brave/courageous" coupled with "hero" and "inspiration" make me slightly uncomfortable, however I take it with it's original intent.  Thusly, I appreciate it immensely.
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Finally, to answer a question from last night: "Why on Earth did you write this?"  I did not write this for some sort of attention or notoriety.  I actually wrote it as a means of therapy for myself.  I'm a firm believer that discussing the things that bother us provide us with a greater opportunity for, not only greater self-awareness, but also for an opportunity of release.  I also feel like talking about it opens up your own way of thinking about it, as you release it into the atmosphere/world/universe.  This means I could have talked to a counselor/therapist about it, right? Well, clearly I'm an overly analytical human being and so I felt like this would have been a nice stepping stone, but it wouldn't eradicate my issues with it.  To post it on the web, it is PERMANENT.  It is completely open for interpretation from any and EVERYONE.  Additionally, it is not hidden within 4 walls where it's shared with only 2 people.  Having told the world, there is no one who could hold it over my head because I've relinquished the power that it could ever have over me - ever again.  I've taken control and plan to sprint with it.

Immediately after it posted and I couldn't think about it again, I literally felt free.  I felt lighter.  I had been having pain in my chest the days leading up to it - again, this day has always had properties of fear within it.  To let go of all that fear and open myself up for public ridicule is absolutely courageous.  I didn't know I was being brave, but I do now.  This has allowed for a miraculous change and zen-like peace.

Today my girl, Kia sent me a quote - I don't know the original person to use the phrasing:

"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."

... indeed