14 April 2013

Coming Out ... AGAIN! **OR** Happy Aniversary (?)


PREFACE (written Tuesday, April 9th):

I've written and rewritten this post so many times over the past 2-3 months - that's when I finally made up my mind to write it. I thought I might have actually been finished with it and could just save it until time to post on the 14th. Well, today required a new revision/rewrite.

My friend, Kia, issued me a challenge today. She said



As I've said previously, this post has been rewritten many times to cover how I wanted to tell this story - what details would I divulge? What methods of storytelling? Would I go all the way? Would I hold back even a modicum of information? In what voice would I share? With this new challenge, I now have some additional questions to ask: How much anger would be used? If/When this anger is used, to what end would there be a benefit to it's use? What would be the spin of positivity I might weave?

Clearly, this challenge would prove to be ... well ... challenging!

After rereading the then current version, I said a little prayer and simply began writing all over again.  The following is what I came up with. It is, simply stated, the raw information - I lost regard for how to write it and just did. Keeping from being negative ceased to be a factor. The positive spin is just that I've written it at all. I'm sharing with you something quite personal and the level of vulnerability I'm overcoming is good enough in that regard. So **deep breath**

... here we go ...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Today is my anniversary.  A few years ago, my life was altered, completely and irrevocably.  To explain it, let's give you the back story.

Toward the end of 2007, I moved my then boyfriend into my apartment with me.  Despite the myriad of naysayers and the chatter surrounding what I should and should not do, I made the decision because I thought it was right for me.  I was 25 years old and therefore old enough to make my own decisions.  At that age (and perhaps it's just me), I think we all come into some idea that we should begin acting as adults do.  This meant that I should stop acting like a child and focus more on long-standing relationships.  Gone were the days of the standard gay 3-month "relationship" we all came to know.  He was about 30 at the time - perfect way to transition into adulthood, with someone who was already an adult, right?

I wanted so much for this particular relationship to work that I defied even my mother - the quintessential 'end all, be all' in my life.  She worried a great deal and was verbal in her opposition.  I changed (and subsequently risked) family traditions to appease him; I compromised to include him in all that I did.  I wanted happiness.  I was looking for the promised land - in terms of love - and would do whatever it took to obtain it.  I recently mentioned him so you have an idea of the kind of guy he was.  The part you might not have gotten is how much I turned a blind eye to it.  Hindsight being 20/20, I now realize I was so focused on the relationship as a whole, that I neglected the things he did that harmed me and my other relationships with family and friends. I was consistently willing to make the ultimate sacrifices.

One day right before Thanksgiving, I was cleaning my apartment and found a sheet of paper. On it, was the logo for the Cook County Health Department (at the time, I was living in Kenosha, WI - what was this doing here?), their phone number, a number depicting one's place in line, a recent date, etc.  Despite a certain level of confusion, I maintained my calm - clearly there was a logical explanation for this, right?  I had been enduring what seemed to be self-induced, complex, peace negotiations with my family regarding how we would be spending the holiday (more compromise, on my part, for him and his family).  I really hadn't the strength to endure my impending anger, so I tabled the discussion.

I brought it up, quite some time later, but I wasn't angry. I just wanted to know why he had gone to get tested (without me).  You see, we had talked about consistently going together in some lofty ideal of solidarity and strength we (mainly I) had concocted - some purported bond we were solidifying.  Clearly I just needed a way to prove to others how adult we were (I was) being.  His response didn't surprise me ... But then again, it did.  It was quite thorough and involved (surely he didn't think I had forgotten the situation), but it made a great deal of sense.

He said he had gone with his best friend who had serious reason to believe he had contracted an STD from some guy he had been with one night. (plausible) He also said he had explained our agreement to go together but noticed how much his friend needed him. (sensible) He verified that it was simply a situation of moral support.  His friend had, in fact, contracted HIV and my boyfriend was told he was clean. (admirable and relieving) Of course, there was no reason for me to bring it back up, right?

By Christmas, we would no longer be together.

For those of you unaware of the process when going to the health department for std testing, please allow me to enlighten you.  When engaging in risky encounters, one must take precaution.  Because not everyone has insurance (or because one don't want one's family/employer to know what's happening), a trip to the health department can provide contraception before the act or testing afterward.  Obviously there are other reasons people go to the health department but this has no bearing on the story.  Apologies, I digress.

Once everything has been completed with your testing, you're given a counseling session while awaiting results.  During this time, you might be asked questions about your sexual behavior (a risk assessment) and questions about your partners (assuming you know anything about them).  Once your results are in, you are also asked the names and numbers of your partners.  This, I believe, is a way of public outbreak protection.  Nonetheless, they also ask that you contact your partner(s) to bring in anyone who may need testing.

Merry Christmas.  I received a phone call ... from a gentleman at the Cook County Health Department.  It seems someone I had been with sexually had tested positive for HIV and Syphilis and they needed me to come in for testing - for my own protection, of course.  Though everything came back negative, I still elected to endure the awesome penicillin shots in my rump for good measure.  They said I should have a follow up test due to the time it takes for the body to acquire antibodies.

That was the day I kicked him out.

I moved on with my life and eventually began dating someone new.  I was still trying to build up that adult attitude in my relationships and my overall life.  I had a pretty decent job with some great benefits.  Since I was beginning to get a sore throat (my awesome tonsil issues), I decided to go to the doctor.  I hadn't really been to a doctor in many years.  So I decided to get a primary care physician and get the general basis of my overall health.  I had no reason to think there was any cause for alarm, so I tested for everything - might as well use the insurance since I was paying for it, right?  Besides, my doctor (and all her staff) was beyond anything I could have asked for. Everyone was super

April 14, 2008. While i was at work, I received a call from my doctor - I was waiting to hear from her to ensure it wasn't strep. The nurse stated everything was fine with the throat culture but that I would need to come in for the results of the std battery. Attempting not to panic, trying to keep my shock at bay, I told her I would not come in and I needed answers immediately. She went off to bring the doctor on the line. My brain started racing, almost matching the speed of my heart. Which was it? Syphilis? Gonorrhea? Chlamydia? Herpes?

My doctor got on the line and her pleasant voice made me want to reach through the phone and cut off her air supply with the phone cord. I listened to her thoughtful speech - perfect tone, soothing but definitive, her words perfectly chosen - as she confirmed the only diagnosis I had NEGLECTED to consider.

"I hate to have to tell you this - especially over the telephone. There are many options for treatment ..." She then went through the complete battery of tests, "... negative ... negative ... clean ... but ..." She took a deep breath, "we did find antibodies for HIV. This would mean your body is already fighting off the virus." After my silence, she answered my silent question, "Victor, you're positive, you have HIV." Direct. Just what I needed to snap me back into reality.

It's amazing the things you remember in such explicit detail.

I immediately went into crisis mode - more like crisis prevention mode. I had some people who needed to be told but I didn't know if I could bring myself to do it. I went to my car, just in case I broke down into uncontrollable tears. After sitting there, numb, for what seemed a lifetime, I found myself with my phone to my ear. I don't think I knew who I was calling until my best friend of (at the time) 17 years, Tammy. (I only just now realized she was the first person I told.) While I can't remember the details of the call, I know she did a lot of crying which, in turn, caused me to do the same. I needed her to calm me down and to help me work on how to tell some fairly important people in my life - siblings, my boyfriend, my mother!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Sorry, I needed a moment to cry a bit. Every year, I fear this day. I'm afraid I will have some sort of a dramatic breakdown because, in my truth, I have never had an actual reaction to my diagnosis. I have only had reactions to the reactions of others - in one way or another. Typically I go through the motions of the day. I don't cause a stir or anything because I'm just waiting... Waiting for the reaction... Waiting for the aftermath... Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it never happens. I'm in my own little self-induced state of purgatory.

My thoughts on this subject are that I just need to get it out. I can no longer sit in the closet because that isn't me. Just as I came out of the closet thirteen years ago as a man who happens to have an amorous affinity toward other men, it is time for it again. I'm a man who tends to speak his mind on many subjects - why should this one be any different?

I have no clue whether or not this will benefit others. I do hope it does. I have no clue whether or not this will be received with it's original (and subsequent) intentions. I pray the reception is at least in that realm. I hope everyone gets tested. Regularly. The level of importance is clearly there. Yes, my own levels have been great the past five years, due - in some part - to management with medicines and an overall better attention being paid to my overall health. There are many treatment options out there that can, essentially, be tailor made to you and your circumstances. The only way for you to obtain the treatment is to, FIRST, get tested!

I love you all,






2 comments:

  1. May The Most High continue to order your steps Vee for you have and will touch many lives.
    Love,
    Li

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are very brave and I admire the courage you have to reveal something so intimate about yourself just to make others aware of the importance of being tested. This is a clear message that "it can happen to any of us". Jah Bless you Victor. You have family over here in all of us for sure.

    ReplyDelete