Have you ever wanted (SO BADLY) to just HATE someone - someone who didn't even do anything directly to you?  Have you ever wanted to just HATE someone who hurt one of your loved ones (friend, sister, brother, mother, etc?) just so your loved one wouldn't have to?  Your loved one has such a huge bleeding heart that they continue to try and see the potential good within this person regardless of the NUMEROUS times his/her own sacrifice made him/her vulnerable or susceptible to further peril?  This person just continues to hurt and harm your loved one over and over again - each time increasing the severity of the pain?  This goes on until the ULTIMATE pain ensues and your loved one is left with less than a mere PORTION of their former selves to help cope with the pain.  Have you ever wanted to hate a person because you feel like their blatant disregard for someone - especially someone who CONTINUALLY gives to them in one way or another - has put them in a position where they "DESERVE" to be hated?  You don't want it to be your loved one because you don't want this sort of karma on them - they don't need that extra burden ... nothing more.  SOMEONE has to do it, right?  Perhaps you should just go ahead and lay on that sword to absorb the extra pain your loved one should NOT have to endure.  You should just eat that for them.

Have you ever wanted to just HATE someone who didn't do anything directly to you?

'Notting Hill' or 'Love Found In The Movies'

There's something about Julia.  Hugh is beautifully dynamic.

Maybe it's the rain but, I'm quite introspective today.  Before posting any of my blogs, I tend to re-read them to try and ensure my initial point comes through.  While I read this, I realized my point came across, but it isn't what was originally intended.  Either way ...

I must admit, when I first saw the movie "Notting Hill," shortly after it came out in 1999, I thought it quite boring.  I think I might have even fallen asleep.  I'm not sure what it was - the dialogue, the acting, the fact that it seemed to be about absolutely NOTHING at all - I just couldn't grasp the concept.  I think it's because I had never been in love.

I watch it now (I'm currently watching it on the USA Network) and I fall in love with both Julia and Hugh and their relationship as a whole.  It's the quintessential love story.  Two people who were not "supposed" to be with each other, find themselves thrust into a gravitational pull neither one expected, nor could they explain.  It's just the way he looks at her - he immediately is enamored each and every time she comes into a room.

I have two favorite "moments" within the 124-minute film.  The first is their original moment of lovemaking (did I just use that word? SMH).  After many missed or botched opportunities and extenuating circumstances preventing them from any real possibility of physical intimacy, the time comes and you can just FEEL how much he desires her.  Even moreso, the screen literally seems to pour out every ounce of how much he is enamored with her.  The way he gently caresses and strokes her back appears to show a bit of worship for her skin.  He's already in love with her before he even has an opportunity to realize it.  He takes a pause and glances at her face in the dim light and says, simply, "Wow."  Her smile shows that she is taken aback but slightly uncomfortable because she CLEARLY realizes this is the first time anyone has actually seen her in this way - or even at all, for that matter.  She knows he's honest - he's genuinely seeing *her* for the woman she is, not the successful actress.  The next morning they have an exchange of words:

Anna Scott (Julia): Rita Hayworth used to say, 'They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me.'
William Thacker (Hugh): Who's Gilda?
Anna Scott: Her most famous part.  Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality.  Do you feel that way?
William Thacker: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

He isn't looking for any recognition ... just genuinely expressing his affections for her.  Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You can just about see the puddle she melts into.

My second favorite moment is toward the end of the movie.  After Anna realizes she has been exhibiting a great deal of childish antics - "having behaved so badly" - she apologizes, in her own way.  She brings him a gift from her apartment, an original painting by an artist he likes (she noticed a print of it in his "flat" earlier in the movie).  She's nearly shaking with nervousness and worry.  She doesn't know what he will say and she doesn't know if she's ruined every hope of being with the first person to see her for who she is.  She proceeds to ask him for reconciliation, dancing about the concept as best she can.  Ambivalence and vulnerability can be read all over her face.  Through nervous laughter and timid hand wringing, she opens herself up for every possibility of response.

He considers his options, matching her trepidation with his own fears of doing what's right for himself while attempting to spare her feelings at the same time.  He ultimately says, "I'm a fairly level-headed bloke - not often in and out of love.  But, uh ..." He pauses and states, simply, "Can I just say no to your kind request?" He doesn't want to cause either one any pain but feels compelled to explain, though he doesn't want to.  He touts their vast differences as rationale - he lives "in Notting Hill" and she "in Beverly Hills."  He says, "Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name."

In an attempt to explain that "the fame thing isn't really real," she says (arguably one of the most profound lines of any love story ever told), "I'm also just a girl ... standing in front of a boy ... asking him to love her."

How can you beat that?

It's a story of love in such a way that you feel they are doomed before they begin, yet they are still drawn to each other by that invisible gravitational pull.  There is a magnetism that causes them to continue returning to each other, though the odds are stacked against them.  It's a love we can't understand unless we've been with another in such a way to validate its very existence as even true at all.  It's a love that seems to transcend any and every trouble around you.  It's a love that lends itself to a certain comfort level whereas all your worries/woes/concerns seem to fade away whenever you're near this person.  It's a love where you think about the person all the time - even when they are right there next to you.  It is a love that is, in a word ... true.

So yea ... I used to feel like Notting Hill was boring.  It was a movie that induced eye burning for lack of allowing them to just close.  I don't think I actually saw the whole thing from start to finish for a really long while.  I just felt as if it was not worth watching.  That is, until I found love.  I now find that I must watch it whenever/if ever it should come on.  I'm compelled to watch it.  I fall in love with it each time and realize something new about love every minute.  It doesn't help that it is one of his favorite movies.  I think I just realized the first time I saw the complete movie in one sitting was with him.  **sigh**  Him.

**sigh**

I. Miss. Him.

Undetectable: The New Condom(?)

I do hope that everyone understands I don't currently have an agenda to become an HIV advocate.  I just want it to be known that my reasons for "coming out" with my positive status last month had nothing to do with any sort of political platform or trying to build a career in advocacy. I merely needed to do it for myself and I am now absorbing the things that have come across my oath since divulging that information.  With that being said, today I posted in a forum on a popular gay social networking site.  Let's just say certain chats with guys on sites such as this one lead to my venting and questioning.  As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment below.

FYI - Undetectable, as defined by Dr Frascino via thebody.com is "the HIV plasma viral load is below the lower limit of detection for the particular test assay that is being used. Early viral load tests could only test down to 10,000 copies. Newer tests were able to test down to 500 copies of the virus per milliliter of plasma. The even newer ultrasensitive viral load assays can test all the way down to 25 or 50 copies/ml. We now have ultra-ultrasensitive assays available in some research laboratories that can test down to a single copy per ml! However, even in HIV-positive patients with HIV plasma viral loads below 1 copy/ml, this does not mean they have zero virus in their body. HIV still exists inside cells in the blood, lymph nodes and other body compartments."

I'm not certain how many of you have noticed this trend but I am curious the thoughts of others because I often feel like I'm on my own when it comes to this.  Have we evolved into the thought process that sexing someone who is HIV+ but "undetectable" provides us the same "risk-free" behavior as if we were with someone HIV-?

Let me start this by saying, after 5years of being "poz," I have learned to live with it and now allow myself the freedom of posting it freely on sites as if it were my eye color.  Let me also mention that I have divulged my status to my sexual partners before now but recently decided that I needn't be closeted about my status to anyone.  No, everyone doesn't need to know, but I have found that even using "everyone doesn't need to know my business" was as an excuse to be hidden about it.  The more I hid it, the more I seemed to feel there was something wrong with me and that just wasn't the case.

Sorry about that - it wasn't my intention to talk so much about myself, but I guess it was necessary.  Recently, when divulging my status to those who ask (or it seems like we might go further than idle online chit chat), I've found that the response is favorable (at first).  Guys say "thanks for being honest" or "I don't judge people based on their past" or something along those lines.  But then it changes.  The very next question tends to be "are you undetectable?"  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm aware that some guys are wanting to verify that you are taking care of yourself so as to ensure they aren't increasing their risk on multiple levels.  Te problem, however, is that I find many of these guys have a follow up question of "do you bareback?" 

**insert shocked face here**

Please don't get me wrong, it is not my intention to publicly condemn or judge.  I'm curious and I am concerned.  Have we gotten to the point of adaptation to the virus and are really thinking a cure is coming so soon that we have decided to disregard our only saving grace, save abstinence?  When did we (as a community) decide roulette was the game du jour?  Did I miss something?  For 4 of my 5 years, I had been in a committed relationship and so I don't know when this shift happened? 

I recall the evolutionary stage where it was decided (after all the information stating "it's no longer a death sentence"] that medication made it easier to live longer, healthier, happier lives.  But the community then adapted and said, "if I catch it, I can get on meds, so it isn't a big deal."  Now, obviously this wasn't the thought process of the community at large, but I'm sure we all know (of) someone who seemed to have blatant disregard because of this.

My only concern is that we have now evolved into even riskier behavior and I'm afraid of this current trajectory.  A couple of months ago, I posted on my blog that I fear a cure to the point of saying I hope we don't have one any time soon.  I feel like the more we get to a point of feeling any more as if we can live risk free, we will have disregard for our own health and the health of others.  One could pontificate on many reasons for this but it boils down to (de)evolution. Guys have gotten to a point of always looking for creative ways of doing what they want without regard for themselves or others.

Obviously I didn't really mean I don't want a cure.  Despite my new "out of the closet" mindset, I don't *WANT* HIV.  I would gladly give it up.  My fears are still the same, though - dudes have become ridiculously oblivious to the risks because they feel like there is still a remedy.  I'm a human (a human MALE) so clearly I can enjoy sex like all the rest.  I'm also aware of the "increased" physical pleasures of sex sans a condom.  I just feel there is a greater social responsibility being shirked.  It appears dudes have this feeling of invincibility or just merely a lack of real and tangible consequences to their actions, so why bother?  Isn't that what it is?  Am I the only one who is noticing this?  Am I the only one concerned? Hmmmm has being "undetectable" been translated to render condoms obsolete?

For many, you are getting a glance into a world you only partially understand.  In many cases, I do feel like the oblivious or naive attitude many heterosexuals have toward the inner workings within the gay community tend to feed into these behaviors.  This tends to stem from the healthcare policies created to quell the known aspects but not treating the causes.  As a society, the population at large speaks for all these minorities but there isn't enough representation to inform those who would choose to remain oblivious.  For this, both sides hold some blame.

As always, I would be remiss if I didn't state:

Make it common practice to get tested! There are better odds when you know than when you don't!

~VWayne

KiK: V.Wayne
Twitter: @VeeWayne
Instagram: @VeeWayne
Facebook: /ITS.THE.GEM.IN.I

Giving of oneself (?)

Life throws us many curve balls.

Today my best friend called me crying - I hope she doesn't mind that I'm posting this about her (she'll get over it).  She called me crying because things are not going her way.  She wants for things in her life to take a turn for the better and she feels that she's working hard for these changes, yet she continues to be slapped in the face with continuous let downs.  Let downs are caused by an expectation of others.

Truth is, we would like to be able to count on others, but this is an unrealistic expectation and will tend to cause undoubted turmoil for ourselves.  We will more than likely end up with a feeling of being let down - a feeling of being an ultimate victim.  Before you think I'm going down the road of cynicism, allow me to provide you with my stance on this situation.

I'm a FIRM believer that everything we attempt in life must first come from a wealth of love and affection we first give ourselves.  If you haven't given anything to self, you can't expect to be able to give anything to others.  I feel as though there is a bank within each of us from which we tend to give to others.  Unfortunately, we tend to focus so much on what we can do for others, that we often forget about refilling the bank.  This leaves us with nothing, since we've given it all to others.  Then, because we've given to others, we expect for them to do the same for us.  This is not fair to request of others, yet we still feel them selfish since they took from us but give nothing in return.

The REAL problem with this is that we have given nothing to and left nothing for ourselves.  When the other person gives nothing in return, we finally realize that we haven't a bit of reserve for ourselves and so the "selfishness" of the other person is felt even stronger.  How could they do this to me?  What did I do to deserve this?  Why doesn't he love me?  Doesn't he realize what I've done for him?  Truth of the matter is that we cannot expect for others to give to us what we should first have given to ourselves.

The moment we realize it is NOT "selfish" to give to self first, but a natural requirement, the better off we will be going forward.  Consider a bank.  Financial institutions are in the business of doling out money.  If the financial institution doesn't first build the reserve, there would be nothing for them to give others, right?  If they were to still give out a loan to whomever asked, the bank would be stretched thin and eventually file bankruptcy, correct?  If you continue to pay bills with money you don't have, you will not be able to take care of the other responsibilities you have, correct?  You will be left with a negative bank account and bigger questions about how you replenish said bank account in order to take care of the things you need (and WANT) to.

Why do we treat our happiness any differently?  We tend to focus a great deal on the things that are going on with others but neglect ourselves.  We work to improve the happiness of our friends, family members, and even some folks we've never even met, yet we forget the importance of our OWN happiness.  Most of us have heard that when you give to others, you get back a great deal.  We've interpreted this to mean that we have to think of others first and this is WRONG!  W-R-O-N-G!  WRONG!  (Before moving forward, I should say that this is IN MY OWN PERSONAL OPINION, of course.  I don't know all the answers)  The interpretation of this SHOULD BE that you give of yourself (WHEN YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO) because (AND ONLY IF) it's what you have within you to give.  People must focus on self FIRST so that there is something AVAILABLE others.

I believe if we treat ourselves as a bank, perhaps we will learn to give out only what we are able.  If you build up your happiness bank, there will be plenty to give.  No one should give their last happiness "dollar" because you, yourself, are then left with none.  I do believe, however, the DESIRE to give to others, even when you haven't a happiness dollar to give, is another way you replenish your own.  God sees this desire within your heart and immediately provides for you the excess you need.  He makes up for what you're lacking so that you may give to others yet STILL HAVE FOR YOURSELF!  However, if you neglect yourself, but still give to others, God needs to show you where it comes from.  This is why we find ourselves down in the dumps - crying and confused.  We've given our last bit of happiness to another and left our bank empty.  Then we continue to give without even considering the source of refilling.  How can we expect to give something to others if we haven't anything to give.  God needs us to know that this is not possible - and so he doesn't replenish it until we figure it out.

Often times, this process leaves us to feel as though everyone is "against" us.  They appear to have taken and taken and taken but given nothing in return and we feel as though they have attacked us personally.  Perhaps those people had something to give and didn't, but perhaps not.  It's possible that, in our own hour of need, the other person just didn't have anything left in their own bank and so we are left to suffer.  Yet we still hold them in contempt when they did not mean any personal affront to us.  We have to get out of our own way.

The moment we realize that we are in control of filling our happiness meter, we can give to self AND to others, THEN - and seemingly ONLY then - will God begin to bless us to the point that our happiness meter overflows.

Where my friend is concerned, I issued her a challenge and I will issue it to you as well.  Throughout the motivation I attempted to give her, I found myself repeating these words: "You are stronger than you think you are! You CAN do this!"  These words continued to fall out of my mouth before I even realized it.  I also realized that they were meant for me as well (how awesome is it to realize that your assistance to others can be used for self, as well).  That being said, I have ALSO accepted the challenge: I've set an HOURLY reminder in my phone.  This reminder repeats those words - "You are stronger than you think you are, VWayne! You CAN do this!"  The challenge is to say this aloud as an hourly affirmation.  The idea is to say it so much that you have no choice but to believe it.  You put it into the world so that God can build upon that seed within your life until it builds a great harvest within you.  We could all benefit from a harvest of abundant happiness.  Won't you join us in the challenge?

We're all enduring things within our lives.  We continue to question why they are happening to us and this is not necessarily a bad thing.  The bad thing happens when you don't allow yourself to be receptive to the answers (or the steps toward the enlightenment that is 'the answer').  When we find that our friends and family members have "let us down," we are actually realizing God's plan for us.  He is continuing to prune us.  We are His flowers and He tends to His garden with great diligence.  When rotten leaves spring about, He carefully removes them so that we are healthy and happy and blossom to our greatest potential.  Don't stunt your growth by focusing on those lost leaves.  They were already dead and could ultimately kill you, if left unattended.  Which is better: to focus on others and ensure they grow to their own predetermined height (blocking the light you need for your OWN growth), or to allow yourself to be pruned, so that you can blossom as much as you can and allow the natural pollination process to then assist in the growth of those others?  As for those tears - they are a good thing also ... every plant needs to be watered, right?

This is how you help yourself AND help others!

Faith & Success

I often wonder about people.

Many of you may (or may not) know that I count myself as an amateur psychologist. Clearly, I haven't any official training or certifications for such a profession. For that reason, I don't PRACTICE psychology. I do, however, still find myself making small (and large) psychological observations. I watch people in many ways - on the train, walking down the street, riding the bus, talking to their children, complaining about their lives, etc.

The positivity challenge my friend Kia issued to me recently will be a continuous challenge for me. I love what it did for me during that month. I believe, however, that the moment I knew the challenge had been completed, I allowed myself to backslide and I, once again and without trying, embraced the concept of negativity. I'm working on "pivoting my thoughts" so as to allow only positivity into my life. I challenge you to join me.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

So ... clearly I wonder about me, but I started this post by saying I wonder about people.

Now, I don't mean that I wonder about people in the sense that I worry about them so much.  I do worry, but that's not the focus of this post.  I often wonder about people and the things for which they ask.  Many people tend to discuss all the things they desire, yet the actions tend to be lacking in order to accomplish said desires.  Let's - for the sake of specificity - use the idea of financial hardship.

In the wake of our generation's biggest economic catastrophe, most all of us have felt the noose tighten around our necks (and wallets).  While we still have many things for which we can feel thankful, our lives, our very way of life revolves around money.  The basic (understood) necessities to sustain our human lives - food, drink, clothing, and shelter - all require some sort of financial sacrifice to provide.  This wouldn't be as bad of an issue if the cost to acquire these fundamental requirements wasn't continuing to increase - and skyrocketing, in some cases.

So what do we do?  How do we overcome these challenges and still make out to a place of not only "getting by," but also to a place of living comfortably?  Typically, we try for higher paying jobs.  Of course, to acquire one of these, there has to be substantial schooling and degrees - not to mention experience in the particular field.  Because we are unable to afford returning to school (even if we might have wanted to), we try to make do with what (jobs) we have.  Then we must deal with the fact that we find ourselves underpaid and unappreciated, but stuck.

Our generation is one that is always seeking growth in ourselves yet we tend to find ourselves pensive in our approach to this growth and success.  We tend to want our success to be quick and cheap (this usually meaning free).  We are also innovators and forward thinkers so we're all about the next big thing that will grow our money and our success.

So I'm wondering about people in that we have no faith in ourselves, nor do we want to place ourselves into a position where we are required to do work for our own betterment.  We are much more content with staying in our current state and complaining of all the things wrong and all the things against us.  Do we not tire of this?  Is there a solution to our current state?  In short ... YES!

Many of you know that I have been trying various programs/opportunities for making money.  I don't feel like I was bred for the "9 to 5" life, and so I've been seeking avenues to remedy my current state of 9-to-5-dom.  For the past few months, I had been researching a company and procrastinated on taking the next steps.  I'm fully aware that not every thing is for every one and I just didn't know that this one was for me.  But in all my research, I hadn't had an opportunity to reach anyone who was having any great deal of success.  Then someone sent me a video and my fate was sealed.

I'm going to provide you with a link to this video and I do hope you consider it and join a network of individuals who are SERIOUS about the success of every member within the organization.  The main business is simplistic in nature and there are many out there who are doing it.  However, only the group I've joined has created all the tools necessary to provide you with the successes you deserve.  You'll have the training necessary, the support necessary, and a corresponding option that can catapult your financial independence into a realm you only imagined possible.

Yes, this sounds really amazing and yes it sounds "too good to be true."  I can assure you, it is not.  This opportunity is not something that falls into your lap often.  Many people will ignore this, simply because they fear the "get rich quick" idea that many are perpetuating around the world.  I can assure you, this is not that.  You absolutely ARE presented with an opportunity to find yourself financially successful and independent.  However, it is not something that happens in a week and may not happen for you in a month.  HOWEVER, we are working to ensure those of us who don't want the 9-5 lifestyle have the chance to leave it.

For those of my readers who are not within the borders of the United States, fret not.  This is a GLOBAL OPPORTUNITY and each of us has an opportunity to partake in the business.

Check out this link and get back to me if you have any questions.  If you don't and you're ready to get started, either contact me or click one of the yellow "Sign Up Now" buttons on the page.  I do hope to hear from you soon!

VWayne
KiK: V.Wayne
Twitter: @VeeWayne
FB: facebook.com/its.the.gem.in.i (be sure to add me as a friend and send me a message!)