So I began writing this entry on the 4th of July as Hifey and I were headed to Baby Mama's house. *perhaps I will explain "Baby Mama" later. Well it had a serious point then, yet I hadn't completed it. Well, this morning another reason came about and so I'm going to extend an already long post *sorry* so you can get all the details.
As you will come to know, I tend to seek out friendships with my exes rather than to just cut them off completely. I am not sure if that comes from the "don't burn your bridges" mentality, a way to hold their idiocy over their heads at a later date, or that old saying "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer" - I have no clue. (Now don't get me wrong, not all my exes are jackasses (or the like), so some deserve at least a chance at friendship, right? I don't know.) All I know is that for me, the attempt - at LEAST the attempt - is there to keep some sort of ties for them to my life. Just because we aren't destined for relationship doesn't mean we can't at least be friends, right? Well this works for me ... I guess it is the same mentality I've used with my dancers - there are certain constraints ... if you utilize what's given to you properly, you will excel. Conversely, if the system does not work for you, you will end up hanging yourself and all options will prove our friendship unnecessary. Perhaps its just my forgiving nature that allows me to allow them to stay. Oh, well ... it tends to work for me ...
But not for others ...
I respect that but some may not. Take my Hifey, the love of my life, the man for whom God's words tell me I will be with for the rest of my life, Jordyn. He is one such person that believes the concept of "ex for a reason" and that there is nothing more to be other than merely cordial with his exes. If you know Jordyn you wonder how people could do such stupid things to damn themselves to a barely-living existence without him. Nonetheless, I digress ... Hifey's views are explicit and quite clear to any and everyone who knows him, so to go against these wishes - and sometimes merely to ask questions about his opinion is basically ... well, redundant and pointless.
Well, Hifey's mom went against his wishes. Knowing full well his desires on the issue, she was out and saw his ex and gave out the new Chicago phone#. I'm not quite sure I can accurately express the conflicting thoughts I had (hell, still have) on this subject. On the one hand, I want, very earnestly, for his mother's approval. I'm not really certain why. Perhaps it's that I have never had to fight for the approval of any parent of someone I was dating - EVER! But then again, she just has a seriously rigid exterior and I would love for her to realize that I mean her son no harm. (that won't likely change her exterior, but ... I dunno) Now, on the other hand, it's another thing to go against explicit wishes that your son doesn't do the "ex thing" and definitely doesn't want to talk to them like that. I mean, it gets even worse once you know that the relationship ended with events leading up to violence - and I mean someone needing to go to the hospital type violence. Why, oh WHY would you divulge your son's telephone number? *SIGH* *SMH*
Anyway ... as if this wasn't enough ... today sparked another situation along these same lines. Well, let me take a step back.
So Hifey's mother gave the ex, Mark ("X" in Hifey's cell), his phone number and he is one of those latch-on-and-never-let-go types. You know the type - the ones that, once they realize the water's gone from the well, they jump down the hole and try to dig for more? *sigh* Well, despite the fact that Hifey ignores him, the man continues to call (at all hours of the day and night, I might add) and often times texts. *grunts* Anyway ... last week I was pissed off to find that he had sent 14 fucking text messages - I mean, dude, don't you have a life?! I didn't, however, respond. I mean, Hifey's took care of it, right? Well, his way of taking care of it, ignore it. So today comes around - the man apparently doesn't want to allow 7 days to go by without making some form of contact - and at 5:30am, another text message: some shit about "I was thinking of coming to Chicago, can I stay with you?" MUTHAF... *deep breath in - deep breath out* I decided to take the high road in this situation and send a message back: something like "This is his bf and I would really appreciate if you would stop contacting him. You are sending messages at 5:30 in the morning? You're extremely rude! So do us all a favor and stop contacting him. Thanks." Now this is just a summary of the message, I can't remember my exact words. Nonetheless, I let Hifey know that if he continues to send messages, call, what have you, I will personally call T-Mobile and get his phone number changed. Should his mother give it to him again, I will change it again and she should not receive it.
Am I wrong with my reaction? Was this not what I should have done, should have said? Hifey asked me why I would even say anything and if I did say anything why did I start with the niceties first before telling him how I truly feel regarding his sorry ass. I decided that it was important to give him the opportunity to do the right thing first. I told him what I felt was necessary and will allow him to make the next move. Let me say that his response was "lol" and that speaks volumes. I'm over him and dare him to further attempt insertion into my relationship.
Just wanted to get that out of my system and, furthermore, off my chest. I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Wow. Vee Wayne... this is an interesting post...
ReplyDeleteI think I would have to say that I would have expected a different reaction from the Hifey.... Sometimes, ignoring someone from your past doesn't always work and a confrontation of sort is necessary. That, I believe, is the only way the individual will understand that there is no reason for contact. Saying something like, I've moved on and my boyfriend would not appreciate your contacting me for any reason....hell, I don't appreciate you contacting me for any reason, so please stop. If at that time, he persisted, then I'd have to intervene. Look dude, Hifey, said step the fuck off. What is it that you don't understand?
I have had to deal with my mom about giving my phone number out. It wasn't pretty, because at one point, my mom did NOT have my number and when I called to check on her, I called private. If she needed me, she'd have to call my dad and ask him to call me and request that I give her a call. After she got tired of the run around, she got the message.
Not that I've really answered any of your questions because I don't know if there are answers.... I don't think your response was completely inappropriate. I think you did what was necessary to return to some level of normal.
I don't think it is over and do believe that a phone number change is going to be necessary.
I'm going to follow this one cause I want to see just how it turns out.....
It's important to note that Hifey's "ignore it" mentality is due to the on-going nature of X's attitude. To continually respond to him would be exactly what he wants. He doesn't want anything other than a reaction and so he continues to try in hopes that it comes soon. Well, it's already been told to him that nothing is up and so he figures his efforts will at least keep him in Hifey's life somehow. Hifey's inaction at this point comes from the realization that his previous action was obviously moot. I gave him a response - not the one he was looking for but a response, nonetheless - because I felt it my place to do so. Because Hifey isn't the type of person to continually change his life due to someone else's inability to adjust to reality, he attempted to handle it in the way above. My opinion stems from the fact that the X just doesn't get it and there is where I felt it necessary to insert myself into the situation.
ReplyDeleteI think you held out as long as you could...
ReplyDeleteInitially, I told Victor that some would preceive this to be a situation that may appear like I didn't handle this and it's not the case as he explained. For me, I've moved on with my life and my exes are apart of my yesterdays. In this case, Mark, my ex, is apart of my yester"year!" He knew then when he pursued me, that I was and still am great guy, who happened to be unlike others he interacted with. He got comfortable, which I have to take part in that, because I was always working and trying to bend and break for him. That's what good men do, we make time for our family, friends, but most importantly, we take time out for the ones we are trying to build a foundation with. He had me and lost me, due to his appetite for much more than he could chew. So no, after the break up May 5, 2008, I said all I had to say and move on with my life and didnt look back. Im not responsible for adults who can accept the realities of their actions. He's been warned prior to me being involved, that I do not wish to converse with him on ANY level and I wish him a wonderful life. I didn't feel the need to constantly repeat myself, therefore, I had to treat him like the child he presented himself to be, callow and inbalanced! Since being involved with Victor, why should my energy be wasted on the exes? My answer is it wont be!!!!! Exes, not all, but some feel that they hold rank only because those before have given them that power. It's okay to have a relationship with your ex, but there should be respect and boundaries. I know that my exes miss me and now appreciate me for who I've always been, which is a damn good man, with my own flaws, with the capabilities to man-up to my misunderstandings, wrong doings, etc. I had to literally move this 210lbs man out of my path of freedom, because of his infidelities and deception, not mine! He didnt think I'd leave and when he realized I was, he decided to play Ike and my size 2 ass, provided him with 22 reasons not to ever hit another mofo again. I have to leave with that and I dont want that in my present. So I definitely don't want anything to do with him period. The ex shhhhh may work for someone else, but for me, I live with my eyes and heart wide open for a reason. I would never subject Victor to my exes because I know how they feel about me and I wouldnt want to make him feel uncomfortable in any way, above all, disrespected! Exes are the reason why we exist in one another's life. We are the present, they were the past and all I care about is building a future, the right way with the man I feel has been patiently waiting for me. He's my energy, never will it be an ex of mine. Vic and I have had deep conversations about this topic and he knows my position when it comes to dealing with his exes. He can only control what he says and do, but he can't control what may they say, want or do. Im not an idiot when it comes to relating to people and I know things may be said, but its how Vic will react is all that matters to me. In short, my exes all know their places, ITS OUT OF MY LIFE! My energy is my life, my happiness and my man. Exes will not overpower us in this relationship, because they have no other choice but to respect it or step the effff off. Vic, handles things a bit different than I. He responded to assert himself as he has the right too! We will stand tall for one another, but we wont fall due to any ex of ours! We are one another priorities and I'd be damned if I see, hear or think of his exes being on his mind, phone, trying to rekindle any old flames. We got this on lock! ;)
ReplyDeleteseeing as this is the first time to your blog, i applaude the expression. i'll have to return soon to really give my input...
ReplyDelete...kudos to you for putting it out there.
ONCE AGAIN VICTOR, I DIDNT READ EVERYBODY ELSE POST....BUT ME BEING ME THE FIRST TIME HE WOULD HAVE CALLED OR TEXTED I WOULD HAVE NIPPED IT IN THE BUD!! (IF MY PARTNER DIDNT)....BUT SOME PEOPLE REACT DIFFRENT TO SITUATIONS SOME LIKE TO IGNORE THE SITUATION AND SOME LIKE TO OPEN THE KNIFE DRAWER......(I LIKE TO OPEN THE GUN CABINET)...LOL
ReplyDeleteOH AND THE MAMA.....OOOHHH WEEEE (NEVERMIND I DID READ WHEN YOU SAID HIFEY READS YOUR BLOGS)
ReplyDelete*HEY HIFEY* (YOU HAVE THE SWEETEST MOTHER)
Wow...now this is a serious topic. Each situation regarding an ex is different from the others. I have a few that I would remain friends because we fell out of love with each other. In a case like this, my number would have been changed or his number would have been blocked. I honestly think you both handled it well in your own way.
ReplyDelete