Have you ever wanted (SO BADLY) to just HATE someone - someone who didn't even do anything directly to you?  Have you ever wanted to just HATE someone who hurt one of your loved ones (friend, sister, brother, mother, etc?) just so your loved one wouldn't have to?  Your loved one has such a huge bleeding heart that they continue to try and see the potential good within this person regardless of the NUMEROUS times his/her own sacrifice made him/her vulnerable or susceptible to further peril?  This person just continues to hurt and harm your loved one over and over again - each time increasing the severity of the pain?  This goes on until the ULTIMATE pain ensues and your loved one is left with less than a mere PORTION of their former selves to help cope with the pain.  Have you ever wanted to hate a person because you feel like their blatant disregard for someone - especially someone who CONTINUALLY gives to them in one way or another - has put them in a position where they "DESERVE" to be hated?  You don't want it to be your loved one because you don't want this sort of karma on them - they don't need that extra burden ... nothing more.  SOMEONE has to do it, right?  Perhaps you should just go ahead and lay on that sword to absorb the extra pain your loved one should NOT have to endure.  You should just eat that for them.

Have you ever wanted to just HATE someone who didn't do anything directly to you?

'Notting Hill' or 'Love Found In The Movies'

There's something about Julia.  Hugh is beautifully dynamic.

Maybe it's the rain but, I'm quite introspective today.  Before posting any of my blogs, I tend to re-read them to try and ensure my initial point comes through.  While I read this, I realized my point came across, but it isn't what was originally intended.  Either way ...

I must admit, when I first saw the movie "Notting Hill," shortly after it came out in 1999, I thought it quite boring.  I think I might have even fallen asleep.  I'm not sure what it was - the dialogue, the acting, the fact that it seemed to be about absolutely NOTHING at all - I just couldn't grasp the concept.  I think it's because I had never been in love.

I watch it now (I'm currently watching it on the USA Network) and I fall in love with both Julia and Hugh and their relationship as a whole.  It's the quintessential love story.  Two people who were not "supposed" to be with each other, find themselves thrust into a gravitational pull neither one expected, nor could they explain.  It's just the way he looks at her - he immediately is enamored each and every time she comes into a room.

I have two favorite "moments" within the 124-minute film.  The first is their original moment of lovemaking (did I just use that word? SMH).  After many missed or botched opportunities and extenuating circumstances preventing them from any real possibility of physical intimacy, the time comes and you can just FEEL how much he desires her.  Even moreso, the screen literally seems to pour out every ounce of how much he is enamored with her.  The way he gently caresses and strokes her back appears to show a bit of worship for her skin.  He's already in love with her before he even has an opportunity to realize it.  He takes a pause and glances at her face in the dim light and says, simply, "Wow."  Her smile shows that she is taken aback but slightly uncomfortable because she CLEARLY realizes this is the first time anyone has actually seen her in this way - or even at all, for that matter.  She knows he's honest - he's genuinely seeing *her* for the woman she is, not the successful actress.  The next morning they have an exchange of words:

Anna Scott (Julia): Rita Hayworth used to say, 'They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me.'
William Thacker (Hugh): Who's Gilda?
Anna Scott: Her most famous part.  Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality.  Do you feel that way?
William Thacker: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

He isn't looking for any recognition ... just genuinely expressing his affections for her.  Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You can just about see the puddle she melts into.

My second favorite moment is toward the end of the movie.  After Anna realizes she has been exhibiting a great deal of childish antics - "having behaved so badly" - she apologizes, in her own way.  She brings him a gift from her apartment, an original painting by an artist he likes (she noticed a print of it in his "flat" earlier in the movie).  She's nearly shaking with nervousness and worry.  She doesn't know what he will say and she doesn't know if she's ruined every hope of being with the first person to see her for who she is.  She proceeds to ask him for reconciliation, dancing about the concept as best she can.  Ambivalence and vulnerability can be read all over her face.  Through nervous laughter and timid hand wringing, she opens herself up for every possibility of response.

He considers his options, matching her trepidation with his own fears of doing what's right for himself while attempting to spare her feelings at the same time.  He ultimately says, "I'm a fairly level-headed bloke - not often in and out of love.  But, uh ..." He pauses and states, simply, "Can I just say no to your kind request?" He doesn't want to cause either one any pain but feels compelled to explain, though he doesn't want to.  He touts their vast differences as rationale - he lives "in Notting Hill" and she "in Beverly Hills."  He says, "Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name."

In an attempt to explain that "the fame thing isn't really real," she says (arguably one of the most profound lines of any love story ever told), "I'm also just a girl ... standing in front of a boy ... asking him to love her."

How can you beat that?

It's a story of love in such a way that you feel they are doomed before they begin, yet they are still drawn to each other by that invisible gravitational pull.  There is a magnetism that causes them to continue returning to each other, though the odds are stacked against them.  It's a love we can't understand unless we've been with another in such a way to validate its very existence as even true at all.  It's a love that seems to transcend any and every trouble around you.  It's a love that lends itself to a certain comfort level whereas all your worries/woes/concerns seem to fade away whenever you're near this person.  It's a love where you think about the person all the time - even when they are right there next to you.  It is a love that is, in a word ... true.

So yea ... I used to feel like Notting Hill was boring.  It was a movie that induced eye burning for lack of allowing them to just close.  I don't think I actually saw the whole thing from start to finish for a really long while.  I just felt as if it was not worth watching.  That is, until I found love.  I now find that I must watch it whenever/if ever it should come on.  I'm compelled to watch it.  I fall in love with it each time and realize something new about love every minute.  It doesn't help that it is one of his favorite movies.  I think I just realized the first time I saw the complete movie in one sitting was with him.  **sigh**  Him.

**sigh**

I. Miss. Him.

Giving of oneself (?)

Life throws us many curve balls.

Today my best friend called me crying - I hope she doesn't mind that I'm posting this about her (she'll get over it).  She called me crying because things are not going her way.  She wants for things in her life to take a turn for the better and she feels that she's working hard for these changes, yet she continues to be slapped in the face with continuous let downs.  Let downs are caused by an expectation of others.

Truth is, we would like to be able to count on others, but this is an unrealistic expectation and will tend to cause undoubted turmoil for ourselves.  We will more than likely end up with a feeling of being let down - a feeling of being an ultimate victim.  Before you think I'm going down the road of cynicism, allow me to provide you with my stance on this situation.

I'm a FIRM believer that everything we attempt in life must first come from a wealth of love and affection we first give ourselves.  If you haven't given anything to self, you can't expect to be able to give anything to others.  I feel as though there is a bank within each of us from which we tend to give to others.  Unfortunately, we tend to focus so much on what we can do for others, that we often forget about refilling the bank.  This leaves us with nothing, since we've given it all to others.  Then, because we've given to others, we expect for them to do the same for us.  This is not fair to request of others, yet we still feel them selfish since they took from us but give nothing in return.

The REAL problem with this is that we have given nothing to and left nothing for ourselves.  When the other person gives nothing in return, we finally realize that we haven't a bit of reserve for ourselves and so the "selfishness" of the other person is felt even stronger.  How could they do this to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why doesn't he love me?  Doesn't he realize what I've done for him?  Truth of the matter is that we cannot expect for others to give to us what we should first have given to ourselves.

The moment we realize it is NOT "selfish" to give to self first, but a natural requirement, the better off we will be going forward.  Consider a bank.  Financial institutions are in the business of doling out money.  If the financial institution doesn't first build the reserve, there would be nothing for them to give others, right?  If they were to still give out a loan to whomever asked, the bank would be stretched thin and eventually file bankruptcy, correct?  If you continue to pay bills with money you don't have, you will not be able to take care of the other responsibilities you have, correct?  You will be left with a negative bank account and bigger questions about how you replenish said bank account in order to take care of the things you need (and WANT) to.

Why do we treat our happiness any differently?  We tend to focus a great deal on the things that are going on with others but neglect ourselves.  We work to improve the happiness of our friends, family members, and even some folks we've never even met, yet we forget the importance of our OWN happiness.  Most of us have heard that when you give to others, you get back a great deal.  We've interpreted this to mean that we have to think of others first and this is WRONG!  W-R-O-N-G!  WRONG!  (Before moving forward, I should say that this is IN MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION, of course.  I don't know all the answers)  The interpretation of this SHOULD BE that you give of yourself (WHEN YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO) because (AND ONLY IF) it's what you have within you to give.  People must focus on self FIRST so that there is something AVAILABLE others.

I believe if we treat ourselves as a bank, perhaps we will learn to give out only what we are able.  If you build up your happiness bank, there will be plenty to give.  No one should give their last happiness "dollar" because you, yourself, are then left with none.  I do believe, however, the DESIRE to give to others, even when you haven't a happiness dollar to give, is another way you replenish your own.  God sees this desire within your heart and immediately provides for you the excess you need.  He makes up for what you're lacking so that you may give to others yet STILL HAVE FOR YOURSELF!  However, if you neglect yourself, but still give to others, God needs to show you where it comes from.  This is why we find ourselves down in the dumps - crying and confused.  We've given our last bit of happiness to another and left our bank empty.  Then we continue to give without even considering the source of refilling.  How can we expect to give something to others if we haven't anything to give.  God needs us to know that this is not possible - and so he doesn't replenish it until we figure it out.

Often times, this process leaves us to feel as though everyone is "against" us.  They appear to have taken and taken and taken but given nothing in return and we feel as though they have attacked us personally.  Perhaps those people had something to give and didn't, but perhaps not.  It's possible that, in our own hour of need, the other person just didn't have anything left in their own bank and so we are left to suffer.  Yet we still hold them in contempt when they did not mean any personal affront to us.  We have to get out of our own way.

The moment we realize that we are in control of filling our happiness meter, we can give to self AND to others, THEN - and seemingly ONLY then - will God begin to bless us to the point that our happiness meter overflows.

Where my friend is concerned, I issued her a challenge and I will issue it to you as well.  Throughout the motivation I attempted to give her, I found myself repeating these words: "You are stronger than you think you are! You CAN do this!"  These words continued to fall out of my mouth before I even realized it.  I also realized that they were meant for me as well (how awesome is it to realize that your assistance to others can be used for self, as well).  That being said, I have ALSO accepted the challenge: I've set an HOURLY reminder in my phone.  This reminder repeats those words - "You are stronger than you think you are, VWayne! You CAN do this!"  The challenge is to say this aloud as an hourly affirmation.  The idea is to say it so much that you have no choice but to believe it.  You put it into the world so that God can build upon that seed within your life until it builds a great harvest within you.  We could all benefit from a harvest of abundant happiness.  Won't you join us in the challenge?

We're all enduring things within our lives.  We continue to question why they are happening to us and this is not necessarily a bad thing.  The bad thing happens when you don't allow yourself to be receptive to the answers (or the steps toward the enlightenment that is 'the answer').  When we find that our friends and family members have "let us down," we are actually realizing God's plan for us.  He is continuing to prune us.  We are His flowers and He tends to His garden with great diligence.  When rotten leaves spring about, He carefully removes them so that we are healthy and happy and blossom to our greatest potential.  Don't stunt your growth by focusing on those lost leaves.  They were already dead and could ultimately kill you, if left unattended.  Which is better: to focus on others and ensure they grow to their own predetermined height (blocking the light you need for your OWN growth), or to allow yourself to be pruned, so that you can blossom as much as you can and allow the natural pollination process to then assist in the growth of those others?  As for those tears - they are a good thing also ... every plant needs to be watered, right?

This is how you help yourself AND help others!

Same Love: Equality for One and All

“If a couple of gay guys want to throw the gayest, most fabulous
wedding of all time, the only way it should offend you is if
you weren’t invited.” 
― Orlando Winters, boywritesmiami.com

It is an historic day in America.  Two measures of perhaps the biggest civil rights   debates of our generation are being brought before the highest court in our land. (Of course, "our generation" depicts those of us who were not necessarily around for the Civil Rights Movement of the 50's and 60's)  These are truly the biggest collective fights of our lives, to date.  Prop 8 and DOMA have been highly contested over the more recent years as Americans become more CLOSELY divided on the subject of marriage equality. As the US Supreme Court prepares to hear arguments on these cases, we all wait with bated breath to determine which way history will be made within our world - in which way will the fabric of our nation be changed?

On one hand, arguments will ultimately decide the constitutionality of California's Proposition 8, which banned all same-sex marriages within the state in 2008.  After a ballot measure and state constitutional amendment was passed and approved, the law was changed to say "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."  Certainly this was met with many dissenting opinions from LGBT persons and supporters throughout the state and ultimately the country. This has cycled over the years until ultimately we have been brought to today, when the Supreme Court will ultimately be put into a position

where a decision must be made on whether or not that amendment was/is constitutional within the confines of our legal system.  This is expected to be a close vote between the justices where a swing vote will ultimately be required for a narrow ruling.

The second measure, to be considered tomorrow, is that of DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.  The high- (or low-) lights of this federal law include a definition that marriage is legal union of a man and a woman for federal and inter-state recognition purposes in the United States.  It also states legally married couples of the same sex don't have the same eligibility for tax, pension and some other items as heterosexual counterparts.  Similar to Prop 8, DOMA supporters continue defending a law that others find discriminatory and unconstitutional - this case dealing more with equal protection under the law moreso than equal rights of marriage.  The decision to be handed down from the US Supreme Court is in response to a case from an 80+ year old New York woman who sued the federal government after she was forced to pay estate taxes to the tune of more than $360k.  The two women were married in Canada in 2007 after being together for about 40 years.  DOMA didn't recognize their union as legal, despite their traveling to Canada being a legal ceremony (Canadian provinces started recognizing same-sex marriage as legal in 2003 and ultimately mid-2005 throughout the country).

Regardless of the side on which you fall for this (these) issue(s), we cannot deny the monumental impact this will have on the world we, as Americans, live in and hold so dear.  I'm always shocked when African Americans tend to deny these to be issues of civil rights.  It seems there is some murky line of distinction between the Gay Rights Initiative and the Civil Rights Movement of the 60's.  It is as if the two didn't hold the same fundamental truths of equal protection under the law and overall equality for all men (and women) within our country.  Do they not ask the same things?  Is the LGBT community not merely a subset of the overall conglomerate of Americans who do/did not reap the same benefits outlined as requirements for all Americans?  Clearly I understand the hesitation and possible reasons for otherwise pensive thought processes with regard to this (that's a completely different topic all together), however right is right and wrong is wrong.

===================================================================

Recently, I discovered a song by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis from their Album The Heist (released October 9, 2012) entitled "Same Love."  When I first heard this song, I was so astonished that I had not heard about it before. It speaks to many fundamental truths that I couldn't believe anyone - let alone a heterosexual man! - would step up to say these things.  I'm not going to review it, but I do want you to hear the song. I've also just discovered there is a video for it.  Being the sap I am, of course I shed two or three - or seven or nine - tears while watching it.  There are many immediate similarities one could draw to their own lives - myself included.

All in all, these situations are dealing with HUMAN rights - not just civil rights. Perhaps this term sits better on the tongues of the African Americans who deny the similarities or blatant absolution.  The fight seems to be more about ensuring we all receive the same opportunities, rights, perks, benefits, consequences and anything else warranted for being an American under the laws of our great nations.  It's not SIMPLY about being able to marry who you want - but more about receiving what I should be entitled as an American citizen.

"A certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all, but it's a damn good place to start!"

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FLASHBACK POST: Trust a Try

I'm always quite in awe of the vulnerability I put forth into my writing. I'm also surprised that I worry so much about what I've written or HOW I have written it (I'm an editor to a fault), that I tend to not even post it until it's just right. I submit to you - with hopes of great conversation, a post written on July 10, 2009. I was still in the mere beginnings (9 months in) of my relationship and begin this post speaking about my, then, boyfriend (who later became my fiancee). Now, obviously (to some), we are no longer together (another post coming soon, I'm sure), so understand where this was at that point. Again, this is a PREVIOUSLY UNPUBLISHED post that I'm deciding to post now. Perhaps I'll eventually do a lot of these "FLASHBACK" posts (yes, I have a lot of "unpublished" brain farts. Nonetheless, here's the post:

There are a lot of thoughts going through my head right now and so I'm sure this post will go off on a few tangents, but I will try to keep it reigned in - you've seen my previous posts, they can go pretty far. *look at that, even the first sentence is a run-on - LoL*

So Hifey *I still have to give you a post all about my boyfriend - anyway he* and I were talking *day after day we find more ways to talk about any and everything and are getting much better at this whole communication thing.* Anyway we were talking about a myriad of things involving relationships - but we settled more on a conversation of trust. Basically the conversation went along the lines of how so many people have expressed to us (throughout our almost 9-month relationship) that they feel he and I are the ideal when it comes to a relationship. They feel we exemplify that ultimate, that relationship epitome, and we always ask why they think so. I think we both shy away from this sort of conversation because it puts some sort of stigma on us, some sort of lofty expectation that we don't want to have to live up to. Thank goodness we are both humble enough to take the compliment, give thanks for the intent, and work from it. But with this discussion topic, we often - afterwards - have a discussion asking ourselves why others feel we exemplify this unattainable amalgamation that is, simply, our relationship?

We tend to go on for quite some time trying to come up with reasons why others think we are in such a coveted position but the truth of the matter is that we don't put so much heady weight on it. We know that we are in a relationship and we will do whatever is necessary in order to ensure the union reaches its ultimate level. If that level is never to come, we know that it will likely be because we continued to raise the bar for ourselves. I suppose our mode of thinking is just that we know that despite whatever goes on in our relationship, we will always attempt to make it work - to put in the effort in order to sustain. I have found that most people - when it comes to relationships - list a lot of things that they want *or do not want* when it comes to a mate and where their relationship will go. Yet a lot of them - and dare I say MOST - fall short when it comes to actually putting in the work necessary to at least TRY accomplishing this goal. Now this can probably go into other facets of life as well, but that's another topic, lack of trying is probably the ultimate when it comes to reasons people end relationships - especially those of a homosexual nature.

Now for some honest questions and a hope for some honest answers, as well. How many of you actually COMMIT to the things you want in a mate? When/If your mate should fall short, how quickly do you GIVE UP, solely based on the fact that they aren't exactly what you want? These questions are necessary to ask because I've noticed many questions over the years where people ask "Why am I single?" I guess the question to be asked should go along the lines of whether or not you are asking for too much? Are you exemplifying everything you would want in a mate? Would you want someone to accept you based on exactly what you are? Do you expect more from others than you expect from yourself? I guess I'd rather ask how much of what you REALLY want is what you really need? Why not attempt to make it work as opposed to thwarting all possibility of happiness with this person only because they don't fit into every assorted ring of fire you've aligned for them to navigate? Why not just TRY?