Untitled

"Can you be gay and Christian at the same time?
Can prayer make you straight?
Tens of thousands of Americans have struggled with these questions their whole lives.
This is their story and the different paths they've taken to find acceptance with God ... and themselves."

Lisa Ling's new weekly primetime show on the recently unveiled OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network sets out to unmask or reveal some of America's (and oft times, the world's) dirty secrets. After a teaser introducing today's episode, the show's opening has a voiceover with her saying

America: it can be inspiring and beautiful.
It can also be dark and ugly.
It's so many things ... but it's ours.
It's Our America ...

Of the many LGBTQ (hope I got 'em all) people I've had the honor of knowing in my few years of life, few are 'blessed' enough to have grown up without having to question the validity of their feelings with regard to the gender of the person they might love, and the reconciliation of said feelings when it comes to their faith and/or religion. For many, the burden was too cumbersome and they are no longer physically (and/or sometimes mentally) here with us. Some have later learned to deal with it and overcome it - in ways all their own - helping them to move forward with their lives in positive and beneficial ways. There are others, still, who seek out other methods of accomplishing that reconciliation in ways I can't exactly fathom but from which I seek some semblance of understanding.

The arguments regarding homosexuality and religion are not exactly the main topics of discussion with this post, however they do encompass the essential focus of the episode. My main reasoning for watching the show, entitled Pray the Gay Away?, was to ascertain a better understanding of the proposed possibilities surrounding doing just that - building a relationship that was manifest so far "in line with God's will" that one's homosexuality fades away or is easier to fight, just as any other sinful temptation.

It starts out with Lisa and her team being allowed - albeit reluctantly - to bear witness to the Exodus International Freedom Conference where, according to their website their mission statement is "Mobilizing the body of Christ to minister grace and truth to a world impacted by homosexuality." Their "truth" seems to involve the idea that those who suffer the burden of being sexually/intimately/otherwise physically attracted to those of the same sex can utilize this ministry to learn about a better life - the life God has chosen for them - in a harmonious (and heterosexual) existence.

Forgive me, that might have come across as somewhat judgmental (or belittling) of their cause. I don't mean to do so, but I should probably mention that I spent a large amount of the hour I spent watching this show rolling my eyes. Don't misunderstand, just as I mentioned previously, I am genuinely curious about the methodology behind the notion of praying away this "sin" yet I need some sort of scientific or overall intelligent argument of persuasion. At the very least, I need something with a more informative or factual rationale for why one does what they do. With that being said, the usual suspects are, of course, brought up: the SIX scriptures in the Holy Bible that round out the arsenal of homosexuality's explicit denouncement. Lisa, who is not religious, asks a question that I have asked before regarding how literally to take the Bible: "Is it a moral compass or an iron clad set of rules handed down from thousands of years ago."

I'm at an impasse with this show and this topic, yet it continues to fascinate me so. There have been, of course, many ways people attempted to get rid of what is so fervently fought for that it seems to be the "ultimate" sin: from electro-shock therapy to lobotomies, counseling to inducing self-hatred. One of the originating members of Exodus International - who eventually left the ministry to live his more authentic life (both gay and Christian) - mentions someone he knew who tried hard to get rid of his sexual urges to be with men and, after having a lapse of some sort, took a razor back and forth across his genitals and attempted to cut it off. To further his punishment, he poured Draino on it.

So let's get personal: it's no surprise that I, too, have dealt with these difficulties. I grew up without first being in church but being shunned by kids in school. The hate speak they learned (because you don't come from the womb calling someone 'gay' in a derogatory or demeaning way) was transferred to me because I hung out with a lot of girls. No, I wasn't some flamboyant kid or anything like that, there were just lots of girls around me. Mind you, we were only around the age of 5 or 6, so I didn't really think much about differentiating those I chose to play with based on gender. Nonetheless, I was called "sissy", "fag", "punk" and the like. I didn't know why (or even that I liked boys in that way). I do, however, remember crying myself to sleep on many occasions because I wanted to be liked. I mean, who wants to be dis-liked? I didn't know what those words meant - and they likely didn't either - but I didn't want to be called them. I prayed - without even knowing what praying was - that I needed God to "make me not what they say I am." Even now, I sit here while typing this and I'm tearing up because I still feel those same raw emotions while just recalling those nights. It wasn't until a couple years later, when my sister and I decided to join a church, that I found out the church didn't want you to be "gay" either.

For those of you who don't know much about the Baptist church ... well - I won't even go there. What I will say is the black baptists ... *sigh* well the black church compounds all the things you already know. I won't likely be able to explain it accurately (so I won't try) but suffice it to say that the stigma, already felt from being called names, was further exacerbated once I found out that the church hated what those kids called me. I wanted even more to not be that. Later, after I realized I actually did have those feelings ... well, I don't need to go into that. (Sorry, perhaps another post.) Let's just say before coming to grips with things, I did want it to be gone or for MYSELF to be gone - in one way or another.

Anyway, I'm always fascinated (for lack of a better word) by people who are "ex-gay" but I am not able to understand the process, or the aftermath for that matter. Perhaps one of the most notable former (or perhaps "reformed?") homosexuals in the African American community is Pastor Donnie McClurkin. Once he reached a certain level of fame, he was caught in some compromising situations. I don't know the story (perhaps I didn't care enough to recall it to memory), but I believe someone outed him. A jilted lover, perhaps? Anyway, being that he is a gospel singer (just in case you didn't know) there was immediate backlash and he went through a period of "reform" or something like that. Needless to say, he became "ex-gay" and started speaking out. Now, I don't have a problem with his having "changed" or anything of that sort. That actually interests me greatly. I do, however, find flaw in his immediate shunning of those within the community he had only JUST been called to leave; his fans - who were his fans regardless of who he was diddling in the dark. Sorry, I got a little carried away. Well, I try not to let his actions taint my view of others but he is a part of my added requirement for further information from anyone who feels the need to change who they are - whether it has been an ongoing battle or a new one caused by a sudden catalyst. I'm interested in people and so I tend to seek out those answers - or at least the information leading up to those answers. I'm just not into the divisive wedge some religions place between God and His children. It is then covered up by "God hates the sin, not the sinner" to basically say "suppress it" or "fight the urge/temptation." It is then, and ONLY then, that you can have that true and harmonious relationship with God.

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I'll close with the words from a 17 year old kid in Lisa Ling's Our America: Pray the Gay Away? He was shunned by his church family after having come out, and his words echo my sentiments. He was speaking about whether or not he could change to a more heterosexual "lifestyle" in order to essentially mend his relationship with God. He responded with (and I'm paraphrasing) "I couldn't do that ... that would be like living a lie ... and isn't that a sin?"

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