How Much is the Mega Millions/Powerball now?

So here it is - 20 minutes to 2 in the am - and I'm sitting here ... stressing. At this hour, there's really nothing on TV and so I'm trying to FIND something on the computer to occupy my time. I know the moment I lay down in bed I'll end up staring at the ceiling, wall or the insides of my eyelids. None of which sounds like a very appealing alternative to sitting here, with my laptop in front of me, staring at the nothingness on the television - all-the-while attempting to miraculously have some sort of epiphany that will cure my stresses and worries. I'm pretty sure my eyes will start seeing ABC's "World News Now" shortly (I think that's what comes on when nothing else is on television). So I'll watch Jeremy Hubbard and Vinita Nair tell me the SAME stories OVER AND OVER AND OVER again as if there isn't enough news to warrant changing the content every hour. It's funny to watch them attempt to give "filler" banter between stories (or about stories) as though it's the first time they've ever heard this information before. It all looks forced.

Anyway ...

I was feeling pretty good until I realized (only a mere two or so hours ago) that I didn't have the money in my account that I should have. Typically, the direct deposit has hit my account before I wake up on Wednesday mornings and the only time this is different is when I forget to certify on Mondays. As most of you know, I have been receiving unemployment insurance (UI) benefits since I lost my job last summer. I know I'm one in a severely large number of people who are receiving UI and an even greater number of those who don't have work, period, so I won't complain about the lack of jobs or anything of that nature. I will say that I have grown dependant upon this bi-weekly fraction (by comparison to my former pay) of income. Not seeing it in my account, immediately brings forth thoughts of concern and "what if...". With all the different government dilemmas surrounding unemployment, economy, and budgetary deficits, one really has to step back and consider the possibility that they could join the ranks of individuals and families attempting to get by with no income.

I promised that I would attempt to not allow this to stress me out. I told Hifey, before he went to sleep, that I would not allow this to get me down and that I would just keep my focus (as I have been) on looking for school. He reminded me that we have a lot of positive things going on right now - a lot of reasons to rejoice and be glad. I agree with him and didn't want to simply placate him but my mind had already begun it's spiral of "OMG!" and "WHAT IF...?" and "WHAT AM I GONNA DO?" thoughts. That's why I wanted to get this out of my head ... if I can get the thoughts out, it'll be easier to get back to my optimistic thought processes. There are a lot of different possibilities as to why I didn't get paid. Many of which have to deal with the fact that I just moved and also switched the account in which the deposit should have been made.

No matter ... I'm feeling better ... In somewhat unrelated news, I heard Bill Gates is no longer the richest man anymore ... all those billionaires out there make me sick. Not that I am hating or anything ... it just seems like some donations could be made by all these billionaires to those without and some economies could be bounced back in rubber band fashion.

I think it's time for me to win the Mega Millions or the PowerBall

Beautiful Things on the Horizon ...

This is just a quick message to say that I have been pretty busy lately with trying to make things better. This DOES include the blog, but moreso includes the betterment of me, my relationship, and my life as a whole. No, nothing is wrong. Just making sure everything is "right" - for those of you that don't understand, get to understand for your truest happiness.

I'm working on being the most authentic me that I can be and it is seemingly making life much easier. I have begun releasing the things outside my control with a bit more ease and God has definitely been "pulling His weight" in other parts.

Let's just say there are many amazing things preparing to happen and I look forward to the opportunity to tell you more about them all in due time.

I am attempting to write to you more often than my sporadic rants/raves/otherwise in the past. Please bare with me as God makes things happen.

VWayne

REFOCUSING

So I know I told you I'd be sure to post every day this month but, as you can see, this promise has been unfulfilled. Well I find a great way to describe this comes by way of a tweet from my "bro-n-law" today:

"Motivation can be one of the most elusive qualities! I find myself working diligently but feeling uninspired! I need to refocus!"

to which I replied:

"AMEN Bro-N-Law! I know EXACTLY what you mean ... the ever-elusive motivation always finds a way to evade me."

Without giving explanation (I feel like I explain myself too much when it's really unnecessary) I will just try and refocus.  Or perhaps it's asking too much to refocus on something that is without the fullest of your heart. If you can't commit your full heart to it, it's highly unlikely that you will immerse yourself into all aspects needed to accomplish it. Or it could get accomplished, but not with "A" quality.

I've decided I will just begin posting whenever I feel it necessary ... when something really strikes my fancy. This blog was never intended to be a journal or diary, so posting daily isn't exactly necessary. Inspiration and motivation can (and does) come at any given moment. When it does, that's when you'll hear from me. I find myself feeling guilty about not having posted for those of you who read my words and the truth is (without attempting to sound rude or insensitive) it's not about you. I do enjoy the few sporadic comments I receive as do I appreciate your visiting and reading (or just looking at the pictures) but the fact of the matter is that this is for me and my own personal expression of my own feelings, interpretations and creativity.

So follow me, if you will, along my new path of self-expression ...

VWayne'z Big Month of Inspiration ... W is for ...

Hey there!

So here's the second installment of my inspirations month. 2nd letter of the title is "W" so ... W is for ...


Women!

I am SUUUUPER inspired by women. Don't read too much into it before you know what I'm attempting to say. I'm NOT saying I am "going back" to women. I am NOT saying that I want to be one. I am NOT saying I want to go full-fledged into fashion (design) or anything (although I have dabbled in design - and am tossing around the idea of designing swimwear with a great WOMAN friend of mine). I am NOT trying to say I think them some superior sex or anything. I am inspired by certain men but not by the race (can you call a gender/sex a race? hmmm) as a whole.
I AM, however saying there are many things about women that make them AWESOME! Without yet getting into the general aspects of women as a whole, I can first mention the women in my life. My mother, sisters, and close women friends AMAZE me on so very many levels and induce a great sense of being better within myself. This isn't only for myself, but also to be a better representative of the collective male gender. I don't know a black man who isn't totally enamored with his mother. She endures so much and, typically/stereotypically, has to become both mother and father to her kids. She carries a great deal of burden. She's the greatest example of rolling with the punches, all the while continuing to provide for her family. She's the truest example of altruism at it's FINEST! Don't misunderstand me, there are many men who are capable of and exemplify the same traits. However, in the black community (not to point any fingers) this man and his presence comprise some sort of myth or tall tale - some story you hear about whilst roasting marshmallows around a roaring campfire. (Can you see the intended imagery?) 

These are just a few reasons why women - for the sake of this argument, I'll go so far as to specify BLACK WOMEN - are regarded so highly within their communities (and even outside). I'm not sure what causes the degeneration of this admiration and perception with respect to the way black men treat their women, but that's another blog on another day. Please don't misunderstand, I don't want to, in any way, infer or imply black women are somehow better than women of any other race. I just utilized them as the embodiment of my current point - nothing more (or less).







Moving right along ...

The fairer sex holds so many strengths, it's weird to call her the weaker sex. So they aren't as brawny nor are they as burly as men (well, in more cases than not), but despite this fact, they accomplish many things men wouldn't attempt if afforded the opportunity. Carrying a baby is the easiest example, of course, and we can't forget that monthly "bitch" that visits and makes life hell for women and men alike (well the ramifications affect men). To take that a step forward, they endure these things and still maintain their composure and accomplish their day-to-day tasks with a smile on their face! *WHEW* I almost lost it on y'all and you wouldn't have known where I was coming from. *calms down* 

Let us also remember the things they do for men ... I won't even go into the sexual things they do to make men happy. Let's venture, briefly, to high heels, bikini waxes, tummy tucks, botox, breast implants and the like. Granted, these things might seem superficial to some, but what causes the want to put saline-filled balloons into one's chest? I'm gonna say it's because man has said this was something he likes to see. She doesn't have to get her muff shaven, yet she does it because it's what the man wants it. (I'm getting silly but my intended purpose is not lost - I hope) Sure this could be seen as some sort of self-esteem issue or a question of self-worth, but from where does even THAT stem? If men hadn't given women these ideas that they weren't good enough in the skin God provided, there wouldn't be these issues. They could just as easily say EFF EWE and keep it moving. Then where would you be?! *sorry, I got worked up again* :o)

To wrap this up, I am more than inspired by the plight of the woman. She endureth so very much and yet receiveth no thanks for it. Hell, even dealing with this thankless job, she STILL continues in spite of it all! She's the epitome of God's blessings to man, yet she isn't treated with her just due of respect. Well, ladies, you've got a friend in me. I place you on the pedestal that which was erected explicitly for you - in your honor. You bear the children! You deal with the nonsense! You sacrifice your own self-worth, needs, and ofttimes happiness for the betterment of those surrounding you! You put up with chauvinism! You create a nurturing atmosphere for us! Hell, perhaps you ARE the superior sex!

YOU INSPIRE ME!


For these, and a myriad of other reasons, you deserve thanks! I know it isn't an equal payment for services rendered, but I will give that to you! My hat goes off to you!

**Pictures from google searching (aside from my mom & granny) ... If you hold a copyright to any, please contact me and I'll remove them.**

VWayne'z Big Month of Inspiration ... V is for ...

OK ... so I know I said I was going to do a blog every day in the month of February with my month of things that inspire me, but I was busy yesterday and so I forgot. Well, I'm gonna try and get back to it. So here goes ...

Oh yea, take note, I changed the name to include "of" instead of "~o~" because I have an "F" inspiration.

So ... V is for ...

Victor Wayne Fuller, Jr ... DUH!

*that's me, for those of you who didn't know*

Of course I inspire myself. I believe inspiration comes from seeing yourself (or the self you want to be) in other people or other things. With that being said, it's a definite must that you see for yourself, first, before living vicariously through others. *It's becoming somewhat of a recurring theme for me that you have to start at home FIRST!* Anyway, yea, I inspire me.

I don't know where I was going with this (I guess a lot of my posts end like that, huh?

Ciao for Now

Here Comes February!

I haven't decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it isn't all that bad, I still have life, health, a roof, food, and all the other things most of us take for granted on a daily basis. The (responsible) question is how will I continue to sustain this life of minimalism? I guess I haven't really been living the most minimalistic life, but not having a job for the past (approximately) 314,220 minutes (or about 7 months and 4 days or about 217 days) has not exactly been a cakewalk. Having to begin living off about 40% of your income is not exactly an easy task. Don't get me wrong, I still count myself blessed to receive ANY percentage (when there are those who receive 0), but the reality of being a human being states that I have had to cut back drastically and that crap can break you mentally.

So now what? Here it is almost February and I am still living off unemployment. Sure, I could go into the severity of how hard these times are or I could complain about the effed up way our country's economy is, but it doesn't do anything for me. (Besides, I have already done my financial rants) For 7 months, I have been receiving emails thanking me for wasting my time typing the same thing into their application that I have others but they are gonna give the opportunity to someone else. I've endured an abundance of correspondence stating how I wasn't the correct fit but my resume and application will be kept on file. How true IS that? Not that I'm some sort of conspiracy theorist, by any means, but I have known the HR depts of previous companies that have shredded resumes the moment they finish the interview (if it even gets that far).

The current US poverty level (as stated by Illinois Legal Aid on 1/28/2009, is said to be an annual income of $10,830. I am pretty close to that, based off of what I'm currently expected to live. If I seem to be bitching and moaning when there are those who just lost their homes, family members and, in some cases their own lives, so be it. I feel for those people, but I have to think about home first, don't you think? Well, even if you don't, I do! Unemployment doesn't last forever (thanks, Mr President for signing into law that extension - I sure needed it).

So I ask, is it a good or bad thing that I'm headed toward yet another month at this level of destitution? You don't have to answer if you don't want, it is greatly rhetorical, but do as you feel. Yes, my bills are paid on time but in what position am I to further my life. I mentioned to someone the other day that the capitalistic nature of our country (hell, our world) is to continually pad the pockets of the "haves" while those who are amongst the "have-nots" continue the downward spiral towards (or further below) the poverty level. Granted some of us are too ignorant when it comes to the resources for personal growth (that's a different blog on a different day) but in today's economy, how many of those resources are actually extended? If they ARE - in fact - extended, how far can one actually get on them?

I know I'm ranting but I needed to get that off my chest. I'm just concerned about some things currently. So, tonight when the leader of the "free world" streams into our homes via every network channel there is, I'll be looking to hear him speak about the CRAP that is the current State of our Union. It's always stated how the unions state "... is strong" but to attempt feeding me that garbage would piss me off. I'm all for thinking positively regarding how we will better the situation, but to waste 50 minutes of my life spewing forth BS, will further compound my contempt for the current members of our decision making bodies. High-a** gas prices, a double digit unemployment rate, Afghanistan, Iraq, and handing money over to Haiti do not beget a strong state of affairs. I don't say that to diminish the situation's gravity in Haiti, but I do feel like that money could be used - as I said before - at home, FIRST! So I am interested in seeing what these 50 minutes will entail.

Will you be watching?

*************************

February is what's designated as "Black History Month" here in the US. I know there are many who believe this to be a failure for our country, what with it being the shortest month and other reasons. What ever the case, I am utilizing the month to (daily) write a few paragraphs about those who inspire me. They could be blacks, whites, straights, gays, men, women or otherwise. I am just going to utilize the month for "VWayne'z Big Month ~o~ Inspirations." Note the number of letters in the title (28). There will be 1(one) influence per day and the letters in the title will determine the name of that day's inspiration. These aren't biographies (per se) but they are little blurbs about my PERSONAL inspirations.

That is all


**Pictures from google searching ... If you hold a copyright to any, please contact me and I'll remove them.**

Sorry about the mess

Hey You,

I just wanted to leave a quick note saying I know things don't look all that hot right now. (looks around) I've been pretending I know how to use photoshop (and other photo manipulation software programs) as well as HTML so that "Beyond the Veil" can be everything that I want it to be.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that it's still a work in progress because I dunno what I'm doing, but am teaching myself. I will still post (when I can) during the re-construction and I hope the disgustingly unkempt look doesn't deter you from frequenting in the meantime.

Ciao~for~Now

*~*VWayne*~*

Men ... can be (kind of) nasty ... a reprise

So I was listing a lot of ways men can be nasty in my other post and I regret to say that I neglected to mention one:

BLOWING YOUR NOSE IN THE STREET!!!!!

No, I don't mean toilet paper in hand and utilizing it as a receptacle for all that spews forth from your nostrils. (that sounded terribly disgusting, didn't it?) I mean the man my roomie and I saw last week while we were walking down the street. He took his right pointer finger, placed it on his right nostril and blew disgusting, comet-like projectiles from his left. Mortified might not be the MOST accurate of adjectives to describe my feelings on the situation, but I'm sure you get the gist.

To add insult to injury, I was waiting for the bus the other day and there was this older African American "gentlemen." (I say older because he had gray hair and had a slight hunchback - you know, old. I say gentlemen because he was dressed with a suit and tie.) Well, Mr OldManPants was standing at the busstop with a younger lady (perhaps she was his sugarbaby, I don't know - but I digress) and she turned around to continue the conversation with an older caucasian fellow and then it happened. Mr OldManPants turned around (mind you I'm still walking toward the bus stop) and places his right pointer finger to his right nostril and (well, you know the rest). But THEN he took his left hand and wiped it across his nose and lip (can't walk around with a snotty lip, right?) and to ensure nothing was left, he took his right hand and repeated this step. *sorry, almost vomited at the thought resurfacing in my mind, let me try to continue* He then decided he hadn't done enough to defile his character nor had he shocked me completely. Just when I thought it was all over, he put his hands behind his back and wiped them on the fence behind him. I guess he realized that it wasn't all coming off, so he turned around and really SCRAPED his hand against the fence to ensure they were "clean." I'm sure you can just about imagine my wobbly legs and woozy feeling almost inducing vomit.

On the bus, he held on to the pole for dear life (*I cringe at the thought of ever touching another surface on public transportation*).

I hope I never forget this post!

I need a car!

My brain hurts

Lately I have been kinda weird within my spirit. Today I posted a comment on Twitter saying

"I'm SICK of seeing (live/still) pics 4m Haiti. #nottobeanass ... I just can't take it anymore. #stopexploitingtheiragony"

just a moment ago, I realized the multi-faceted nature of this statement. Yes, I do feel as though a great deal of the distribution of these pictures to be exploitive in nature. I am not, however, so jaded that I don't see the necessity these pictures bring. In our lifetime, many of us hear the name Sally Struthers and immediately disregard her acting career and automatically recall her work with the Christian Children's Fund. Those commercials, although heartwrenching, depicted real life and the need for others to assist their fellow man. These same truths hold true for Haiti's current state.

It's true, I am sick of seeing the pictures. I also think it has something to do with the fact that I'm selfish and somehow want it to be something similar to out-of-sight-out-of-mind. Distressingly, it is not. The other side of my anger stems from my inability to assist in the way I want/would like. I just recognized my anger at not being in Haiti at this moment. I realized I'm so compelled by pictures (again, both still and video) I've seen lately to travel to Haiti and provide some assistance.

Many of you know that I am not currently working. This means I don't have a great deal of disposable income (so giving money to orgs would be tantamount to removing food I "don't have" from my cupboards), yet it also means I have a great deal of time on my hands. There has to be a way I can help. My buddy and #twitterboo (@Hollywood8881) told me I have a big heart and that I should "Just #PrayforHaiti" and she's right. Perhaps the most abundant blessing I can bestow upon these people I don't know (yet feel deeply for) would be my prayers.

I know there have been many organizations telling you the best way to assist is to open up your pocketbooks and shell out funds. Or perhaps you should text someone and have some money sent somewhere. I'm not convinced these are the best ways to appropriate our resources. Yes, there is likely some good that comes from these methods, but I don't know it to be my best recourse. *sigh* <~~ sorry, I'm not sure why I'm transitioning my twitter-speak here.

OK, I'm done ...

I can't remember where I was going with this. So, I'm done.

Men ... can be (kind of) nasty

So lately I've gotten this really icky feeling when it comes to some men. I mean, from one picking their nose on the bus, to another coughing without covering his mouth. Or how about the one that coughs into his hand on the way to the office for an interview then shakes the hand of his interviewer? What is it about (some) men that make them feel as if they don't have to conform to the common decencies set forth for (and by) the rest of us to keep germs to ones self? (That felt like a run-on but it was necessary) It's disgusting.

I know one male that I have NEVER known to wash his hands after using the bathroom. I shudder to think that I've touched something he might have following one of these nasty episodes. It's as if he's some sort of phobia to the sound of the toilet flushing. He flushes the toilet, the door opens and he appears some 10 feet from that very spot as though he didn't want the flush to splash out on him. I can't understand the aversion to washing his hands, but I fear a number two would yield the same result. *I shudder to think* Anyway, that's only one of the things that bother me about (some) men.

As some of you may know, I spend many of my days in Borders bookstore. Well the other day I did just that and I had a little too much coffee (shouts to Seattle's Best inside the store) and so I needed to pee (excuse the candor). Moving right along, I finish my business and, while zipping my pants, I walk toward the sink and notice these two Caucasian men enter the restroom. Well, I know it's not so nice of me but I immediately thought they looked to be kinda like ... well ... OK, Bears. I mean, I know I shouldn't be stereotyping but it's my damned blog, and they're my damned thoughts. You obviously wanna know, otherwise you wouldn't be reading it. Sorry, I digress. Well, I was at the sink washing my hands and my suspicions were confirmed: I looked behind me (through the mirror) and noticed one guy looking at the other guy's junk (without even trying to hide it). *smh* **SIDENOTE: People who design men's restrooms should ALWAYS place partitions between urinals. (yes, a gay man said he doesn't want strangers to be able to look at his junk)** Well, after shaking my head, I looked back that way and the other man was looking giving his gander and man number one's junk. **HAVE THESE MEN NO SHAME?** So I finished washing and drying my hands, man number one looked back at me as I was rolling my eyes and walking out the door.

It was as if he was looking at me to find out if the coast was clear. I envisioned me leaving and them animalistically (did I just create a word?) tearing each other apart. So I mean, typically you think of this sort of thing happening in some hole-in-the-wall along the interstate, but at Borders? Downtown Chicago? That is EFFEN DISGUSTING!!!!!

I'm done boring you with the nastiness that is (some) men. They just rubbed me the wrong way and I thought I'd share it with you

So that's it.
See ya next time.
Ciao4Now.

Yep ... he's still here

Well hello there stranger(s) ...

I know you're all like "what the hell is taking this fool so long to post another blog?" and "when he does, is it gonna be another year before he posts a new one?" To this I say SHUT THE HELL UP! :o) <---betcha didn't see that coming.

So look, I apparently don't have as much time to blog as I thought I did (I'm lying, I have more time on my hands than skin). I just don't think I'm all that interesting. However, many of you apparently think otherwise. I have gotten many, many, MANY requests to update and give you something new (more often) and so I will do so moving forward. (I'm also getting threatening twitter messages to post or else ~ shouts to my twitter buddy @skinnyjeanius <---follow him)

I know, I know, I say I'll update all the time, but this time I think I can commit to giving you at least 1 post a week. (I hope - no, I'll do my very best - promise!) I'm preparing to change the format of how I blog. One of my favorite bloggers (another @skinnyjeanius plug *READ HIS BLOG TOO*) has an awesome format and I'm gonna jock his style a bit. (I hope he doesn't mind. *really he knows I don't care!*) I have a lot of mini-posts that I haven't shared because they didn't seem to be cohesive with other things I posted that day. Well I think I'm gonna just use his style and add a "-----" and start a new post on the same day. (I can use his style - don't judge me!)

Anyway ...

It's a new year! There's a new me! (well kinda) Basically I'm just starting fresh. I have a lot of stuff to say about that, but I'll share it with you probably tomorrow.

I'm done now ... Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here!

Cya soon

Oh ... and btw, you can find me @VWayne on twitter. Follow me now ... or else