Afraid to Dream

I'm sure the first thought at seeing this title will be that I may have some sort of fear of failure. Or that I am afraid of the fight to achieve my dreams. That isn't exactly what my dream fear entails or means.

I FEAR MY DREAMS BECAUSE THEY COME TRUE!

I fear only the dreams that I can remember, however. When I wake up and, after the grogginess of attempting to get a handle on being awake, I can still remember many of the details, I then am nervous. I'm sure this can seem somewhat irrational but it bothers me greatly. To go deeper into it, I consider them to be premonitions of sort - but only those that I can remember ... vividly.

I've awaken to thoughts of many people being hit by cars, struck by lightning, shot in gang crossfire, etc. These wouldn't be such awful things if I didn't get some sort of validation of all the things I had seen. These wouldn't be such horrible things if they weren't always such bad dreams that I remembered. There is a possibility I just have a bit more emotion toward the ones that cause the most grief. It is possible that I have had more good-natured dreams yet the less than appealing ones have overshadowed them due to the gravity of the realization that these bad things do, in fact, come true. This causes some weighted imbalance. The anger, frustration and confusion of these foreboding dreams leave a greater weight on the side of my mind housing their existence, thereby overshadowing the existence of their opposite counterpart.

Perhaps the biggest and most significant of the dreams, and probably the last one that I can actually remember, happened 8 years ago today while I was away at school. In fewer details than those that run through my mind ... I was on an airplane - a passenger. I don't know where I'm going. I just recall being in a plane. Who knows if the movie (dream) started when I first fell asleep that night or if it began early the next morning. Who knows if the dream started with me sitting in my seat, or getting onto the plane. Funny how dreams work, I can see everything as though it's a movie, my own thoughts and fears, those of the other passengers, as well as see the outside of the plane *I'm guessing this is my mind telling me it is, in fact, a dream.*

We are all too scared to move and, despite all the other things my mind is showing me, I don't look out the window - it doesn't appear that anyone does. *I try not to look out the window on planes anyway - have I mentioned I have a fear of flying? I need to sit next to the window just in case I feel the need to look out on those rare occasions that I need to see the clouds to ensure I'm still up there. I digress.* Suddenly we make a turn and I'm just about on my side. As my heart races to speeds resulting in a sound which could only be described as that of a hummingbird, the 'camera' pans out and I can see the AA on the tail of the plane. Minutes or seconds or no time at all *it's a dream, remember?* go by and I see buildings. My heart sinks because we are too low. We aren't "going back to the airport." *When was I told that was where we were going? I dunno* Just then the 'camera' pans again and we are headed for a building. It seems like slow motion but I'm sure it isn't. Impact is nanoseconds away and I close my eyes to pray ...

My eyes snap open and my breathing is extremely fast. As I try to calm myself, I say over and over that "it's just a dream and everything will be OK." I can't, however, shake the thought that I will die in an airplane crash.

I look at the clock: 7:46. A new wave of panic ensues as I have an 8am set design class. I think to myself, "Why didn't my alarm clock go off? If my roommate turned it off AGAIN...!?" I don't have time to speculate as I scramble to get my clothes on and brush my teeth before darting out the building.

The Theatre Building isn't that far and so I make it to class @ about 8:02 or 8:03. It's quiet - the instructor apparently hasn't made it yet and so I relax.

A couple minutes later, a classmate, Emily, walks in and shouts, "Those FUCKERS blew up the twin towers!" The looks on the faces around me range from shock to confusion, groggy to bewildered. I'm not totally sure what the twin towers are. *I'd never been to NYC until my birthday this year (2009)* She then, hysterically, explained the events, as she knew them, and tears streamed down my face.

After some time, one of the faculty members came in and explained more of what happened and dismissed everyone. As I ran back to my building, my cell phone rang, my mom. Our conversation was a blur, especially since I was an emotional wreck - things were slowly starting to come together with my dream. In the lobby of my building, they were setting up a television so the students without TV's could watch the news. I ran to my room and woke up my roommate minutes before his own cell rang - his mom. I finished explaining to him all that I knew just before he picked it up and I turned on the television to begin watching, OVER AND OVER (on EVERY CHANNEL), the events from my dream.

I maintained a sedated state the rest of the day - crawling through different actions like a zombie - unable to tear myself away from the TV for more than a few minutes. I don't even think I heard the words from the newscasters for being so into my own thoughts. This was, by far, the absolute worst dream-come-true I had ever experienced and I was afraid to go back to sleep. I'm not certain that I even did for at least a couple days thereafter.

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I apologize, I didn't really want this to be so long. I started writing this a couple weeks ago after I woke up from a bad dream about 2 kids almost being killed by a train. The details are a bit sketchy but, as this is the first dream (in a long time) I can actually remember SOME details, it scared me REALLY badly! Those of you following me on Twitter and friends on FB probably recall my messages of horror.

I'm not even sure where I was going with this post anymore, I got so caught up in the details of that day. Basically, I have quite a few blogs that aren't posted because they're unfinished works of some kind. Despite how much I wanted to post this a couple weeks ago, I didn't. I got caught up in something else and it didn't get posted. Nonetheless, I noticed how many people were posting questions about "where were you when the planes impacted?" and it made me think about it...again. I'm sure you can understand why I have some sort of mental block on this day every year. I don't really want to be reminded of it.

Anyway, there you have it: I have a fear of dreaming because if I can remember it, it will apparently come true. Now it has been 8 years since the worst dream I've ever had came true. Hell, it apparently was happening as I was dreaming it.

BTW, none of what I have just said has been fictional, these are true accounts of my day, 8 years ago.



Dear God, please watch out for the souls that transitioned on this day 8 years past. Please also take care of those who are still here and get a yearly - if not daily - reminder that their loved ones are no longer physically here to be with them. 8 years is not always enough time to console the heart from absence, especially when it's rehashed so many times in the media. So I ask that you watch over them and keep them closer to you in their time of need. These things and more I ask in Jesus' name. AMEN