My First Time

It had been raining for, pretty much, the whole day.  Interestingly though, it didn't seem to be gloomy and depressing but more like those little drops of liquid sunshine we'd been told so much about as children.  It seemed to truly be about renewal and re-purposed use of the space.  Why think negatively about it, right?

Truth be told, it was the start of a new experience for me. I was embarking on new experiences - as I have been on a daily here in New York.  The rain merely mirrored my thoughts on the day and all the happenings within my life since my arrival here - it had been a continuous refreshing of my mind and spirit so that I could be better prepared to live in each moment.

As I left the restaurant, the rain had not subsided.  As I strolled down the Brooklyn streets, I found myself singing in the rain (in my mind, that is).  I called my parents to tell them of my day.  I was sure I'd be on the phone with my mom for a little while, so I stopped in the doorway of a closed store to shield myself from the rain.  I was dressed rather business casual (but with VWayne appeal) but nothing too flashy.  I was knee-deep in a discussion on the virtues of maintaining a positive attitude in life when he approached me.

He was an attractive older Caucasian (is that a PC term anymore?) gentlemen - perhaps late 30s to mid 40s.  He wore khaki slacks, the long sleeves of his plaid shirt were rolled up, a gray sweater tied around his waist, dark brown shoes, and a seemingly matching dark brown messenger bag across his chest.

He seemed to walk toward me as if he knew me - quickly down the street, then slowing when he was about 5 feet or so away.  I wasn't standing very far from the subway, so I assumed he was making his way into the station.  I didn't pay much attention but still noticed his movements - being cognizant of my surroundings is, after all, my favorite pastime.

He made eye contact and smiled.  Of course, I've been taught to be cordial so I flashed him a polite smile and continued my conversation. (these pleasantries may stop going forward)  A couple moments passed and I realized he was still hovering within that same 3-5 foot radius around the door I was in. He smiled again.  A curious smile appeared on my face.

What he did next freaked me out a bit and opened my eyes to a phenomenon women talk about all the time.  On his 3rd or 4th trip past me, I watched him remove a gold band from his fourth finger, left hand before placing it into his brown messenger bag.  I did my best to disguise my disgust - both on my face and in my voice while I was speaking with my mother.  The sheer fact that he continued to slowly circle me as if I were chum in the sea and he was some sort of great white shark bothered me already.  Add to this that he basically tied a bib around his neck before going in for his meal, well ... yea.

I ended the conversation with my mother "good night, I love you.  Kiss my dad."  I could tell he assuredly saw this as his opportunity.  He turned toward me with a smile (significantly wider than those prior) and raised eyebrows.  I figured the thoughts in his mind had something to do with the bulge he then sported within his khakis and how he might use me to assist him with this.  I can't imagine the level of disappointment he must have felt as I walked right past him without acknowledgment.  As I descended into the subway, I assume there was a great deal of deflation in his ego, not to mention his pants. Sucks to be him.

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I survived my first cruising experience in New York.  While it may not have had the happy ending most might expect from such an encounter, it was still worth going through at all.

'Notting Hill' or 'Love Found In The Movies'

There's something about Julia.  Hugh is beautifully dynamic.

Maybe it's the rain but, I'm quite introspective today.  Before posting any of my blogs, I tend to re-read them to try and ensure my initial point comes through.  While I read this, I realized my point came across, but it isn't what was originally intended.  Either way ...

I must admit, when I first saw the movie "Notting Hill," shortly after it came out in 1999, I thought it quite boring.  I think I might have even fallen asleep.  I'm not sure what it was - the dialogue, the acting, the fact that it seemed to be about absolutely NOTHING at all - I just couldn't grasp the concept.  I think it's because I had never been in love.

I watch it now (I'm currently watching it on the USA Network) and I fall in love with both Julia and Hugh and their relationship as a whole.  It's the quintessential love story.  Two people who were not "supposed" to be with each other, find themselves thrust into a gravitational pull neither one expected, nor could they explain.  It's just the way he looks at her - he immediately is enamored each and every time she comes into a room.

I have two favorite "moments" within the 124-minute film.  The first is their original moment of lovemaking (did I just use that word? SMH).  After many missed or botched opportunities and extenuating circumstances preventing them from any real possibility of physical intimacy, the time comes and you can just FEEL how much he desires her.  Even moreso, the screen literally seems to pour out every ounce of how much he is enamored with her.  The way he gently caresses and strokes her back appears to show a bit of worship for her skin.  He's already in love with her before he even has an opportunity to realize it.  He takes a pause and glances at her face in the dim light and says, simply, "Wow."  Her smile shows that she is taken aback but slightly uncomfortable because she CLEARLY realizes this is the first time anyone has actually seen her in this way - or even at all, for that matter.  She knows he's honest - he's genuinely seeing *her* for the woman she is, not the successful actress.  The next morning they have an exchange of words:

Anna Scott (Julia): Rita Hayworth used to say, 'They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me.'
William Thacker (Hugh): Who's Gilda?
Anna Scott: Her most famous part.  Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality.  Do you feel that way?
William Thacker: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

He isn't looking for any recognition ... just genuinely expressing his affections for her.  Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You can just about see the puddle she melts into.

My second favorite moment is toward the end of the movie.  After Anna realizes she has been exhibiting a great deal of childish antics - "having behaved so badly" - she apologizes, in her own way.  She brings him a gift from her apartment, an original painting by an artist he likes (she noticed a print of it in his "flat" earlier in the movie).  She's nearly shaking with nervousness and worry.  She doesn't know what he will say and she doesn't know if she's ruined every hope of being with the first person to see her for who she is.  She proceeds to ask him for reconciliation, dancing about the concept as best she can.  Ambivalence and vulnerability can be read all over her face.  Through nervous laughter and timid hand wringing, she opens herself up for every possibility of response.

He considers his options, matching her trepidation with his own fears of doing what's right for himself while attempting to spare her feelings at the same time.  He ultimately says, "I'm a fairly level-headed bloke - not often in and out of love.  But, uh ..." He pauses and states, simply, "Can I just say no to your kind request?" He doesn't want to cause either one any pain but feels compelled to explain, though he doesn't want to.  He touts their vast differences as rationale - he lives "in Notting Hill" and she "in Beverly Hills."  He says, "Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name."

In an attempt to explain that "the fame thing isn't really real," she says (arguably one of the most profound lines of any love story ever told), "I'm also just a girl ... standing in front of a boy ... asking him to love her."

How can you beat that?

It's a story of love in such a way that you feel they are doomed before they begin, yet they are still drawn to each other by that invisible gravitational pull.  There is a magnetism that causes them to continue returning to each other, though the odds are stacked against them.  It's a love we can't understand unless we've been with another in such a way to validate its very existence as even true at all.  It's a love that seems to transcend any and every trouble around you.  It's a love that lends itself to a certain comfort level whereas all your worries/woes/concerns seem to fade away whenever you're near this person.  It's a love where you think about the person all the time - even when they are right there next to you.  It is a love that is, in a word ... true.

So yea ... I used to feel like Notting Hill was boring.  It was a movie that induced eye burning for lack of allowing them to just close.  I don't think I actually saw the whole thing from start to finish for a really long while.  I just felt as if it was not worth watching.  That is, until I found love.  I now find that I must watch it whenever/if ever it should come on.  I'm compelled to watch it.  I fall in love with it each time and realize something new about love every minute.  It doesn't help that it is one of his favorite movies.  I think I just realized the first time I saw the complete movie in one sitting was with him.  **sigh**  Him.

**sigh**

I. Miss. Him.

Giving of oneself (?)

Life throws us many curve balls.

Today my best friend called me crying - I hope she doesn't mind that I'm posting this about her (she'll get over it).  She called me crying because things are not going her way.  She wants for things in her life to take a turn for the better and she feels that she's working hard for these changes, yet she continues to be slapped in the face with continuous let downs.  Let downs are caused by an expectation of others.

Truth is, we would like to be able to count on others, but this is an unrealistic expectation and will tend to cause undoubted turmoil for ourselves.  We will more than likely end up with a feeling of being let down - a feeling of being an ultimate victim.  Before you think I'm going down the road of cynicism, allow me to provide you with my stance on this situation.

I'm a FIRM believer that everything we attempt in life must first come from a wealth of love and affection we first give ourselves.  If you haven't given anything to self, you can't expect to be able to give anything to others.  I feel as though there is a bank within each of us from which we tend to give to others.  Unfortunately, we tend to focus so much on what we can do for others, that we often forget about refilling the bank.  This leaves us with nothing, since we've given it all to others.  Then, because we've given to others, we expect for them to do the same for us.  This is not fair to request of others, yet we still feel them selfish since they took from us but give nothing in return.

The REAL problem with this is that we have given nothing to and left nothing for ourselves.  When the other person gives nothing in return, we finally realize that we haven't a bit of reserve for ourselves and so the "selfishness" of the other person is felt even stronger.  How could they do this to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why doesn't he love me?  Doesn't he realize what I've done for him?  Truth of the matter is that we cannot expect for others to give to us what we should first have given to ourselves.

The moment we realize it is NOT "selfish" to give to self first, but a natural requirement, the better off we will be going forward.  Consider a bank.  Financial institutions are in the business of doling out money.  If the financial institution doesn't first build the reserve, there would be nothing for them to give others, right?  If they were to still give out a loan to whomever asked, the bank would be stretched thin and eventually file bankruptcy, correct?  If you continue to pay bills with money you don't have, you will not be able to take care of the other responsibilities you have, correct?  You will be left with a negative bank account and bigger questions about how you replenish said bank account in order to take care of the things you need (and WANT) to.

Why do we treat our happiness any differently?  We tend to focus a great deal on the things that are going on with others but neglect ourselves.  We work to improve the happiness of our friends, family members, and even some folks we've never even met, yet we forget the importance of our OWN happiness.  Most of us have heard that when you give to others, you get back a great deal.  We've interpreted this to mean that we have to think of others first and this is WRONG!  W-R-O-N-G!  WRONG!  (Before moving forward, I should say that this is IN MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION, of course.  I don't know all the answers)  The interpretation of this SHOULD BE that you give of yourself (WHEN YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO) because (AND ONLY IF) it's what you have within you to give.  People must focus on self FIRST so that there is something AVAILABLE others.

I believe if we treat ourselves as a bank, perhaps we will learn to give out only what we are able.  If you build up your happiness bank, there will be plenty to give.  No one should give their last happiness "dollar" because you, yourself, are then left with none.  I do believe, however, the DESIRE to give to others, even when you haven't a happiness dollar to give, is another way you replenish your own.  God sees this desire within your heart and immediately provides for you the excess you need.  He makes up for what you're lacking so that you may give to others yet STILL HAVE FOR YOURSELF!  However, if you neglect yourself, but still give to others, God needs to show you where it comes from.  This is why we find ourselves down in the dumps - crying and confused.  We've given our last bit of happiness to another and left our bank empty.  Then we continue to give without even considering the source of refilling.  How can we expect to give something to others if we haven't anything to give.  God needs us to know that this is not possible - and so he doesn't replenish it until we figure it out.

Often times, this process leaves us to feel as though everyone is "against" us.  They appear to have taken and taken and taken but given nothing in return and we feel as though they have attacked us personally.  Perhaps those people had something to give and didn't, but perhaps not.  It's possible that, in our own hour of need, the other person just didn't have anything left in their own bank and so we are left to suffer.  Yet we still hold them in contempt when they did not mean any personal affront to us.  We have to get out of our own way.

The moment we realize that we are in control of filling our happiness meter, we can give to self AND to others, THEN - and seemingly ONLY then - will God begin to bless us to the point that our happiness meter overflows.

Where my friend is concerned, I issued her a challenge and I will issue it to you as well.  Throughout the motivation I attempted to give her, I found myself repeating these words: "You are stronger than you think you are! You CAN do this!"  These words continued to fall out of my mouth before I even realized it.  I also realized that they were meant for me as well (how awesome is it to realize that your assistance to others can be used for self, as well).  That being said, I have ALSO accepted the challenge: I've set an HOURLY reminder in my phone.  This reminder repeats those words - "You are stronger than you think you are, VWayne! You CAN do this!"  The challenge is to say this aloud as an hourly affirmation.  The idea is to say it so much that you have no choice but to believe it.  You put it into the world so that God can build upon that seed within your life until it builds a great harvest within you.  We could all benefit from a harvest of abundant happiness.  Won't you join us in the challenge?

We're all enduring things within our lives.  We continue to question why they are happening to us and this is not necessarily a bad thing.  The bad thing happens when you don't allow yourself to be receptive to the answers (or the steps toward the enlightenment that is 'the answer').  When we find that our friends and family members have "let us down," we are actually realizing God's plan for us.  He is continuing to prune us.  We are His flowers and He tends to His garden with great diligence.  When rotten leaves spring about, He carefully removes them so that we are healthy and happy and blossom to our greatest potential.  Don't stunt your growth by focusing on those lost leaves.  They were already dead and could ultimately kill you, if left unattended.  Which is better: to focus on others and ensure they grow to their own predetermined height (blocking the light you need for your OWN growth), or to allow yourself to be pruned, so that you can blossom as much as you can and allow the natural pollination process to then assist in the growth of those others?  As for those tears - they are a good thing also ... every plant needs to be watered, right?

This is how you help yourself AND help others!

I want to write ...

...but don't know what about.

I know I go through this all the time and that's what causes these huge delays and what not, but I get writer's block and I'm trying to talk about myself. UGH!

Someone give me something to write about!

30 Days Til 30: Day 30 (or "New Beginnings")

Well, well, well ...

It's been a FULL YEAR since I've spoken with you all. Wow! How fickle am I that I continue to come back saying "expect a change" or "I'm back" or ... well, anything to express my new beginnings and renewed fervor to write. How could I expect you to continue returning if you don't have anything to read consistently. Well ... I'M BACK!

... but this time I have more realistic expectations.

I'm not going to write for you, but for myself. This time I will write as often as I'm able, and allow you a glimpse into my journey. This brings me to my new plan ...

In 30 days, I will be turning 30 years old. Culminating the completion of 30 years of life after expulsion from my mother's womb. Now, I know this is news to most of you, because you've only known me as 25 years old, but I only have 29 more days to be 25. So in 30 days, I will no longer be 25 but I'll be 30. That's 10,958 days. 262,992 hours. 15,779,520 minutes, 946,771,200 seconds.

In addition to this revelation, I will reveal a new secret/fact/piece of me.

Of course, today's: I'm turning 30! =)

Well yes, that's an easy one, but if you continue coming back, perhaps they will get deeper each day.