My First Time

It had been raining for, pretty much, the whole day.  Interestingly though, it didn't seem to be gloomy and depressing but more like those little drops of liquid sunshine we'd been told so much about as children.  It seemed to truly be about renewal and re-purposed use of the space.  Why think negatively about it, right?

Truth be told, it was the start of a new experience for me. I was embarking on new experiences - as I have been on a daily here in New York.  The rain merely mirrored my thoughts on the day and all the happenings within my life since my arrival here - it had been a continuous refreshing of my mind and spirit so that I could be better prepared to live in each moment.

As I left the restaurant, the rain had not subsided.  As I strolled down the Brooklyn streets, I found myself singing in the rain (in my mind, that is).  I called my parents to tell them of my day.  I was sure I'd be on the phone with my mom for a little while, so I stopped in the doorway of a closed store to shield myself from the rain.  I was dressed rather business casual (but with VWayne appeal) but nothing too flashy.  I was knee-deep in a discussion on the virtues of maintaining a positive attitude in life when he approached me.

He was an attractive older Caucasian (is that a PC term anymore?) gentlemen - perhaps late 30s to mid 40s.  He wore khaki slacks, the long sleeves of his plaid shirt were rolled up, a gray sweater tied around his waist, dark brown shoes, and a seemingly matching dark brown messenger bag across his chest.

He seemed to walk toward me as if he knew me - quickly down the street, then slowing when he was about 5 feet or so away.  I wasn't standing very far from the subway, so I assumed he was making his way into the station.  I didn't pay much attention but still noticed his movements - being cognizant of my surroundings is, after all, my favorite pastime.

He made eye contact and smiled.  Of course, I've been taught to be cordial so I flashed him a polite smile and continued my conversation. (these pleasantries may stop going forward)  A couple moments passed and I realized he was still hovering within that same 3-5 foot radius around the door I was in. He smiled again.  A curious smile appeared on my face.

What he did next freaked me out a bit and opened my eyes to a phenomenon women talk about all the time.  On his 3rd or 4th trip past me, I watched him remove a gold band from his fourth finger, left hand before placing it into his brown messenger bag.  I did my best to disguise my disgust - both on my face and in my voice while I was speaking with my mother.  The sheer fact that he continued to slowly circle me as if I were chum in the sea and he was some sort of great white shark bothered me already.  Add to this that he basically tied a bib around his neck before going in for his meal, well ... yea.

I ended the conversation with my mother "good night, I love you.  Kiss my dad."  I could tell he assuredly saw this as his opportunity.  He turned toward me with a smile (significantly wider than those prior) and raised eyebrows.  I figured the thoughts in his mind had something to do with the bulge he then sported within his khakis and how he might use me to assist him with this.  I can't imagine the level of disappointment he must have felt as I walked right past him without acknowledgment.  As I descended into the subway, I assume there was a great deal of deflation in his ego, not to mention his pants. Sucks to be him.

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I survived my first cruising experience in New York.  While it may not have had the happy ending most might expect from such an encounter, it was still worth going through at all.

Undetectable: The New Condom(?)

I do hope that everyone understands I don't currently have an agenda to become an HIV advocate.  I just want it to be known that my reasons for "coming out" with my positive status last month had nothing to do with any sort of political platform or trying to build a career in advocacy. I merely needed to do it for myself and I am now absorbing the things that have come across my oath since divulging that information.  With that being said, today I posted in a forum on a popular gay social networking site.  Let's just say certain chats with guys on sites such as this one lead to my venting and questioning.  As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment below.

FYI - Undetectable, as defined by Dr Frascino via thebody.com is "the HIV plasma viral load is below the lower limit of detection for the particular test assay that is being used. Early viral load tests could only test down to 10,000 copies. Newer tests were able to test down to 500 copies of the virus per milliliter of plasma. The even newer ultrasensitive viral load assays can test all the way down to 25 or 50 copies/ml. We now have ultra-ultrasensitive assays available in some research laboratories that can test down to a single copy per ml! However, even in HIV-positive patients with HIV plasma viral loads below 1 copy/ml, this does not mean they have zero virus in their body. HIV still exists inside cells in the blood, lymph nodes and other body compartments."

I'm not certain how many of you have noticed this trend but I am curious the thoughts of others because I often feel like I'm on my own when it comes to this.  Have we evolved into the thought process that sexing someone who is HIV+ but "undetectable" provides us the same "risk-free" behavior as if we were with someone HIV-?

Let me start this by saying, after 5years of being "poz," I have learned to live with it and now allow myself the freedom of posting it freely on sites as if it were my eye color.  Let me also mention that I have divulged my status to my sexual partners before now but recently decided that I needn't be closeted about my status to anyone.  No, everyone doesn't need to know, but I have found that even using "everyone doesn't need to know my business" was as an excuse to be hidden about it.  The more I hid it, the more I seemed to feel there was something wrong with me and that just wasn't the case.

Sorry about that - it wasn't my intention to talk so much about myself, but I guess it was necessary.  Recently, when divulging my status to those who ask (or it seems like we might go further than idle online chit chat), I've found that the response is favorable (at first).  Guys say "thanks for being honest" or "I don't judge people based on their past" or something along those lines.  But then it changes.  The very next question tends to be "are you undetectable?"  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm aware that some guys are wanting to verify that you are taking care of yourself so as to ensure they aren't increasing their risk on multiple levels.  Te problem, however, is that I find many of these guys have a follow up question of "do you bareback?" 

**insert shocked face here**

Please don't get me wrong, it is not my intention to publicly condemn or judge.  I'm curious and I am concerned.  Have we gotten to the point of adaptation to the virus and are really thinking a cure is coming so soon that we have decided to disregard our only saving grace, save abstinence?  When did we (as a community) decide roulette was the game du jour?  Did I miss something?  For 4 of my 5 years, I had been in a committed relationship and so I don't know when this shift happened? 

I recall the evolutionary stage where it was decided (after all the information stating "it's no longer a death sentence"] that medication made it easier to live longer, healthier, happier lives.  But the community then adapted and said, "if I catch it, I can get on meds, so it isn't a big deal."  Now, obviously this wasn't the thought process of the community at large, but I'm sure we all know (of) someone who seemed to have blatant disregard because of this.

My only concern is that we have now evolved into even riskier behavior and I'm afraid of this current trajectory.  A couple of months ago, I posted on my blog that I fear a cure to the point of saying I hope we don't have one any time soon.  I feel like the more we get to a point of feeling any more as if we can live risk free, we will have disregard for our own health and the health of others.  One could pontificate on many reasons for this but it boils down to (de)evolution. Guys have gotten to a point of always looking for creative ways of doing what they want without regard for themselves or others.

Obviously I didn't really mean I don't want a cure.  Despite my new "out of the closet" mindset, I don't *WANT* HIV.  I would gladly give it up.  My fears are still the same, though - dudes have become ridiculously oblivious to the risks because they feel like there is still a remedy.  I'm a human (a human MALE) so clearly I can enjoy sex like all the rest.  I'm also aware of the "increased" physical pleasures of sex sans a condom.  I just feel there is a greater social responsibility being shirked.  It appears dudes have this feeling of invincibility or just merely a lack of real and tangible consequences to their actions, so why bother?  Isn't that what it is?  Am I the only one who is noticing this?  Am I the only one concerned? Hmmmm has being "undetectable" been translated to render condoms obsolete?

For many, you are getting a glance into a world you only partially understand.  In many cases, I do feel like the oblivious or naive attitude many heterosexuals have toward the inner workings within the gay community tend to feed into these behaviors.  This tends to stem from the healthcare policies created to quell the known aspects but not treating the causes.  As a society, the population at large speaks for all these minorities but there isn't enough representation to inform those who would choose to remain oblivious.  For this, both sides hold some blame.

As always, I would be remiss if I didn't state:

Make it common practice to get tested! There are better odds when you know than when you don't!

~VWayne

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