19 April 2013
16 April 2013
Fallout Boy: My Thoughts From Within The Aftermath
Where do I start? Hmmm ... I know ... I'll start with this ...
The above picture is from a post I sent out to all my social networking followers. It gives you a GLIMPSE into the abyss holding on to the vast number of emotions within. It's only a little bit of a smidgen of a portion of a "teench" of a modicum of the depths of indescribability therein.
Here's another ...
In each of the languages of those who have recently visited and shared with me ...
Thank you. (US/UK/Canada-English)
Спасибо. (Russia-Russian)
شكرا. (Bahrain-Arabic)
Danke. (Germany-German)
Go raibh maith agat. (Irish-Gaelic)
Merci. (France/Canada-French)
Terima kasih. (Indonesia-Indonesian)
Dziękuję. (Poland-Polish)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In the previous post, I mentioned how I had written and REwritten that post quite a few times. I revised it again just before submitting the post on Sunday. The problem is, in my haste, I realized I left some hanging sentences and even a complete paragraph. (LoL SMH) I apologize for that. I do want to fill you in on the details of the phantom paragraph.
Recall, I mentioned the process by which the health department collects the names and phone numbers of people you've been with? These are the individuals with whom you've been intimate ... the ones from whom you might have contracted a disease, or with whom you've so graciously shared the one you might already have had. Again, I believe their process is to try and keep outbreak numbers low and to get people tested and treated as quickly as possible - and of course, to prevent any possible chances of an outbreak.
Well, I never told you the circumstances surrounding that phone call from the health department. OBVIOUSLY I was surprised to receive the phone call:
"Hello, may I speak with Victor **insert my last name here**?"
"Yes, this is he. But who's calling?" (Today, I can pinpoint this as the second to last time I have EVER answered a phone call without, first, knowing who it is. Not surprisingly, the last time involved this same person as the catalyst. I won't discuss, but let's just say "Jerry Springer" called.)
"My name is **Let's call him 'CCHD'** and I'm calling from the Cook County Health Department."
"Um ... what? Who? From Where?" I clearly haven't put two and two together regarding the sheet of paper I had found some time before this phone call.
He repeats his name and from where he's calling.
"I'm sure this is confusing, so I will just get right to it - The reason for my call is that someone with whom you've had sexual contact has come in to and tested positive for HIV and Syphilis."
**LIGHT BULB** It's starting to make sense to me now.
"We'd like for you to come in as soon as you can in order to be tested to ensure you're OK and to get started on treatment, if you're not."
"Who might that be, CCHD?" Of course I already know who it is.
"I'm unfortunately not able to tell you that, due to privacy and confidentiality reasons."
"No matter - what's your address? When can I come? What time do you close? How does this work? What the FUCK?!"
I'm doing my best to not jump out of my body, but the vibrations and pulsations throughout my skin are hard to mask.
"This is some CLEAR bull shit! I will leave work right this minute to come and figure this all out but SOMEONE needs to provide some answers!"
(I have the tendency to get a little dramatic - I'm sure you could gather that, already.)
..................................................................................................................
When I arrived, I received all the necessary tests - and those fun shots in the butt (I didn't want syphilis! even if they hadn't found it in the tests). He also mentioned to me the process by which he came upon my phone number. Apparently he had been trying to contact me for some time - recall I had found the "sheet of paper" some time before Thanksgiving and now it was almost Christmas.
"Did you change your number recently or something?"
"No, what do you mean?"
"Well, I'd been trying to reach out to you since the end of October but apparently had the wrong number. Has your phone number ever been 312.XXX.XXXX?"
"No, but it was 847.XXX.XXXX since I'm from the north suburbs. But I haven't had that phone number for a long time now."
"That explains it. He must have given me the incorrect phone number. That seems quite shady, don't you think?"
OK, I'm, at this point, already brooding, I don't need you fueling the fire, but I'll bite.
"It would appear that way. It sets him up to have simply 'made a mistake' with just entering the incorrect area code. He would look as if he made a common mistake. Only, we are/were in a relationship, so that shit doesn't fly. What I still don't understand is how you have the CORRECT number now?"
"Oh, right. Well, like I said, the number was wrong, but we did have numbers of others." I am more intrigued now. "Apparently there's another person the two of you shared sexually."
"Let's not try and piss me off now - I don't do threesomes with people I'm with."
"Calm down. I didn't mean it like that!"
"Oh."
"I simply mean that there's someone you two have both been with recently."
"This also can't be true because I've only been with him."
"Let me take a look at my notes." He does, while continually eyeballing me. Ain't nobody got time for his advances right now. I'm ENDING a relationship and he's trying to pounce on that rebound status. SMH.
..................................................................................................................
Apparently my boyfriend had been sexual with his ex-roommate (I used my deductive reasoning to figure this out). CCDH told me the person was someone I had "messed around with" some time ago, but who had also figured out who the person behind the whole situation was. Knowing the person in question, he immediately wanted to make sure I was covered because there was a fear that I would not find out - I was providing food and shelter for him at this point. The boyfriend had plenty of reason to hide this from me.
If he hadn't withheld the correct phone number, there is a possibility that I wouldn't have gone so many months with the virus coursing through my veins. I could have been made aware of the circumstances before Thanksgiving. There is also the possibility that I could have been done with him before I even had an opportunity for exposure. Actually, the more I think about it, this is almost an absolute certainty.
Based upon the timeline, I tested in December and was negative but tested positive in April of the next year. I wasn't engaging in risky behavior at that time, so it had been sitting in my system. Basically, when I tested in December, there were no antibodies present to cause the test to register as positive. I believe the "window period" for the particular type of test used to be able to detect the antibodies in the blood was (maybe still is, I don't know) is like 30 - 90 days.
To explain this, HIV exposure can cause antibodies to be created in like 2 weeks for some and longer for others. In order for this to be captured (or detected) by the tests (looking for antibodies only), there needs to be enough copies of the antibodies in the system. This is the reason these rapid tests are so common - they yield quick results because they are looking for antibodies. It begs to reason that, if there are antibodies in the system, the virus is also there. (How else do the antibodies form? The body has to have a reason to create them.)
The timeline leaves open the possibility that I had not been affected by the time he had tested positive and provided false contact information for me. Honesty provides the opportunity for me to make decisions myself. I would have had an opportunity to ensure I was healthy and determine the proper course of action to move forward. We could have been "more careful" than we were. We could have talked about it. We could have dealt with it. But I wasn't given this opportunity.
Please don't get me wrong, I am NOT without blame in this situation. I wanted to be treated like an adult in all other ways, so I should have been protecting myself better to ensure I emerged unscathed. But I did not. I made the adult decision to engage in risky behavior and I have to deal with the consequences - as an adult would. Now I'm here. Of course, there was deceit involved on many levels. But his increased antics of deceit and situational manipulation do not remove any blame from me.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I am beyond pleased that so many of you have taken the time out to read my novels! **smile** I cannot tell you how much it means to me. It means even more that so many of you felt it necessary to reach out to me - via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and via email. The overwhelming part comes from the OUTPOURING of contact from you all. Your well wishes. Your kind words and thoughts. Your support. Your stories of solidarity. Your words of encouragement and inspiration. Your stories of a similar nature. You inspire me!
I truly didn't know what the aftermath of posting such a personal testimony would yield. I will state that I am pleasantly surprised. Using words such as "amazing" or "brave/courageous" coupled with "hero" and "inspiration" make me slightly uncomfortable, however I take it with it's original intent. Thusly, I appreciate it immensely.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Finally, to answer a question from last night: "Why on Earth did you write this?" I did not write this for some sort of attention or notoriety. I actually wrote it as a means of therapy for myself. I'm a firm believer that discussing the things that bother us provide us with a greater opportunity for, not only greater self-awareness, but also for an opportunity of release. I also feel like talking about it opens up your own way of thinking about it, as you release it into the atmosphere/world/universe. This means I could have talked to a counselor/therapist about it, right? Well, clearly I'm an overly analytical human being and so I felt like this would have been a nice stepping stone, but it wouldn't eradicate my issues with it. To post it on the web, it is PERMANENT. It is completely open for interpretation from any and EVERYONE. Additionally, it is not hidden within 4 walls where it's shared with only 2 people. Having told the world, there is no one who could hold it over my head because I've relinquished the power that it could ever have over me - ever again. I've taken control and plan to sprint with it.
Immediately after it posted and I couldn't think about it again, I literally felt free. I felt lighter. I had been having pain in my chest the days leading up to it - again, this day has always had properties of fear within it. To let go of all that fear and open myself up for public ridicule is absolutely courageous. I didn't know I was being brave, but I do now. This has allowed for a miraculous change and zen-like peace.
Today my girl, Kia sent me a quote - I don't know the original person to use the phrasing:
"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."
... indeed
Here's another ...
In each of the languages of those who have recently visited and shared with me ...
Thank you. (US/UK/Canada-English)
Спасибо. (Russia-Russian)
شكرا. (Bahrain-Arabic)
Danke. (Germany-German)
Go raibh maith agat. (Irish-Gaelic)
Merci. (France/Canada-French)
Terima kasih. (Indonesia-Indonesian)
Dziękuję. (Poland-Polish)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
In the previous post, I mentioned how I had written and REwritten that post quite a few times. I revised it again just before submitting the post on Sunday. The problem is, in my haste, I realized I left some hanging sentences and even a complete paragraph. (LoL SMH) I apologize for that. I do want to fill you in on the details of the phantom paragraph.
Recall, I mentioned the process by which the health department collects the names and phone numbers of people you've been with? These are the individuals with whom you've been intimate ... the ones from whom you might have contracted a disease, or with whom you've so graciously shared the one you might already have had. Again, I believe their process is to try and keep outbreak numbers low and to get people tested and treated as quickly as possible - and of course, to prevent any possible chances of an outbreak.
Well, I never told you the circumstances surrounding that phone call from the health department. OBVIOUSLY I was surprised to receive the phone call:
"Hello, may I speak with Victor **insert my last name here**?"
"Yes, this is he. But who's calling?" (Today, I can pinpoint this as the second to last time I have EVER answered a phone call without, first, knowing who it is. Not surprisingly, the last time involved this same person as the catalyst. I won't discuss, but let's just say "Jerry Springer" called.)
"My name is **Let's call him 'CCHD'** and I'm calling from the Cook County Health Department."
"Um ... what? Who? From Where?" I clearly haven't put two and two together regarding the sheet of paper I had found some time before this phone call.
He repeats his name and from where he's calling.
"I'm sure this is confusing, so I will just get right to it - The reason for my call is that someone with whom you've had sexual contact has come in to and tested positive for HIV and Syphilis."
**LIGHT BULB** It's starting to make sense to me now.
"We'd like for you to come in as soon as you can in order to be tested to ensure you're OK and to get started on treatment, if you're not."
"Who might that be, CCHD?" Of course I already know who it is.
"I'm unfortunately not able to tell you that, due to privacy and confidentiality reasons."
"No matter - what's your address? When can I come? What time do you close? How does this work? What the FUCK?!"
I'm doing my best to not jump out of my body, but the vibrations and pulsations throughout my skin are hard to mask.
"This is some CLEAR bull shit! I will leave work right this minute to come and figure this all out but SOMEONE needs to provide some answers!"
(I have the tendency to get a little dramatic - I'm sure you could gather that, already.)
..................................................................................................................
When I arrived, I received all the necessary tests - and those fun shots in the butt (I didn't want syphilis! even if they hadn't found it in the tests). He also mentioned to me the process by which he came upon my phone number. Apparently he had been trying to contact me for some time - recall I had found the "sheet of paper" some time before Thanksgiving and now it was almost Christmas.
"Did you change your number recently or something?"
"No, what do you mean?"
"Well, I'd been trying to reach out to you since the end of October but apparently had the wrong number. Has your phone number ever been 312.XXX.XXXX?"
"No, but it was 847.XXX.XXXX since I'm from the north suburbs. But I haven't had that phone number for a long time now."
"That explains it. He must have given me the incorrect phone number. That seems quite shady, don't you think?"
OK, I'm, at this point, already brooding, I don't need you fueling the fire, but I'll bite.
"It would appear that way. It sets him up to have simply 'made a mistake' with just entering the incorrect area code. He would look as if he made a common mistake. Only, we are/were in a relationship, so that shit doesn't fly. What I still don't understand is how you have the CORRECT number now?"
"Oh, right. Well, like I said, the number was wrong, but we did have numbers of others." I am more intrigued now. "Apparently there's another person the two of you shared sexually."
"Let's not try and piss me off now - I don't do threesomes with people I'm with."
"Calm down. I didn't mean it like that!"
"Oh."
"I simply mean that there's someone you two have both been with recently."
"This also can't be true because I've only been with him."
"Let me take a look at my notes." He does, while continually eyeballing me. Ain't nobody got time for his advances right now. I'm ENDING a relationship and he's trying to pounce on that rebound status. SMH.
..................................................................................................................
Apparently my boyfriend had been sexual with his ex-roommate (I used my deductive reasoning to figure this out). CCDH told me the person was someone I had "messed around with" some time ago, but who had also figured out who the person behind the whole situation was. Knowing the person in question, he immediately wanted to make sure I was covered because there was a fear that I would not find out - I was providing food and shelter for him at this point. The boyfriend had plenty of reason to hide this from me.
If he hadn't withheld the correct phone number, there is a possibility that I wouldn't have gone so many months with the virus coursing through my veins. I could have been made aware of the circumstances before Thanksgiving. There is also the possibility that I could have been done with him before I even had an opportunity for exposure. Actually, the more I think about it, this is almost an absolute certainty.
Based upon the timeline, I tested in December and was negative but tested positive in April of the next year. I wasn't engaging in risky behavior at that time, so it had been sitting in my system. Basically, when I tested in December, there were no antibodies present to cause the test to register as positive. I believe the "window period" for the particular type of test used to be able to detect the antibodies in the blood was (maybe still is, I don't know) is like 30 - 90 days.
To explain this, HIV exposure can cause antibodies to be created in like 2 weeks for some and longer for others. In order for this to be captured (or detected) by the tests (looking for antibodies only), there needs to be enough copies of the antibodies in the system. This is the reason these rapid tests are so common - they yield quick results because they are looking for antibodies. It begs to reason that, if there are antibodies in the system, the virus is also there. (How else do the antibodies form? The body has to have a reason to create them.)
The timeline leaves open the possibility that I had not been affected by the time he had tested positive and provided false contact information for me. Honesty provides the opportunity for me to make decisions myself. I would have had an opportunity to ensure I was healthy and determine the proper course of action to move forward. We could have been "more careful" than we were. We could have talked about it. We could have dealt with it. But I wasn't given this opportunity.
Please don't get me wrong, I am NOT without blame in this situation. I wanted to be treated like an adult in all other ways, so I should have been protecting myself better to ensure I emerged unscathed. But I did not. I made the adult decision to engage in risky behavior and I have to deal with the consequences - as an adult would. Now I'm here. Of course, there was deceit involved on many levels. But his increased antics of deceit and situational manipulation do not remove any blame from me.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I am beyond pleased that so many of you have taken the time out to read my novels! **smile** I cannot tell you how much it means to me. It means even more that so many of you felt it necessary to reach out to me - via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and via email. The overwhelming part comes from the OUTPOURING of contact from you all. Your well wishes. Your kind words and thoughts. Your support. Your stories of solidarity. Your words of encouragement and inspiration. Your stories of a similar nature. You inspire me!
I truly didn't know what the aftermath of posting such a personal testimony would yield. I will state that I am pleasantly surprised. Using words such as "amazing" or "brave/courageous" coupled with "hero" and "inspiration" make me slightly uncomfortable, however I take it with it's original intent. Thusly, I appreciate it immensely.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Finally, to answer a question from last night: "Why on Earth did you write this?" I did not write this for some sort of attention or notoriety. I actually wrote it as a means of therapy for myself. I'm a firm believer that discussing the things that bother us provide us with a greater opportunity for, not only greater self-awareness, but also for an opportunity of release. I also feel like talking about it opens up your own way of thinking about it, as you release it into the atmosphere/world/universe. This means I could have talked to a counselor/therapist about it, right? Well, clearly I'm an overly analytical human being and so I felt like this would have been a nice stepping stone, but it wouldn't eradicate my issues with it. To post it on the web, it is PERMANENT. It is completely open for interpretation from any and EVERYONE. Additionally, it is not hidden within 4 walls where it's shared with only 2 people. Having told the world, there is no one who could hold it over my head because I've relinquished the power that it could ever have over me - ever again. I've taken control and plan to sprint with it.
Immediately after it posted and I couldn't think about it again, I literally felt free. I felt lighter. I had been having pain in my chest the days leading up to it - again, this day has always had properties of fear within it. To let go of all that fear and open myself up for public ridicule is absolutely courageous. I didn't know I was being brave, but I do now. This has allowed for a miraculous change and zen-like peace.
Today my girl, Kia sent me a quote - I don't know the original person to use the phrasing:
"Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions."
... indeed
14 April 2013
Coming Out ... AGAIN! **OR** Happy Aniversary (?)
PREFACE (written Tuesday, April 9th):
I've written and rewritten this post so many times over the past 2-3 months - that's when I finally made up my mind to write it. I thought I might have actually been finished with it and could just save it until time to post on the 14th. Well, today required a new revision/rewrite.
My friend, Kia, issued me a challenge today. She said
As I've said previously, this post has been rewritten many times to cover how I wanted to tell this story - what details would I divulge? What methods of storytelling? Would I go all the way? Would I hold back even a modicum of information? In what voice would I share? With this new challenge, I now have some additional questions to ask: How much anger would be used? If/When this anger is used, to what end would there be a benefit to it's use? What would be the spin of positivity I might weave?
Clearly, this challenge would prove to be ... well ... challenging!
After rereading the then current version, I said a little prayer and simply began writing all over again. The following is what I came up with. It is, simply stated, the raw information - I lost regard for how to write it and just did. Keeping from being negative ceased to be a factor. The positive spin is just that I've written it at all. I'm sharing with you something quite personal and the level of vulnerability I'm overcoming is good enough in that regard. So **deep breath**
... here we go ...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Today is my anniversary. A few years ago, my life was altered, completely and irrevocably. To explain it, let's give you the back story.
Toward the end of 2007, I moved my then boyfriend into my apartment with me. Despite the myriad of naysayers and the chatter surrounding what I should and should not do, I made the decision because I thought it was right for me. I was 25 years old and therefore old enough to make my own decisions. At that age (and perhaps it's just me), I think we all come into some idea that we should begin acting as adults do. This meant that I should stop acting like a child and focus more on long-standing relationships. Gone were the days of the standard gay 3-month "relationship" we all came to know. He was about 30 at the time - perfect way to transition into adulthood, with someone who was already an adult, right?
I wanted so much for this particular relationship to work that I defied even my mother - the quintessential 'end all, be all' in my life. She worried a great deal and was verbal in her opposition. I changed (and subsequently risked) family traditions to appease him; I compromised to include him in all that I did. I wanted happiness. I was looking for the promised land - in terms of love - and would do whatever it took to obtain it. I recently mentioned him so you have an idea of the kind of guy he was. The part you might not have gotten is how much I turned a blind eye to it. Hindsight being 20/20, I now realize I was so focused on the relationship as a whole, that I neglected the things he did that harmed me and my other relationships with family and friends. I was consistently willing to make the ultimate sacrifices.
One day right before Thanksgiving, I was cleaning my apartment and found a sheet of paper. On it, was the logo for the Cook County Health Department (at the time, I was living in Kenosha, WI - what was this doing here?), their phone number, a number depicting one's place in line, a recent date, etc. Despite a certain level of confusion, I maintained my calm - clearly there was a logical explanation for this, right? I had been enduring what seemed to be self-induced, complex, peace negotiations with my family regarding how we would be spending the holiday (more compromise, on my part, for him and his family). I really hadn't the strength to endure my impending anger, so I tabled the discussion.
I brought it up, quite some time later, but I wasn't angry. I just wanted to know why he had gone to get tested (without me). You see, we had talked about consistently going together in some lofty ideal of solidarity and strength we (mainly I) had concocted - some purported bond we were solidifying. Clearly I just needed a way to prove to others how adult we were (I was) being. His response didn't surprise me ... But then again, it did. It was quite thorough and involved (surely he didn't think I had forgotten the situation), but it made a great deal of sense.
He said he had gone with his best friend who had serious reason to believe he had contracted an STD from some guy he had been with one night. (plausible) He also said he had explained our agreement to go together but noticed how much his friend needed him. (sensible) He verified that it was simply a situation of moral support. His friend had, in fact, contracted HIV and my boyfriend was told he was clean. (admirable and relieving) Of course, there was no reason for me to bring it back up, right?
By Christmas, we would no longer be together.
For those of you unaware of the process when going to the health department for std testing, please allow me to enlighten you. When engaging in risky encounters, one must take precaution. Because not everyone has insurance (or because one don't want one's family/employer to know what's happening), a trip to the health department can provide contraception before the act or testing afterward. Obviously there are other reasons people go to the health department but this has no bearing on the story. Apologies, I digress.
Once everything has been completed with your testing, you're given a counseling session while awaiting results. During this time, you might be asked questions about your sexual behavior (a risk assessment) and questions about your partners (assuming you know anything about them). Once your results are in, you are also asked the names and numbers of your partners. This, I believe, is a way of public outbreak protection. Nonetheless, they also ask that you contact your partner(s) to bring in anyone who may need testing.
Merry Christmas. I received a phone call ... from a gentleman at the Cook County Health Department. It seems someone I had been with sexually had tested positive for HIV and Syphilis and they needed me to come in for testing - for my own protection, of course. Though everything came back negative, I still elected to endure the awesome penicillin shots in my rump for good measure. They said I should have a follow up test due to the time it takes for the body to acquire antibodies.
That was the day I kicked him out.
I moved on with my life and eventually began dating someone new. I was still trying to build up that adult attitude in my relationships and my overall life. I had a pretty decent job with some great benefits. Since I was beginning to get a sore throat (my awesome tonsil issues), I decided to go to the doctor. I hadn't really been to a doctor in many years. So I decided to get a primary care physician and get the general basis of my overall health. I had no reason to think there was any cause for alarm, so I tested for everything - might as well use the insurance since I was paying for it, right? Besides, my doctor (and all her staff) was beyond anything I could have asked for. Everyone was super
April 14, 2008. While i was at work, I received a call from my doctor - I was waiting to hear from her to ensure it wasn't strep. The nurse stated everything was fine with the throat culture but that I would need to come in for the results of the std battery. Attempting not to panic, trying to keep my shock at bay, I told her I would not come in and I needed answers immediately. She went off to bring the doctor on the line. My brain started racing, almost matching the speed of my heart. Which was it? Syphilis? Gonorrhea? Chlamydia? Herpes?
My doctor got on the line and her pleasant voice made me want to reach through the phone and cut off her air supply with the phone cord. I listened to her thoughtful speech - perfect tone, soothing but definitive, her words perfectly chosen - as she confirmed the only diagnosis I had NEGLECTED to consider.
"I hate to have to tell you this - especially over the telephone. There are many options for treatment ..." She then went through the complete battery of tests, "... negative ... negative ... clean ... but ..." She took a deep breath, "we did find antibodies for HIV. This would mean your body is already fighting off the virus." After my silence, she answered my silent question, "Victor, you're positive, you have HIV." Direct. Just what I needed to snap me back into reality.
It's amazing the things you remember in such explicit detail.
I immediately went into crisis mode - more like crisis prevention mode. I had some people who needed to be told but I didn't know if I could bring myself to do it. I went to my car, just in case I broke down into uncontrollable tears. After sitting there, numb, for what seemed a lifetime, I found myself with my phone to my ear. I don't think I knew who I was calling until my best friend of (at the time) 17 years, Tammy. (I only just now realized she was the first person I told.) While I can't remember the details of the call, I know she did a lot of crying which, in turn, caused me to do the same. I needed her to calm me down and to help me work on how to tell some fairly important people in my life - siblings, my boyfriend, my mother!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Sorry, I needed a moment to cry a bit. Every year, I fear this day. I'm afraid I will have some sort of a dramatic breakdown because, in my truth, I have never had an actual reaction to my diagnosis. I have only had reactions to the reactions of others - in one way or another. Typically I go through the motions of the day. I don't cause a stir or anything because I'm just waiting... Waiting for the reaction... Waiting for the aftermath... Waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it never happens. I'm in my own little self-induced state of purgatory.
My thoughts on this subject are that I just need to get it out. I can no longer sit in the closet because that isn't me. Just as I came out of the closet thirteen years ago as a man who happens to have an amorous affinity toward other men, it is time for it again. I'm a man who tends to speak his mind on many subjects - why should this one be any different?
I have no clue whether or not this will benefit others. I do hope it does. I have no clue whether or not this will be received with it's original (and subsequent) intentions. I pray the reception is at least in that realm. I hope everyone gets tested. Regularly. The level of importance is clearly there. Yes, my own levels have been great the past five years, due - in some part - to management with medicines and an overall better attention being paid to my overall health. There are many treatment options out there that can, essentially, be tailor made to you and your circumstances. The only way for you to obtain the treatment is to, FIRST, get tested!
I love you all,
11 April 2013
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