Here's another ...
In each of the languages of those who have recently visited and shared with me ...
Thank you. (US/UK/Canada-English)
Спасибо. (Russia-Russian)
شكرا. (Bahrain-Arabic)
Danke. (Germany-German)
Go raibh maith agat. (Irish-Gaelic)
Merci. (France/Canada-French)
Terima kasih. (Indonesia-Indonesian)
Dziękuję. (Poland-Polish)
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In the previous post, I mentioned how I had written and REwritten that post quite a few times. I revised it again just before submitting the post on Sunday. The problem is, in my haste, I realized I left some hanging sentences and even a complete paragraph. (LoL SMH) I apologize for that. I do want to fill you in on the details of the phantom paragraph.
Recall, I mentioned the process by which the health department collects the names and phone numbers of people you've been with? These are the individuals with whom you've been intimate ... the ones from whom you might have contracted a disease, or with whom you've so graciously shared the one you might already have had. Again, I believe their process is to try and keep outbreak numbers low and to get people tested and treated as quickly as possible - and of course, to prevent any possible chances of an outbreak.
Well, I never told you the circumstances surrounding that phone call from the health department. OBVIOUSLY I was surprised to receive the phone call:
"Hello, may I speak with Victor **insert my last name here**?"
"Yes, this is he. But who's calling?" (Today, I can pinpoint this as the second to last time I have EVER answered a phone call without, first, knowing who it is. Not surprisingly, the last time involved this same person as the catalyst. I won't discuss, but let's just say "Jerry Springer" called.)
"My name is **Let's call him 'CCHD'** and I'm calling from the Cook County Health Department."
"Um ... what? Who? From Where?" I clearly haven't put two and two together regarding the sheet of paper I had found some time before this phone call.
He repeats his name and from where he's calling.
"I'm sure this is confusing, so I will just get right to it - The reason for my call is that someone with whom you've had sexual contact has come in to and tested positive for HIV and Syphilis."
**LIGHT BULB** It's starting to make sense to me now.
"We'd like for you to come in as soon as you can in order to be tested to ensure you're OK and to get started on treatment, if you're not."
"Who might that be, CCHD?" Of course I already know who it is.
"I'm unfortunately not able to tell you that, due to privacy and confidentiality reasons."
"No matter - what's your address? When can I come? What time do you close? How does this work? What the FUCK?!"
I'm doing my best to not jump out of my body, but the vibrations and pulsations throughout my skin are hard to mask.
"This is some CLEAR bull shit! I will leave work right this minute to come and figure this all out but SOMEONE needs to provide some answers!"
(I have the tendency to get a little dramatic - I'm sure you could gather that, already.)
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When I arrived, I received all the necessary tests - and those fun shots in the butt (I didn't want syphilis! even if they hadn't found it in the tests). He also mentioned to me the process by which he came upon my phone number. Apparently he had been trying to contact me for some time - recall I had found the "sheet of paper" some time before Thanksgiving and now it was almost Christmas.
"Did you change your number recently or something?"
"No, what do you mean?"
"Well, I'd been trying to reach out to you since the end of October but apparently had the wrong number. Has your phone number ever been 312.XXX.XXXX?"
"No, but it was 847.XXX.XXXX since I'm from the north suburbs. But I haven't had that phone number for a long time now."
"That explains it. He must have given me the incorrect phone number. That seems quite shady, don't you think?"
OK, I'm, at this point, already brooding, I don't need you fueling the fire, but I'll bite.
"It would appear that way. It sets him up to have simply 'made a mistake' with just entering the incorrect area code. He would look as if he made a common mistake. Only, we are/were in a relationship, so that shit doesn't fly. What I still don't understand is how you have the CORRECT number now?"
"Oh, right. Well, like I said, the number was wrong, but we did have numbers of others." I am more intrigued now. "Apparently there's another person the two of you shared sexually."
"Let's not try and piss me off now - I don't do threesomes with people I'm with."
"Calm down. I didn't mean it like that!"
"Oh."
"I simply mean that there's someone you two have both been with recently."
"This also can't be true because I've only been with him."
"Let me take a look at my notes." He does, while continually eyeballing me. Ain't nobody got time for his advances right now. I'm ENDING a relationship and he's trying to pounce on that rebound status. SMH.
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Apparently my boyfriend had been sexual with his ex-roommate (I used my deductive reasoning to figure this out). CCDH told me the person was someone I had "messed around with" some time ago, but who had also figured out who the person behind the whole situation was. Knowing the person in question, he immediately wanted to make sure I was covered because there was a fear that I would not find out - I was providing food and shelter for him at this point. The boyfriend had plenty of reason to hide this from me.
If he hadn't withheld the correct phone number, there is a possibility that I wouldn't have gone so many months with the virus coursing through my veins. I could have been made aware of the circumstances before Thanksgiving. There is also the possibility that I could have been done with him before I even had an opportunity for exposure. Actually, the more I think about it, this is almost an absolute certainty.
Based upon the timeline, I tested in December and was negative but tested positive in April of the next year. I wasn't engaging in risky behavior at that time, so it had been sitting in my system. Basically, when I tested in December, there were no antibodies present to cause the test to register as positive. I believe the "window period" for the particular type of test used to be able to detect the antibodies in the blood was (maybe still is, I don't know) is like 30 - 90 days.
To explain this, HIV exposure can cause antibodies to be created in like 2 weeks for some and longer for others. In order for this to be captured (or detected) by the tests (looking for antibodies only), there needs to be enough copies of the antibodies in the system. This is the reason these rapid tests are so common - they yield quick results because they are looking for antibodies. It begs to reason that, if there are antibodies in the system, the virus is also there. (How else do the antibodies form? The body has to have a reason to create them.)
The timeline leaves open the possibility that I had not been affected by the time he had tested positive and provided false contact information for me. Honesty provides the opportunity for me to make decisions myself. I would have had an opportunity to ensure I was healthy and determine the proper course of action to move forward. We could have been "more careful" than we were. We could have talked about it. We could have dealt with it. But I wasn't given this opportunity.
Please don't get me wrong, I am NOT without blame in this situation. I wanted to be treated like an adult in all other ways, so I should have been protecting myself better to ensure I emerged unscathed. But I did not. I made the adult decision to engage in risky behavior and I have to deal with the consequences - as an adult would. Now I'm here. Of course, there was deceit involved on many levels. But his increased antics of deceit and situational manipulation do not remove any blame from me.
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I am beyond pleased that so many of you have taken the time out to read my novels! **smile** I cannot tell you how much it means to me. It means even more that so many of you felt it necessary to reach out to me - via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and via email. The overwhelming part comes from the OUTPOURING of contact from you all. Your well wishes. Your kind words and thoughts. Your support. Your stories of solidarity. Your words of encouragement and inspiration. Your stories of a similar nature. You inspire me!
I truly didn't know what the aftermath of posting such a personal testimony would yield. I will state that I am pleasantly surprised. Using words such as "amazing" or "brave/courageous" coupled with "hero" and "inspiration" make me slightly uncomfortable, however I take it with it's original intent. Thusly, I appreciate it immensely.
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Finally, to answer a question from last night: "Why on Earth did you write this?" I did not write this for some sort of attention or notoriety. I actually wrote it as a means of therapy for myself. I'm a firm believer that discussing the things that bother us provide us with a greater opportunity for, not only greater self-awareness, but also for an opportunity of release. I also feel like talking about it opens up your own way of thinking about it, as you release it into the atmosphere/world/universe. This means I could have talked to a counselor/therapist about it, right? Well, clearly I'm an overly analytical human being and so I felt like this would have been a nice stepping stone, but it wouldn't eradicate my issues with it. To post it on the web, it is PERMANENT. It is completely open for interpretation from any and EVERYONE. Additionally, it is not hidden within 4 walls where it's shared with only 2 people. Having told the world, there is no one who could hold it over my head because I've relinquished the power that it could ever have over me - ever again. I've taken control and plan to sprint with it.
Immediately after it posted and I couldn't think about it again, I literally felt free. I felt lighter. I had been having pain in my chest the days leading up to it - again, this day has always had properties of fear within it. To let go of all that fear and open myself up for public ridicule is absolutely courageous. I didn't know I was being brave, but I do now. This has allowed for a miraculous change and zen-like peace.
Today my girl, Kia sent me a quote - I don't know the original person to use the phrasing:
"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."
... indeed
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