30 Days Til 30: Day 28 (or "I Make My Own Sunshine")

It's raining off and on in Chicago today. My future husband is doing the deep cleaning thing at home and I feel like I should get out of his way. I'm a little down because I can tell he's deep within his feelings still. I can't shake the feeling of helplessness because there's never much I can do to help him come out of the funk. Whenever I ask "whats wrong?" he tells me "nothing" and, rather than get even more frustrated, I plan to leave the house so that he can have his space to clear his mind.

This isn't the first time this has happened, after the years we've been together, I know him - even if he's uncertain of himself. I know that his cleaning spells are an indication of a great deal of introspection and self-discovery - that is, if he will allow himself to feel and get to the root of the issues weighing heavy upon his heart. See, the "Sun of My Stars" is a very strong man. He's the type of person who gives of himself so easily that it's hard for him to allow a bit of time or energy for himself. This bothers me a great deal because I see how much it bothers him. With every time he puts the needs of another before his own, he fills up with a bit more of the energy not released to deal with himself. Until he is bursting at the seams with the need to purge.

At this point, he becomes somewhat of a recluse and I feel extremely selfish that I desire the "normal" him at a time when he's trying to figure out how to get back to the "him" he usually is. I just hate to see him like this and I want to punch the face of every person taking any piece of him before he reached this point (yes, I am aware I am within this group).

So I'm providing him the space necessary. I'm giving him the opportunity to find the root of things causing his lack of self and work on preventing it so that it doesn't consume him to the point of shutting down altogether. So I came to the coffee shop not too far from the house.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No doubt, you've seen this commercial:



I have to admit, every time it comes on, I tend to smile a bit. Not the big grin of happiness, but the feel good smile from the inside. The artist of the song, Alyssa Bonagura, weaves a nice feeling of hope and overall empowerment in her words "it don't matter if it's raining, nothing can phase me." So today, as it rains, I sit wishing this same song did the same for my Heart. I wish this song would help him to break out of the funk he is experiencing and get back to himself.

Here's the whole song:



Today's Embedded Truth: I am afraid of the feeling of helplessness within my life when I can't better his.

30 Days Til 30: Day 29 (or "Orange Moon")

This could also be called Moon of My Life
(Yes, I've been watching "Game of Thrones"

I tend to insert Jordyn into just about every post and every conversation I have. That's sort of gross and kinda gay (LoL!). But I'm entirely in love with him and think the world of him. I know I don't always show it to him, but I talk/think about him so much that one might be lead to believe I see the world shining out of his ssa.

I don't know how many feel about their significant others or if my feelings are rare, but I tend to tell others about him - often moreso than I might tell him. Nevertheless, one song I tend to listen to quite often is Erykah Badu's "Orange Moon". It tends to speak to many pieces of me and for many reasons over the years.

I think when I first heard it, I enjoyed the possibilities it seemed to describe within an idea of a love which I had never experienced - a love within God and shared with another. I now see so much more within it. It speaks of a love so big that it seemed to overpower others, radiating so boldly that it scared them away - others who were not prepared for such a love or the possibilities of such.

Now that I've met Jordyn and subsequently met my true self within all that he tends to bring about in me, I see every piece of this song within us. She says "I'm an orange moon, reflecting the light of the sun." In my mind, this is an expression of God's light and love manifest within me. She goes on within the first verse, saying:

Many nights he was alone
Man, many, many nights
His light was too bright
So they turned away
And he stood alone
Every night and every day
Then he turned to me
He saw his reflection in me
And he smiled in me
When he turned to me
then he said to me
How good it is.
How good it is.
How good it is.
How good he is!

There isn't likely a better way to describe what Jordyn has done to me. I had once felt alone in this world - despite being surrounded by others who would wish me well. I often felt the love I was brimming to share with others was continually turned away and abused until he presented himself to me. I tend to gravitate to him because he reflects a presence not unlike my own. He exudes a love and a light that is not unlike my own. His heartbeat is felt within my own chest and his pulse runs throughout my own veins. I feel him, permeating deep within my soul, in ways that make it difficult to know who he is and who I am - where I end and he begins.

We have gone through many adversities together and we come out new and improved, all the while still being the very same. He is an absolute reflection of what comes from within and placed perfectly within my life to show me what God is for my life. He is the moon of my life, reflecting exactly what the Sun (God's light) exudes from my pores.

"Moon of My Life" - Game of Thrones

Fact about me: I am dangerously in love with him.

How good it is, indeed.

30 Days Til 30: Day 30 (or "New Beginnings")

Well, well, well ...

It's been a FULL YEAR since I've spoken with you all. Wow! How fickle am I that I continue to come back saying "expect a change" or "I'm back" or ... well, anything to express my new beginnings and renewed fervor to write. How could I expect you to continue returning if you don't have anything to read consistently. Well ... I'M BACK!

... but this time I have more realistic expectations.

I'm not going to write for you, but for myself. This time I will write as often as I'm able, and allow you a glimpse into my journey. This brings me to my new plan ...

In 30 days, I will be turning 30 years old. Culminating the completion of 30 years of life after expulsion from my mother's womb. Now, I know this is news to most of you, because you've only known me as 25 years old, but I only have 29 more days to be 25. So in 30 days, I will no longer be 25 but I'll be 30. That's 10,958 days. 262,992 hours. 15,779,520 minutes, 946,771,200 seconds.

In addition to this revelation, I will reveal a new secret/fact/piece of me.

Of course, today's: I'm turning 30! =)

Well yes, that's an easy one, but if you continue coming back, perhaps they will get deeper each day.