It's raining off and on in Chicago today. My future husband is doing the deep cleaning thing at home and I feel like I should get out of his way. I'm a little down because I can tell he's deep within his feelings still. I can't shake the feeling of helplessness because there's never much I can do to help him come out of the funk. Whenever I ask "whats wrong?" he tells me "nothing" and, rather than get even more frustrated, I plan to leave the house so that he can have his space to clear his mind.
This isn't the first time this has happened, after the years we've been together, I know him - even if he's uncertain of himself. I know that his cleaning spells are an indication of a great deal of introspection and self-discovery - that is, if he will allow himself to feel and get to the root of the issues weighing heavy upon his heart. See, the "Sun of My Stars" is a very strong man. He's the type of person who gives of himself so easily that it's hard for him to allow a bit of time or energy for himself. This bothers me a great deal because I see how much it bothers him. With every time he puts the needs of another before his own, he fills up with a bit more of the energy not released to deal with himself. Until he is bursting at the seams with the need to purge.
At this point, he becomes somewhat of a recluse and I feel extremely selfish that I desire the "normal" him at a time when he's trying to figure out how to get back to the "him" he usually is. I just hate to see him like this and I want to punch the face of every person taking any piece of him before he reached this point (yes, I am aware I am within this group).
So I'm providing him the space necessary. I'm giving him the opportunity to find the root of things causing his lack of self and work on preventing it so that it doesn't consume him to the point of shutting down altogether. So I came to the coffee shop not too far from the house.
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No doubt, you've seen this commercial:
I have to admit, every time it comes on, I tend to smile a bit. Not the big grin of happiness, but the feel good smile from the inside. The artist of the song, Alyssa Bonagura, weaves a nice feeling of hope and overall empowerment in her words "it don't matter if it's raining, nothing can phase me." So today, as it rains, I sit wishing this same song did the same for my Heart. I wish this song would help him to break out of the funk he is experiencing and get back to himself.
Here's the whole song:
Today's Embedded Truth: I am afraid of the feeling of helplessness within my life when I can't better his.
After reading this, my heart started palpitating with a joyous rhythm that I can't explain. I truly thank you and God for demonstrating what love is and how to forever continue to appreciate the wonderful gift that you are to my existence. I love and have loved you everyday of our relationship and I know that our love will not only work, but it will last forever. This tearful treasure reminds me of how not to take you for granted and always express how I'm feeling, forever and always! You deserve it and that's what we're here for. To be a blessing that God wanted us to be for one another! Here's to both of us working hard, with love to be kept! I love you so very much and don't ever doubt that for one second, minute, hour, day, week, month or year! Muah
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