My First Time

It had been raining for, pretty much, the whole day.  Interestingly though, it didn't seem to be gloomy and depressing but more like those little drops of liquid sunshine we'd been told so much about as children.  It seemed to truly be about renewal and re-purposed use of the space.  Why think negatively about it, right?

Truth be told, it was the start of a new experience for me. I was embarking on new experiences - as I have been on a daily here in New York.  The rain merely mirrored my thoughts on the day and all the happenings within my life since my arrival here - it had been a continuous refreshing of my mind and spirit so that I could be better prepared to live in each moment.

As I left the restaurant, the rain had not subsided.  As I strolled down the Brooklyn streets, I found myself singing in the rain (in my mind, that is).  I called my parents to tell them of my day.  I was sure I'd be on the phone with my mom for a little while, so I stopped in the doorway of a closed store to shield myself from the rain.  I was dressed rather business casual (but with VWayne appeal) but nothing too flashy.  I was knee-deep in a discussion on the virtues of maintaining a positive attitude in life when he approached me.

He was an attractive older Caucasian (is that a PC term anymore?) gentlemen - perhaps late 30s to mid 40s.  He wore khaki slacks, the long sleeves of his plaid shirt were rolled up, a gray sweater tied around his waist, dark brown shoes, and a seemingly matching dark brown messenger bag across his chest.

He seemed to walk toward me as if he knew me - quickly down the street, then slowing when he was about 5 feet or so away.  I wasn't standing very far from the subway, so I assumed he was making his way into the station.  I didn't pay much attention but still noticed his movements - being cognizant of my surroundings is, after all, my favorite pastime.

He made eye contact and smiled.  Of course, I've been taught to be cordial so I flashed him a polite smile and continued my conversation. (these pleasantries may stop going forward)  A couple moments passed and I realized he was still hovering within that same 3-5 foot radius around the door I was in. He smiled again.  A curious smile appeared on my face.

What he did next freaked me out a bit and opened my eyes to a phenomenon women talk about all the time.  On his 3rd or 4th trip past me, I watched him remove a gold band from his fourth finger, left hand before placing it into his brown messenger bag.  I did my best to disguise my disgust - both on my face and in my voice while I was speaking with my mother.  The sheer fact that he continued to slowly circle me as if I were chum in the sea and he was some sort of great white shark bothered me already.  Add to this that he basically tied a bib around his neck before going in for his meal, well ... yea.

I ended the conversation with my mother "good night, I love you.  Kiss my dad."  I could tell he assuredly saw this as his opportunity.  He turned toward me with a smile (significantly wider than those prior) and raised eyebrows.  I figured the thoughts in his mind had something to do with the bulge he then sported within his khakis and how he might use me to assist him with this.  I can't imagine the level of disappointment he must have felt as I walked right past him without acknowledgment.  As I descended into the subway, I assume there was a great deal of deflation in his ego, not to mention his pants. Sucks to be him.

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I survived my first cruising experience in New York.  While it may not have had the happy ending most might expect from such an encounter, it was still worth going through at all.

'Notting Hill' or 'Love Found In The Movies'

There's something about Julia.  Hugh is beautifully dynamic.

Maybe it's the rain but, I'm quite introspective today.  Before posting any of my blogs, I tend to re-read them to try and ensure my initial point comes through.  While I read this, I realized my point came across, but it isn't what was originally intended.  Either way ...

I must admit, when I first saw the movie "Notting Hill," shortly after it came out in 1999, I thought it quite boring.  I think I might have even fallen asleep.  I'm not sure what it was - the dialogue, the acting, the fact that it seemed to be about absolutely NOTHING at all - I just couldn't grasp the concept.  I think it's because I had never been in love.

I watch it now (I'm currently watching it on the USA Network) and I fall in love with both Julia and Hugh and their relationship as a whole.  It's the quintessential love story.  Two people who were not "supposed" to be with each other, find themselves thrust into a gravitational pull neither one expected, nor could they explain.  It's just the way he looks at her - he immediately is enamored each and every time she comes into a room.

I have two favorite "moments" within the 124-minute film.  The first is their original moment of lovemaking (did I just use that word? SMH).  After many missed or botched opportunities and extenuating circumstances preventing them from any real possibility of physical intimacy, the time comes and you can just FEEL how much he desires her.  Even moreso, the screen literally seems to pour out every ounce of how much he is enamored with her.  The way he gently caresses and strokes her back appears to show a bit of worship for her skin.  He's already in love with her before he even has an opportunity to realize it.  He takes a pause and glances at her face in the dim light and says, simply, "Wow."  Her smile shows that she is taken aback but slightly uncomfortable because she CLEARLY realizes this is the first time anyone has actually seen her in this way - or even at all, for that matter.  She knows he's honest - he's genuinely seeing *her* for the woman she is, not the successful actress.  The next morning they have an exchange of words:

Anna Scott (Julia): Rita Hayworth used to say, 'They go to bed with Gilda; they wake up with me.'
William Thacker (Hugh): Who's Gilda?
Anna Scott: Her most famous part.  Men went to bed with the dream; they didn't like it when they would wake up with the reality.  Do you feel that way?
William Thacker: You are lovelier this morning than you have ever been.

He isn't looking for any recognition ... just genuinely expressing his affections for her.  Have you ever heard anything so beautiful?  You can just about see the puddle she melts into.

My second favorite moment is toward the end of the movie.  After Anna realizes she has been exhibiting a great deal of childish antics - "having behaved so badly" - she apologizes, in her own way.  She brings him a gift from her apartment, an original painting by an artist he likes (she noticed a print of it in his "flat" earlier in the movie).  She's nearly shaking with nervousness and worry.  She doesn't know what he will say and she doesn't know if she's ruined every hope of being with the first person to see her for who she is.  She proceeds to ask him for reconciliation, dancing about the concept as best she can.  Ambivalence and vulnerability can be read all over her face.  Through nervous laughter and timid hand wringing, she opens herself up for every possibility of response.

He considers his options, matching her trepidation with his own fears of doing what's right for himself while attempting to spare her feelings at the same time.  He ultimately says, "I'm a fairly level-headed bloke - not often in and out of love.  But, uh ..." He pauses and states, simply, "Can I just say no to your kind request?" He doesn't want to cause either one any pain but feels compelled to explain, though he doesn't want to.  He touts their vast differences as rationale - he lives "in Notting Hill" and she "in Beverly Hills."  He says, "Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name."

In an attempt to explain that "the fame thing isn't really real," she says (arguably one of the most profound lines of any love story ever told), "I'm also just a girl ... standing in front of a boy ... asking him to love her."

How can you beat that?

It's a story of love in such a way that you feel they are doomed before they begin, yet they are still drawn to each other by that invisible gravitational pull.  There is a magnetism that causes them to continue returning to each other, though the odds are stacked against them.  It's a love we can't understand unless we've been with another in such a way to validate its very existence as even true at all.  It's a love that seems to transcend any and every trouble around you.  It's a love that lends itself to a certain comfort level whereas all your worries/woes/concerns seem to fade away whenever you're near this person.  It's a love where you think about the person all the time - even when they are right there next to you.  It is a love that is, in a word ... true.

So yea ... I used to feel like Notting Hill was boring.  It was a movie that induced eye burning for lack of allowing them to just close.  I don't think I actually saw the whole thing from start to finish for a really long while.  I just felt as if it was not worth watching.  That is, until I found love.  I now find that I must watch it whenever/if ever it should come on.  I'm compelled to watch it.  I fall in love with it each time and realize something new about love every minute.  It doesn't help that it is one of his favorite movies.  I think I just realized the first time I saw the complete movie in one sitting was with him.  **sigh**  Him.

**sigh**

I. Miss. Him.

Undetectable: The New Condom(?)

I do hope that everyone understands I don't currently have an agenda to become an HIV advocate.  I just want it to be known that my reasons for "coming out" with my positive status last month had nothing to do with any sort of political platform or trying to build a career in advocacy. I merely needed to do it for myself and I am now absorbing the things that have come across my oath since divulging that information.  With that being said, today I posted in a forum on a popular gay social networking site.  Let's just say certain chats with guys on sites such as this one lead to my venting and questioning.  As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment below.

FYI - Undetectable, as defined by Dr Frascino via thebody.com is "the HIV plasma viral load is below the lower limit of detection for the particular test assay that is being used. Early viral load tests could only test down to 10,000 copies. Newer tests were able to test down to 500 copies of the virus per milliliter of plasma. The even newer ultrasensitive viral load assays can test all the way down to 25 or 50 copies/ml. We now have ultra-ultrasensitive assays available in some research laboratories that can test down to a single copy per ml! However, even in HIV-positive patients with HIV plasma viral loads below 1 copy/ml, this does not mean they have zero virus in their body. HIV still exists inside cells in the blood, lymph nodes and other body compartments."

I'm not certain how many of you have noticed this trend but I am curious the thoughts of others because I often feel like I'm on my own when it comes to this.  Have we evolved into the thought process that sexing someone who is HIV+ but "undetectable" provides us the same "risk-free" behavior as if we were with someone HIV-?

Let me start this by saying, after 5years of being "poz," I have learned to live with it and now allow myself the freedom of posting it freely on sites as if it were my eye color.  Let me also mention that I have divulged my status to my sexual partners before now but recently decided that I needn't be closeted about my status to anyone.  No, everyone doesn't need to know, but I have found that even using "everyone doesn't need to know my business" was as an excuse to be hidden about it.  The more I hid it, the more I seemed to feel there was something wrong with me and that just wasn't the case.

Sorry about that - it wasn't my intention to talk so much about myself, but I guess it was necessary.  Recently, when divulging my status to those who ask (or it seems like we might go further than idle online chit chat), I've found that the response is favorable (at first).  Guys say "thanks for being honest" or "I don't judge people based on their past" or something along those lines.  But then it changes.  The very next question tends to be "are you undetectable?"  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm aware that some guys are wanting to verify that you are taking care of yourself so as to ensure they aren't increasing their risk on multiple levels.  Te problem, however, is that I find many of these guys have a follow up question of "do you bareback?" 

**insert shocked face here**

Please don't get me wrong, it is not my intention to publicly condemn or judge.  I'm curious and I am concerned.  Have we gotten to the point of adaptation to the virus and are really thinking a cure is coming so soon that we have decided to disregard our only saving grace, save abstinence?  When did we (as a community) decide roulette was the game du jour?  Did I miss something?  For 4 of my 5 years, I had been in a committed relationship and so I don't know when this shift happened? 

I recall the evolutionary stage where it was decided (after all the information stating "it's no longer a death sentence"] that medication made it easier to live longer, healthier, happier lives.  But the community then adapted and said, "if I catch it, I can get on meds, so it isn't a big deal."  Now, obviously this wasn't the thought process of the community at large, but I'm sure we all know (of) someone who seemed to have blatant disregard because of this.

My only concern is that we have now evolved into even riskier behavior and I'm afraid of this current trajectory.  A couple of months ago, I posted on my blog that I fear a cure to the point of saying I hope we don't have one any time soon.  I feel like the more we get to a point of feeling any more as if we can live risk free, we will have disregard for our own health and the health of others.  One could pontificate on many reasons for this but it boils down to (de)evolution. Guys have gotten to a point of always looking for creative ways of doing what they want without regard for themselves or others.

Obviously I didn't really mean I don't want a cure.  Despite my new "out of the closet" mindset, I don't *WANT* HIV.  I would gladly give it up.  My fears are still the same, though - dudes have become ridiculously oblivious to the risks because they feel like there is still a remedy.  I'm a human (a human MALE) so clearly I can enjoy sex like all the rest.  I'm also aware of the "increased" physical pleasures of sex sans a condom.  I just feel there is a greater social responsibility being shirked.  It appears dudes have this feeling of invincibility or just merely a lack of real and tangible consequences to their actions, so why bother?  Isn't that what it is?  Am I the only one who is noticing this?  Am I the only one concerned? Hmmmm has being "undetectable" been translated to render condoms obsolete?

For many, you are getting a glance into a world you only partially understand.  In many cases, I do feel like the oblivious or naive attitude many heterosexuals have toward the inner workings within the gay community tend to feed into these behaviors.  This tends to stem from the healthcare policies created to quell the known aspects but not treating the causes.  As a society, the population at large speaks for all these minorities but there isn't enough representation to inform those who would choose to remain oblivious.  For this, both sides hold some blame.

As always, I would be remiss if I didn't state:

Make it common practice to get tested! There are better odds when you know than when you don't!

~VWayne

KiK: V.Wayne
Twitter: @VeeWayne
Instagram: @VeeWayne
Facebook: /ITS.THE.GEM.IN.I

Same Love: Equality for One and All

“If a couple of gay guys want to throw the gayest, most fabulous
wedding of all time, the only way it should offend you is if
you weren’t invited.” 
― Orlando Winters, boywritesmiami.com

It is an historic day in America.  Two measures of perhaps the biggest civil rights   debates of our generation are being brought before the highest court in our land. (Of course, "our generation" depicts those of us who were not necessarily around for the Civil Rights Movement of the 50's and 60's)  These are truly the biggest collective fights of our lives, to date.  Prop 8 and DOMA have been highly contested over the more recent years as Americans become more CLOSELY divided on the subject of marriage equality. As the US Supreme Court prepares to hear arguments on these cases, we all wait with bated breath to determine which way history will be made within our world - in which way will the fabric of our nation be changed?

On one hand, arguments will ultimately decide the constitutionality of California's Proposition 8, which banned all same-sex marriages within the state in 2008.  After a ballot measure and state constitutional amendment was passed and approved, the law was changed to say "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."  Certainly this was met with many dissenting opinions from LGBT persons and supporters throughout the state and ultimately the country. This has cycled over the years until ultimately we have been brought to today, when the Supreme Court will ultimately be put into a position

where a decision must be made on whether or not that amendment was/is constitutional within the confines of our legal system.  This is expected to be a close vote between the justices where a swing vote will ultimately be required for a narrow ruling.

The second measure, to be considered tomorrow, is that of DOMA or the Defense of Marriage Act.  The high- (or low-) lights of this federal law include a definition that marriage is legal union of a man and a woman for federal and inter-state recognition purposes in the United States.  It also states legally married couples of the same sex don't have the same eligibility for tax, pension and some other items as heterosexual counterparts.  Similar to Prop 8, DOMA supporters continue defending a law that others find discriminatory and unconstitutional - this case dealing more with equal protection under the law moreso than equal rights of marriage.  The decision to be handed down from the US Supreme Court is in response to a case from an 80+ year old New York woman who sued the federal government after she was forced to pay estate taxes to the tune of more than $360k.  The two women were married in Canada in 2007 after being together for about 40 years.  DOMA didn't recognize their union as legal, despite their traveling to Canada being a legal ceremony (Canadian provinces started recognizing same-sex marriage as legal in 2003 and ultimately mid-2005 throughout the country).

Regardless of the side on which you fall for this (these) issue(s), we cannot deny the monumental impact this will have on the world we, as Americans, live in and hold so dear.  I'm always shocked when African Americans tend to deny these to be issues of civil rights.  It seems there is some murky line of distinction between the Gay Rights Initiative and the Civil Rights Movement of the 60's.  It is as if the two didn't hold the same fundamental truths of equal protection under the law and overall equality for all men (and women) within our country.  Do they not ask the same things?  Is the LGBT community not merely a subset of the overall conglomerate of Americans who do/did not reap the same benefits outlined as requirements for all Americans?  Clearly I understand the hesitation and possible reasons for otherwise pensive thought processes with regard to this (that's a completely different topic all together), however right is right and wrong is wrong.

===================================================================

Recently, I discovered a song by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis from their Album The Heist (released October 9, 2012) entitled "Same Love."  When I first heard this song, I was so astonished that I had not heard about it before. It speaks to many fundamental truths that I couldn't believe anyone - let alone a heterosexual man! - would step up to say these things.  I'm not going to review it, but I do want you to hear the song. I've also just discovered there is a video for it.  Being the sap I am, of course I shed two or three - or seven or nine - tears while watching it.  There are many immediate similarities one could draw to their own lives - myself included.

All in all, these situations are dealing with HUMAN rights - not just civil rights. Perhaps this term sits better on the tongues of the African Americans who deny the similarities or blatant absolution.  The fight seems to be more about ensuring we all receive the same opportunities, rights, perks, benefits, consequences and anything else warranted for being an American under the laws of our great nations.  It's not SIMPLY about being able to marry who you want - but more about receiving what I should be entitled as an American citizen.

"A certificate on paper isn't gonna solve it all, but it's a damn good place to start!"

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